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i am getting married 2 weeks after i turn 18 and my husband will be turning 21 that next january after our wedding. I have noticed lately that more and more people do not approve our wedding cuz were so young and they just look down upon getting married at a young age. anyone else look down upon it? or anyone else think that its the couples decision? please share i am very curious. But please do not be mean! thank you
I wouldn't say that there's something wrong with getting married young, but I do think that there's something wrong with getting married when you're not mature enough.
I also think that it's a smart idea to wait to get married until you're financially settled, which usually doesn't happen at such a young age.
But I don't know you or your situation, how mature you guys are or what your financial situation is like. I'm just speaking generally.
It is absolutely your decision! But people tend to have very strong feelings on the subject of the age that other people get married. When people make comments, just keep in mind their background. For example, I will be getting married four weeks before I turn 34, so I can't fathom what it would be like to get married at 18.
But I also think you're very lucky to have found the person you want to spend your life with at a young age! Sometimes I wish I could have met my FI years ago, just so we could have more time together. :) Best wishes to you and your FI!
There are a lot of posts about young brides and I have always had the same opinon. If you think its right for you than do it. I feel the majority of people opposed to young people getting married is that you change so much in your 20's and theres the sentiment of whats the rush? Plus like danadelphia said, its rare to be financially stable at such a young age.
I think it's very much your decision, but I can see why people are perhaps not approving or making negative comments. But, i will say that I notice your profile says you are only 16 years old....do you plan on going to college at all once you graduate? How will you live? (i mean provide an income and stuff....not live, haha)
Hi JB4evr- I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Honestly, I think people are probably disapproving because they are worried about your marriage not lasting, and they are just trying to protect you from (what they believe) is future pain. I think people see their own mistakes and want to protect others - particularly loved ones - to not make the same mistakes, and so it comes out as disapproval or being mean, when they really believe they are just trying to help you.
I don't think it matters what any of US think, you need to do what feels right.
Personally for *me*, getting married that young would not have worked out (I'm 32) because I didn't understand yet how to be in a commited relationship. But we are all different and plenty of people have successful marriages at your age. My mom was 20 when she got married and my dad was 23; they celebrated their 40th anniversary in November.
Congratulations and good luck!
For me I am VERY glad that I didnt get married that young. I had a serious b/f at that age and thought I wanted to get married but I realized I would be missing out on too much.
Now that I am 24 and had a few single years of partying and random hook-ups I know im ready to get married and settle down. I know I will never wonder what if. I know a few people who got married too young and are leaving there husbands/ wives & kids because they want to be single and missed out when they were younger.
My 19-21 being single was prob the best most fun time of my life!
When I was 19, I began dating someone I loved. He was 2 years older, just graduating college and from an affluent family. During the 6 years we were together, he got a fantastic finance position, we bought a gorgeous house in a wonderful beach town with an awesome school and really were living "the dream". I woke up one day at 25 and realized that, even though I was very happy with all of the wealth we had accrued and he really was in love with me, I wasn't in love with him. I was comfortable and had been doing all of the things I thought I was supposed to do, but felt like something was missing for me. We were engaged, but had never set a date - because of my insistance that I did not want to marry before 30 (not even sure why I had that insistance, exactly). I told him I wanted to separate for a few months and try to figure out what this feeling was that I was having. That was the best decision I ever made. I left him shortly after (breaking his heart, unfortunately, but giving him all of "our" assests without any contest) and spent the next several years discovering what I wanted from life. I'm now 34 and about to marry a man who is nothing like that man I spent 6 years with, but I have never felt love the way I do with him - he is in love with me and I can finally say, I am in love.
Although I am fully aware that everyone's circumstances are different and no one can possibly know what is truly right for someone else - I never pass a moment to share this story with my 20 and 22 yo nieces when I can. I always stress to them that the reason I left was that I didn't know me enough yet.
As long as you know who you are and are comfortable with that then you have to trust that your decisions are best for you.
Some people thought I was too young at 28! I wouldn't worry about what people say, they don't walk in your shoes and have no idea what your life is like and how mature you are.
But I do think in general it's better to wait until your mid-late 20's to get married. The reason I think this is because I look back at myself, my family and my friends at this age and I KNOW none of us were mature enough to take such a huge step. It's not just a wedding, it's a marriage and you have another person to consider adn at your ages, I promise both of you will go through so many mental and physical changes that will pose big challenges to your marriage.
