- 3 years ago
- Wedding: November 2015
So, one of my really good friends – planning on asking her to be a BM – is in a toxic relationship. We’ll call her B. She’s been dating this guy, we’ll call him J, (on and off) for just under 3 years. There are soo many things he’s done or said to her or her loved ones that have literally made my jaw drop, but here are some examples:
When they first started dating we all went to Vegas together, it was our first time meeting him and he seemed pretty cool. Later that night while we were out at a club, he went missing. We started looking for him because he was really drunk and B was worried about him. Well, we found him…hooking up with some random girl on the dance floor. B was so upset she started crying and asked if we could go back to the hotel, so we did. We didn’t hear anything from him for the rest of the night. Our hotel room’s phone started blowing up at around 5 am. I was the closest, so I answered. When I heard it was him the first time, I simply hung up. The second time, I said “NO” and hung up. He called for the third time and finally B woke up and asked who it was. I said it was J. She said to give her the phone, and I did, expecting her to tell him to stick it where the sun don’t shine. Less than 5 minutes later, B got dressed grabbed a little backpack and said she was going with him. We were all (about 8 people in that hotel room, we were 22 lol) speechless. He pulled some other shenanigans later that weekend but this was the biggest one.
Their first Christmas together: they had only been dating a few months (this is after the Vegas fiasco) so B got J some razors and other little stuff that she noticed he needed. You know, just thoughtful stuff. Well christmas rolls around, she gives her gifts to J and then doesn’t hear from him for a couple days. They talk later and I shit you not, he said that HER GIFT WAS SO SHITTY AND HE WAS SO OFFENDED THAT HE RETURNED HER CHRISTMAS PRESENT. She stays.
About a year into their relationship, they were at a family party of B’s. Her bestfriend is a wonderful man, who is also gay. One of her uncles had asked J where B was…and he said “Probably off somewhere with that faggot” IN FRONT OF HER ENTIRE FAMILY. This is her best friend we’re talking about. Besides the fact that no one should make such derogatory comments about anyone, let alone your girlfriend’s best friend in the entire world. She broke up with him after that. He literally stalked her (like waited outside her work and spied on her in her office) until she took him back.
There we’re smaller instances like this over the next year, but I (and many of our friends) distanced ourselves from them because she is the type that will side with her “man” over any family member or friend. When they did come around, everyone tolerated J for the sake B but we really really hate this guy and how B acts when she’s with him.
They’ve broken up at least twice in the last few months. B says he doesn’t make her feel loved (no wonder, since I think he’s a sociopath) or appreciated. He doesn’t hold her hand, she always says “I love you” first, etc. She asked him if he wanted to marry her and he said “I don’t know.” We allllll said HALLELUJAH when they broke up after that. They got back together 2 weeks later after she came home from work one day and he was waiting for her (which I think is CREEPY not romantic in the least btw) and said “If there’s a paper I have to sign that says I’ll marry you tomorrow, I’ll sign it.” She melted. Then after another couple of weeks he broke up with her. Saying that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend (promotion at work). Again, we really really hoped that their relationship was finally over.
B started dating again, but had some bad experiences. Like one guy was married…yikes. During that time, J was calling and emailing (even after she blocked him multiple times). He wrote her a letter and dropped it off along with a ring. She sent them back to him. After she sent them back, he started texting and emailing HORRIBLE horrible things. Things you just don’t say to anyone, let alone someone you supposedly love.
She got back together with him on Monday. I’m at a loss for words. Her best friend called me so upset that they were back together after everything he’s done and said to B AND to the people she loves. It honestly seems like verbal and emotional abuse to me. Before they started dating B was a super strong, independent woman. That has obviously changed. It might have something to do with the fact that J grew up with women totally subservient to men, so he expects that. But I would never treat anyone the way J treats B. And she just takes it. Over and over and over. He knows he can do whatever the hell he wants and she’ll take him back eventually. We’re worried the abuse might turn physical and she still won’t leave.
She’s getting her master’s degree in psychology (specifically in marriage and family), so you’d think she’d be able to spot a toxic relationship a mile away…but I think she thinks that she can “fix him.” Does anybody have any advice or similar experience where the person got help or got away??
Long story short: Good friend in toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. They keep breaking up, but she keeps going back to him no matter what insane BS he pulls. Any advice?