Is there anything I (or anyone else) can do for her? NWR

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
332 posts
Helper bee

At this point, I think you will have to let her make her own mistakes. You guys have done everything that you should and could do to help recognize how abusive his behavior is. He sounds like a douchebag… Total scum. The things you say he has done make me cringe. However, she’s an adult and is keeping herself in that situation. It’s not your responsibility or obligation to get her out of it. Guaranteed that the relationship will eventually end, it’s just a matter of time. 

I would, however, try to have a heart-to-heart with her as to how far this has gone. Because this guys sounds like someone who could even be physically abusive. If t hat is the case, I’d say that you’d have more of an obligation to get more involved… Albeit in a safe manner. 

Post # 4
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

FutureMrsJohnson_:  I can’t imagine how unbelievably frustrating and sad it must be to see her put up with that crap and go running back for more, does she know how you all feel about him? Have you discussed their relationship a lot? It’s awful but so often these situations end friendships when one friend speaks out of concern for the other, especially about their relationship. If you have and she’s ignoring your advice, there’s not a lot more you can do other than to keep persisting and hope that eventually she sees things clearly.

Are her family concerned? If you are worried about her safety I would speak with her family or whoever she is closest with to talk about it and see what you can do, but seriously if she’s put up with that rubbish (and a lot more by the sound of it) there probably isn’t anything else he could do to change her mind. It’s really sad but she may have to either realise it on her own, or live with that crap for the rest of her life. Short of physically removing her from the situation and flying her to some remote location where he can’t find her, you’re probably already doing all you can!

If you see or suspect any violence, call the police. I don’t know how much evidence they need to actually follow through and check up on him but it’s something, and you won’t be putting yourself in the crossfire.

Post # 3
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

I have a best friend who just went through this as well. I found that forcing her to step outside the situation was the best way to handle it. We went out for lunch one afternoon after she’d been with this dirt bag for over a year and I started venting to her about all the “problems” I’d been having with my guy. I used very similar stories to what she had experienced and complained about throughout her relationship. She told me that the best thing I could do for myself was to run, not walk, from that relationship. Then I explained to her that these were the same types of things she had had happen and it was like she was suddenly not blind anymore. Maybe if you help her see her situation from that kind of perspective, it will help? If it doesn’t, then I agree… She’s got to make her own mistakes. Just keep an eye on it and be there for her as any good friend would be. Best of luck to her and you. 

Post # 6
92 posts
Worker bee


ren89: Awesome advice. I agree 100%.

I have a friend who went through the same type of situation (not as bad, but still definitely toxic) and she really had to step out of herself and see reality.  I always suggest making pro/con lists when friends get into bad/stressful life cycles (relationship, work, family, w/e). It sounds silly but writing down all the good and all the bad can really make you see how f’ed up a situation is.

Post # 7
1117 posts
Bumble bee

I read somewhere recently that on average it takes a woman 5 attempts to leave their abuser. Some will take less times, some will take more. All you can do is be there for her while she’s in the situation but also every time she leaves. One of them might be the last time but there will probably be quite a lot of times when it’s not the last time.

Post # 8
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse

I was like this in my previous relationship. He wasn’t a stalker by any means, he just never made me feel loved , called me names, things like that. The reason I stayed was because I thought it was as good as it was gonna get. I had been with him through thick and thin and thought well if he kind of loves me I doubt anyone else will at all. He manipulated me. He pretty much sent me off to live with my parents which ended up being the best thing ever. I realized I didn’t need him in my life and I ended up meeting my now, husband…who was actually good friends with my ex…haha. My only advice is, is that she isn’t going to listen to anyone. Her self esteem is ruined to where that’s as good as it’s gonna get for her. She doesn’t realize that there are genuine men out there. I had to learn from my mistakes by going through them. Maybe take a trip for a week or two with her…make her realize that she can have fun without him and is OK without him. Any time I would visit my mom I would ask her if I could stay with her and not go back and I didn’t realize I was saying that because of my relationship, but deep down I really was. 


Post # 9
5162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

FutureMrsJohnson_:  I would confront her about it, but I would not expect it to work.  However, my main message would be “this guy is treating you like shit and I think you should leave him.  However, if you don’t I’ll still be here for you.  I know that you are becoming isolated.  If you ever decide you are going to leave him, I’ll be here to support you.”