Not knowing you at all, the only advice I would give you is to really ask yourself why you NEED to get married this young. There is nothing wrong with waiting, no downside. I promise! Again, do this without considering what other people are saying about their own personal opinions, look at yourself, think about your goals.
These posts can get pretty heated.
Generally speaking, yes, it is a bad idea to get married super-young, for many reasons, statistical and otherwise. BUT it depends on the individual person and their circumstances... I don't think it is a bad idea for everybody.
i think it's totally up to each couple to decide when marriage is right for them. if you're ready at 18, more power to you. if you're not ready until you're 55, that's fine too.
however, my general thought is that if you are asking "am i too young?", you're too young. it doesn't exactly seem like you're asking that, but that's how i typically view young marriages. along the same line if someone says 'do you think i'm ready for marriage?" i typically think "no".
I am still considered a young bride at 22, and I am marrying the man I have been with since high school. I must say, in the 4 years between 18 and 22, we have been through so much that I dont see how we would have gotten married before now.
I'm just saying. Make sure. Dont make any rash decisions. If the 2 of you are mature enough, then I dont see any problem with it.
I will share with you the advice my mother shared with me. She and my father got married at 18 and 21 (2 weeks after she graduated high school). She's been telling me my whole life how much she regrets doing it that young. She told me that if she had it to do over, she would have waited into her 20s and became her own person first. Thats kind of heavy coming from someone whose been married 35 years. She regrets it. Just make sure you won't.
I agree with mishellez. My 19-22 college party years were so much fun! I did so much growing up in that time.
I don't think that age matters, I have very close family friends and one of them who is 20 and in the military a year and a hlaf ago married the love of his life who at the time she was only 17! this april they renewed their vows in a lovely ceremony with all of their closest friends and family, and from what I can tell they are just as in love with each other as I am with my fiance. I am getting married young as well, I am 21 and my fiance is 25 we have been together for almost 4 years, have a house together, 2 cats, and a dog. Are so very very very in love and I couldn't picture myself getting married to anyone else, we just tell people that we are so very blessed to of found each so quickly in life! His parents were high school sweethearts and got married their senior of high school being 17 & 18. So if you feel it's right don't worry what anyone else says, just what's in your heart!
I agree with most of the bees. I too was engaged at an early age (18, I'm now 28). We never set a date because I also wanted to live my life and find out who I was. We ultimatley broke up and I now am in a loving relationship.
For me it was hard to say at 18 that I really knew who I was. For me my 20's were for making mistakes that I can learn from in my 30's. Evryone's situation is different, I have met some very mature 18 year olds and some very immature 40 year olds. Age doesnt really make a difference it's more about if you know that you are ready and this feels right to you then by all means do whatver makes you happy.
My boyfriends parents also married when they were 18 and they have been together for over 25 years. Dont let anyone tell you that your age determines how long your marriage will last. it is up to you to want to make the marriage work and put in the work that makes a marriage last.
Good luck to you!
I think people put it down because of their own personal experiences. I for one cannot imagine getting married at 18. In fact, I didn't feel ready until I was about 27. But that doesn't mean that another 18-year-old isn't ready. I think it's just hard for people to look at things from a different point of view.
I also think it depends where you're from. I grew up in Connecticut, where no one marries young. I'm just getting to the age now (28) where my friends are getting married. However, I moved to Missouri five years ago. I've noticed that quite a few of the college students I work with are either married or engaged.
I'd just ignore the comments. If you and your fiancé are sure, then it doesn't matter what other people think.
It all depends on the couple. I think it is easy for people to disapprove because, well, people with more life experience (ie. older people) tend to look down on young people in general and their decisions. Maybe they are jealous. Seriously. Maybe they are jaded or judgemental because of the high divorce rate- which IS unfortunately, a reality. No one can say what is right for you or what will work out. If you two are ready and dedicated, there isn't a problem. Marriage is a good thing and people have been getting married young for a very long time. Personally, I was not ready until I lived more, but I also led a sheltered life prior to going off to college, so it all depends. I do know that I am a completely different personal NOW than I was before college, and different even than I was in college. I think a relationship can work if you understand and expect that you both will change, because that will happen no matter what your age when you first get married. If you are dedicated to helping each other through life's changes, and allowing one another to evolve, and evolve together, then- like any other successful relationship, you will stick it out.
There are lots of opinions on this. In my own personal situation, I am VERY glad to have waited until I was older. This allowed me some time to break out on my own, support myself and have fun for awhile, and just enjoy my own life in general. Be independent. Live by my own rules, that sort of thing. For me, it would have been difficult to do this while married. If I was married when I was younger, I think I would have been sad to miss out on this part of my life. Of course, some people feel that their relationship would not inhibit this phase; but for me, it probably would have.
