- 5 years ago
I didn’t know if I wanted to post this under Intimacy or Emotional as it is both. I was thinking of writing this last night and got so upset I was crying 🙁
I have so many thoughts I don’t even know how to get them out straight. Basically the situation is that my FI said that he doesn’t like having sex with me as much now as before when I was on birth control and we didn’t use condoms. Now I’m off BC and we are using condoms. Then my other concern (which is probably TMI but I’m going ahead with it anyway) is that when I was on BC it seemed like it took a lot longer for me to warm up and be ready for him but now that I’m off it’s like I get wet instantaneously. It’s so embarassing when my FI wipes his hand off on the sheets or whatever after fingering me. And then I feel like I’m so slippery it’s like I’m not exactly “tight” anymore which I know I should be doing Kegels to keep that all in its place but I never remember.
Between all that and my body issues I just feel so uncomfortable when having sex with him, on the now rare (like once a week) occasion that we do have sex. We used to have it more often and when I bring it up with him, he says “I’m not 18 anymore!” Um we are 24. I didn’t think that was too old to be having sex on a daily basis. I would like to have it more often (I swear my libido increased after getting off the BC) but at the same time I feel bad about myself so I don’t want to do it. If that even makes sense. Usually I will want to do it but I don’t initiate it because I feel so disgusting and then when he does actually want to do it I will turn him away because I’m too embarassed.
THEN there is the oral sex issue. My FI loves to get BJ’s but I’m not a huge fan though I will do it most of the time. It hurts my jaw so some of the time I will start him off and then he’ll masterbate to finish. However he doesn’t want to recipricate either. I mean I’m self conciouse about that too but partially because I know FI hates it. He never did it to any previous GF (I’m the only one he has had sex with and he is only my 2nd so we both aren’t very experienced or knowledgable in the sex area). So I never ask for it even though sometimes I want to because I know he hates it. And with previously stated wet conditions I just know it grosses him out.
I know this is a long post and we’ve got some serious sexual dysfunction going on in this relationship. I just feel like there is something wrong with me and I needed to vent……