Post # 10
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aug 30th, 2014

I believe the best thing you can do is to stay in contact with her. Be really insistent about it if you need to. One of the most effective things abusers do is cut their victim off from their friends and family. This eliminates their support network and prevents them from getting any outside perspective. So stay in contact and encourage her to talk about her relationship. Sometimes just explaining situations to someone can force someone to examine it more than they would otherwise…

Post # 11
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

FutureMrsJohnson_:  Sorry there is nothing you can do to ‘make’ her see the light. She is well aware that he is a POS and for whatever reason she can’t break it off with him.

All you can do is hope that she wakes up and sees the light. I would try to build up her self confidence  and self worth ( will she go to individual therapy?) She might just be feeling like she will be alone and nobody else will have her.

You could have been writing about my ex lol. I was in a relationship JUST LIKE this one. He was a POS, everyone knew it, I knew it too. Like I seriously wish I didn’t waste so much time and energy on this horrible person lol. 

 My self confidence was so beaten down that I literally thought that nobody else would ever have me and I didnt want to be alone (ugh!) I finally had enough one day and decided I would rather be alone than with him. I then started dating and startef getting my confidence back ASAP ( surprise! I wasn’t worthless!)

Having my friends around also really helped ( when I was in the bad relationship, I was at a local college and all my friends were away so I was pretty isolated from social life away from him ) Just be there for her, take her out and remind her she doesnt need him and there are plenty of fish in the sea


Post # 12
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think there’s any way for you to help her see what a jerk this guy is.

Many people are in bad relationships because they have low self-esteem and don’t think they can get anyone better. So anything you can do to help build up her self-esteeem might help and also might help her to stand up for herself more in her current relatinoship.

Beyond that, all you can do is be a good friend.

Post # 13
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I have been in an emotional/verbal/mentally abusive relationship before and there definitely is some abuse going on.  I was only actually with my ex for a year, but it took me 3 more years to finally fully cut ties and let him go.  I knew every time I got back in contact with him that it wasn’t good for me, and I hated myself for it every time.  As previous posts have echoed, I had very low self esteem and thought no one else would want me. We actually had a long distance relationship too.  I went to college out of state.  Toward the end I would only talk to him and meet him in secret.  One day I just sorta snapped and told him what a piece of scum he was and a myriad of other things that were all true and told myself I was moving on for good.  I had just started my dream career and wanted a new begninning.  2 months later I started dating my current SO who really helped me see things for what they really were and really helped me work through all of my emotional problems-both the ones that led me to enter into such a relationship in the first place, and the problems that arose because I was in such a relationship.   It has not always been easy, but the hard work has definitely paid off.  

At this point, it has been 3 years, sooner or later hopefuly she will be done for good, but I think you probably have said and done all you can do at this point.  Just be there for her when she needs you.  Alienation is one of the things that I went through and it’s so hard to reach out sometimes.  I feel for your friend and hope she sees the light soon.  I know my friends did a great job at being there for me and trying to talk sense into me.

Post # 14
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ugh, what a total DB.  But my advice is you just have to let her figure it out herself.  And this is speaking from experience.

When I was 15-19 I was dating a guy who was physically and verbally abusive.  We broke up several times, I moved back in with my mom a couple times, but I always went back to him.  Anytime I was about to leave, he would threaten my life, or the life of my mom or sister.  My final straw should have been after the first hit or harsh words, but it was when I went home for Christmas and he cheated on me.  I was heartbroken, but I knew this was my chance to leave for good. 

Looking back, you don’t realize how much of an idiot you were for staying, but in the moment, you think you’re in love, you think he’ll change, etc etc.

She’ll figure it out, she probably already knows deep down.  But please keep a care eye out…if your friend does want to leave, but is afraid he may hurt her (you didn’t mention physical abuse, but just in case) make sure she knows about the resources available in your area and that you’re there for her. 

Post # 15
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I am in an incredibly similar situation with my best friend.  We have been friends since we were 5 years old and now I feel like I don’t know her.  She has never been like this because of a guy before.  She has lied constantly since he came into her life and none our friends feel like they can trust her anymore.  We hear several versions of the same story because she can’t remember what version she told to each person.  <br /><br />Her family and our friends have tried to intervene several times, but nothing has worked.  Her whole life is falling apart because of this relationship.  She stopped going to her college classes so she could spend more time with him, she bails on plans with her friends because he demands to see her at a moment’s notice, she has borrowed money from her family to help his business (which has since closed, no one got their money back and the employees’ last checks bounced), and she has just in general been acting like a crazy person.  <br /><br />Everyone has tried talking to her about it, but to no avail.  None of us know how to help her.  I am so worried.  If you find a way to get through to your friend, please give share.  We are willing to try just about anything at this point. 

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