On the other hand, my mother was married when she was very young. She was 19 years old. She is still very happily married to my father after over 30 years. I do think she feels like she has missed out on some things, but she is also glad to have already raised her children. She is out on her own with my Dad right now enjoying their lives in their 50's, and they just bought a condo downtown in the city! Good for them! So I guess it really just depends on your personal situation and what you and your significant other want for your lives :-)
Generally, I'm of the opinion that everyone is ready to be married at a different time, matures at a different time, meets the right person at a different time, etc.
But like ejs4y8, I notice that you are only 16 now and I think I can honest say that no 16 year old is mature enough and ready for all that a marriage entails. There is a difference between "marrying young" and just truely being not ready. Are you both financially secure and able to live entirely on your own?
Granted - I don't know you or your fiance. But I do truely believe that there is no way you are actually ready to decide to get married at 16. Maybe by 18 you will be (but that would still be on the very young end of where I could see someone being "ready" for marriage). Either way - I do wish you both the best of luck and want to say that those around you who are questioning you marrying are only doing so because they are trying to look out for your best interests and your future.
Ooh, I didn't realize that you were only 16, although I suppose I should have.
I honestly have to say that I think that's too young. I'm old enough to be your mother and there's no way I'd let her begin planning her wedding at age 16.
Is there a reason why you're getting married as soon as you turn 18? If your love is strong enough for you to get married, it should also be strong enough for you to wait for a few years. Again, I don't know your situation but if I were you, I'd wait until you were both fully educated and/or gainfully employed before getting married.
Do the two of you have the means to live on your own after the wedding?
Sorry for the comment diarrhea but I have more to say.
My mother got married at age 19 and regrets it to this day. She says that she was nowhere near mature enough to handle it.
I also just want to say that I grew up SO MUCH in my twenties. The person I was at age 20 was nowhere near the person I was at age 29. Those years really formed me and I'm glad I didn't settle down with anyone before I became the person I am.
@danadelphia: Could not agree more about the changes you go through in your twenties. At 16, I had no idea I would soon be going through what I have come to call my "teenage girl freakout" from ages 17-19. I'm 25 now and I have changed so much in the past five years alone.
And that's the risk getting married so young @JB4evr: you will most likely go through some serious changes over the next few years and this could either have you grow with your partner or away from him. I've seen it happen both ways.
My opinion on the subject is that if you are asking, you still care too much about what other people think, and therefore you are too immature to get married!
Which makes sense because you are 16. My thought is at 16 are you really thinking about your future?
Most people think back to their own bad experiences or relationships when they were 18. A lot of people aren't mature enough to handle marriage at age 18, though there are exceptions. The people that really care about you will be supportive, and not focus on the negative situations of other people.
I think a lot of ppl just get up in arms because it seems to be "common knowledge" that younger marriages break up at a higher rate than older ones. My guess is that a lot of these folks are well-meaning, but maybe insensitive in their delivery! It's probably true that statistically, you and your FI are more likely to split up than a similarly-situated couple who's say, in their late 20s. But of course that by no stretch of the imagination means that you can't have a great marriage, and I sincerely hope you do!
There's also a lot of restrictions at a younger age - it's harder to rent a car, rent an apartment, be in school, etc. For all of your plans, you will need a parent because you can't sign contacts until you're 18. Most likely, if you live on your own after the wedding, one of your parents will need to be on the lease for the apartment. I live in a 21+ apartment, because anywhere that will rent to someone younger is pretty crappy, because they're college apartments.
I met my FH when I was 14. We started dating when I was 17, and 5 years later, we're still so incredibly close. It's possible to get married at 18, but it will in no way be easy. You have got to be prepared for it.
Best of luck!!
I think young love can be a beautiful thing. But there's a bunch of caveats to that.
A lot of people our grandparents age were married young but I also think they had more responsibility and independence at a young age and thus were more mature, I don't see that except from a very small portion of young people now, and I know this is going to be mean but that includes to a bit lesser extent, college kids. Without true independence and responsibility (which is what is lacking in a lot of college kids, they have independence without responsibility) I think it's almost impossible to grow into your own person. And who you become makes a huge difference in who you want to marry. My love at 16 yo, who I was convinced I could be devoted to and love forever and is still a wonderful sweet, caring person, I'm glad I didn't marry - prob could have made things work but we grew in different directions. Same with my 20 yo love. It really took going off on my own and being comfortable independently until I grew into a confidant woman, and that's what I think made me ready to choose a partner and be ready for marriage.
The other big caveat that I have is watching/hearing about others who have had bad experiences. My dad was married that young and his wife left him less than a year later. I have several friends who's parents got pregnant young and married, and half way through their life their mom decided to jet because she'd 'grown up too fast' (for some reason with my friends it was the mom that left, which seems to be a bit atypical), and more recently my friends who got married young are no longer married except for one couple (out of four). So my experience of them, besides for my grandparents, have mainly been negative.
That being said there's exceptions to every rule. But I think it's important to figure out your life goals and dreams and how you can support each other without losing yourself in each other if you do decide to get married young.
I used to completely look down upon young marriages until I realized each situation is different and each couple is different in their maturity levels. If a young person wants to get married, but has never held down a job (to actually support themselves, not just spending money), never lived away from home, never has lived completely independent and not off of their parents help, then yeah, I tend to look down upon young marriages. I just don't think going from parents house/lifestyle/support straight to marriage is necessarily the most responsible thing to do. I'm just a firm believer you need to know that you can depend on yourself before you up the responsibility levels that a marriage brings on. That being said, I've known several people that were dang near 30 and still mooched off of their parents and couldn't function as a mature adult. So, that's why I say it depends on the situation/couple.
One of the bees commented on the a post similiar to this awhile ago and said something that older brides have is hindsight. And no one can argue this, no matter how matture and responsible a young bride is, they do not have the hindsight they may have gained 10 years down the road. A young bride is 18, but has never been 28. I am 28 and have been 18...I know ALL about the difficulties and growing up that happens in those 10 years.
My little sister (she's 21) will most likely getting engaged soon and to hear her speak of marriage it makes me wonder if she's ready. She's going in making marriage sound like it's all fun and games and basically playing house...yeah, not so much. Then again, she'll learn as will all other young brides.
I was married at 19 - between my sophomore and junior year of college. We moved across the country so he could work on his Phd and I transfered and with only six months out finished up my BA. Moving across country with a "husband" was easier than with a boyfriend. We had hard times, poor times, great times, good times. I could have handled things on my own but being a partner was where my heart was. I cant imagine what my life would have been otherwise. Flash forward 27 years later we are divorced. BUT we both have found other partners that are good for us; at this time in our lives.
27 years sort of qaulifies me as a "success" so some advice I have
1 Always communicate- find a way- email, late night talks, walking the dog, whatever it takes find the time
2. Have mutual goals- work together on projects- on goals, on your plans -short term ,long term
3. Remember its about US and not about you or him at least most of the time- sometimes its 80/20 60/40 but it wont work if its the same person getting the short stick alll the time.
4. Its not always sunny and fun- sometimes it is just hard work- but if the right foundation is there it will endure.
Maybe its true that as human animals we just arent programed to be with the same person for 50/60 years,. We live longer than our parents, grandparents. We change, we evolve. There is more temptation. Women dont have to marry to be "taken care of". The world is definately different. But that doesnt mean you wont be the exception. Best wish
PS Between my FI and I we have 50 years of marriage- just to different people. We are working on our own 20 year plan
IMO if you're still referring to yourself as "almost 17" or "x weeks since I was 18", you're probably too young for marriage. There is so much growth in the 20s, learning how to be independent, financially stable, learning to live with others, learning to make mistakes and grow. I just couldn't fathom marriage at your age.
Married life is knowing who you are, who he is, and compromising together to have a happy life. Real world problems are much tougher than studying for tests and gossiping in the lunchroom and being in love. I'm not saying you aren't mature or don't have real life issues, but I am strong believer that you CANNOT love another unless you first know and love yourself with complete independence.
Marriage is a commitment. It is an understanding that you're choosing to be there for each other in life. It's not as simple as being in love. I loved ex's, but it's not the same at all, or anywhere close. I LOVE my fiance, and I know he'll make a great father. Together we have made a home, we divide the chores, we support each other when we have tough decisions to make. We pay the bills and make decisions on how to use our money now to make the best future for us. We're together to make the greatest possible future we can for ourselves and our future family.
The concept of decades together would have been lost on me at 18, even though I was very mature at the age.
I think most older people express concern, because at 18 you (generally) haven’t “lived” much. And even if you have had a "hard life", that still doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve really lived much, or that you are more ready for marriage.
Marriage isn’t just something you do because you are in love. It’s day-to-day household chores, and bills and other non-fun things that are generally easier if you each are already somewhat educationally, emotionally and financially stable, which most 18 year olds aren’t. There are exceptions to every rule, but most people are not the exception. You might be, I don't know, and only you will do at some point down the road in a few years.
I think too though that if the *majority* of the people you love and trust in your life the most (and who you know love you and look out for you) are telling you to “slow down” or “watch out” about ANY major decision you are about to make, it’s probably for a good reason, and might be worth listening to them.
Good luck.
When you're young, marriage is more of a fantasy. Or sometimes it's even a form of salvation because of difficulties in a young person's home life. While it's fun to play house & to be "grown up"; the novelty will wear off pretty quickly. Real life problems will get in the way of the fairytale & if you aren't emotionally prepared to handle it... it may not turn out well.
Looking back to when I was 17, I was in a serious relationship. My boyfriend at the time taught me a lot and, while I loved him, it would have been a mistake to promise to spend my life with him before my life had even begun.
Wait like 5 years. What's 5 more years when you're going to be spending 50+ together for the rest of your lives?
Just my very personal opinion: If you're asking if you're too young to get married, you are probably too young to get married.
You're also going to put a lot of strain on yourself if those who love you aren't supporting you guys getting married. They probably have your best interest at heart and whether they're misguided or they're right about whether or not it's a good idea, I would try to get them on a good page with you before jumping into this. Marriage becomes 10x harder if you lose your support network.
I don't think there is something wrong with amrrying young, it just wasn't tight for me. It might be for you, but waiting never hurt anyone.
When I was 17 I had my first child. I knew it was a shock to my family and obviously changed my life completely. I felt a lot of pressure when making the decision to keep my baby or not (which I did) from my parents. Looking back I realise I was making a really adult decision when I wasn't an adult. I really had no business making decisions like,that, but due to my choices I had to.
My point with that stiry was things change and you sometimes look back on things and see that you didn't really know as much as you thought you did.Best of luck in whatever you decide.
The short version for me would be why not wait? I truly don't understand the rush to get married. If a relationship is forever then it will still be there is 4 years when both parties are more mature, more established financially, and have begun careers.
When I was growing up my parents were very clear about their expectations in this matter. They did not want us to even consider marriage until we had graduated from college, established a career, lived on our own and traveled and seen the world. They encouraged us to leave our home state for college. I am so grateful that they saw the importance of independence and that we had many important roles in life besides wife.
I love my fiance and am looking forward to having a full and interesting life with him. But I am also glad to know that I've had a full and interesting life without him.
I don't know many people who got married young (like 22 or younger). However, of the handful of young couples I do know, all of the them got married basically because they wanted to have sex. I'm not saying this is why everyone getting married young would be choosing to marry early, but I think people will assume the whole "we wanna do it!" reason for a younger couple before thinking it for an older couple.
I am sorry my dear, but you are not going to like what I have to say.
I am 25 years old, and I was engaged previously to a different man... my high school sweetheart. We were POSITIVE that we were perfect for eachother an had no doubts what-so-ever that we were made for eachother and going to be with eachother forever. But, as the other posts say, we changed so much in our 20's that I broke off our engagement... it was the HARDEST thing I have ever had to decide to do, but I thank God every day that we didn't get married because divorce would be so much harder and thank goodness we didn't have kids in the mix to make it harder on them! If you are SURE that you two are right for eachother, there is no reason to rush... but there is very good reason to wait. I now have the right man and could not be more grateful that I have him, and don't have a messy divorce in my past.
Chances are, people telling you to wait care very much about you... enough to say things they know you don't want to hear. I hate to say this, but at this age, when your family may not be backing you, it is actually a little selfish to not wait until you are financially stable and your family has at least a little peace.
Please, please, please wait a few years.
@JB4evr: I'd love to hear what you have to say about some of the thoughts / suggestions posed by the other bees and what your responses are to some of the questions that have been asked regarding college, financial stability, living arrangements, etc.
Oh, a couple questions, sorry for the double post:
1) How long have you two been together?
2) Who has made comments about you being too young? What was your response?
3) What is your financial/living situation?
4) Why do you want to get married now as opposed to a few years from now?
I'm curious and invested :)
My husband and I waited to get married until we were 21/22 even though we were together since we were 17. We wanted to make sure that we went to college and were able to support ourselves before getting married. I am not looking down on you in any way, just make sure that you know how you are going to support yourselves before getting married.
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