(Closed) Is this a crazy idea?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

my family’s gatherings have the same dynamic. i hate it, but they’re only once or twice a year so i can deal.

i think it’s a great idea to talk about all of this with dh before deciding to ttc to make sure you’re on the same page with all of your expectations. a contract seems like overkill/a bit crazy to me, but you know your dh better than i do.

Post # 4
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think contract might be a bit extreme but a conversation would be helpful!

My husbands family is very much this way.  His parents are currently raising my niece and nephew and while my MIL works (from home), my FIL does not work.  She still takes the kids to daycare (about 45 minutes round trip twice a day) and entertains/bathes/puts the kids to bed.  He has stepped up some with cooking dinner and cleaning and helping wind down the kids at night but thats about it. 

As MH and I started having conversations about having kids, I started pointing out things that bothered me that I saw in others (obviously at home in privacy).  It lead to some great discussions about how we want to parent. 

Post # 5
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

No offense but the contract idea made me laugh.

So what would you do if he doesn’t hold up his end, sue him?

Post # 6
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think the contract is extreme, but the general idea around it is good. I have to say that most of the parents I see in Brooklyn seem to be sharing the workload almost equally. I always see the Dads at the farmers market with the kids buying groceries.

You could always do what my sister and her husband do and have alternating days when one person is the main caregiver and the other gets a complete pass on staying out late etc. As long as you talk it over beforehand and decide what system will work best for you, I think it will be fine.

Post # 7
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

I think a sort of ceremonial contract would be a good idea for you. Nothing drawn up and legal, of course, because that would be a bit extreme (and kinda crazy!) But it would help to have a set of “Baby Rules” documented to help you both hammer out exactly what you expect from parenthood. My husband and I talk about it a lot, because I’m afraid of the same things. I work from home, and I’m afraid that I’ll be the one doing all the work with the baby, and he’ll go off and have a good time with his buddies every night. It’s not necessarily a rational fear (especially when he talks excitedly about sleeping next to the crib and being the night-time feeder/changer, I mean, how awesome is that? Who knows if it’ll happen, but at least he’s excited about it!), but it’s one a lot of women think about.

You can line out how much time per day you’d like to split up watching the baby (since you’re at home, you’ll take maybe 60%, and he’ll cover the 40% when he’s home from work and in the mornings), a night-time feeding schedule (say, he gets everything before 2:30, and you cover the early mornings) and all the other logistics. So long as you both know what you want from each other, then I think it’s a great idea! Now to go chat with my hubs about it…

Post # 8
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think that a contract might be a bit of an overkill. And i agree with troubled what happens if he doesnt hold up his end of the bargain?

When my DH and I started talking about TTC we talked about our expectations and our concerns. It made a big difference.

Not to mention now that i am pregnant… I am struggling with the complete opposite…how am i going to LET him help me lol. I feel like i would want to do it all myself.

Post # 9
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

talking about it is a great idea, a contract seems a bit much!

Post # 11
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@moderndaisy:

Too funny, I’ll bet that is exactly the case! It is teh NYC equivalent of telling the kids to go play in the yard ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

haha. I guess if you felt like you and your husband really need something like that, I guess? Would he be offended???

We don’t really have the same dynamic on my husband’s side of the family. When we get together everyone cooks together. One person might be making the main but another might be doing sides. Others will help with prep or do clean up. All the boys were taught to participate in household duties by their parents. So I don’t foresee that issue with my husband and I.

I guess my other question would be how is he now around the home? Do you do the bulk of the housework? I would take that as an indicator as well. Although I think it’s completely possible his attitude might change when he’s a father! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It seems like this would be a very important part of the larger “so we wants to have kids…” parenting philosophy conversation, along with how you want to raise them, what you priorities are, how you will discipline, how you will handle child care, etc.

Post # 15
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think since you know (I assume :)) that the document wouldn’t be legally binding, that it’s a good idea.  But really the convo is key.  Realistically though, he can agree to all the terms and not fulfill them once the time comes.  This is a fear I’m dealing with now (I’m 12 weeks right now).  Part of me thinks I’m just being irrational, but am I?  Who knows.  I think men of some families/cultures are conditioned to be the secondary care giver and I’m not ok with that.  I think it should be a joint effort and I won’t give up until that’s what I have in my marriage/family.  I think it’s a matter of open, everlasting communication.  We’ll see!

Post # 16
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You should both agree on this- be sure to let him know how you feel….that these are going to be his kids too! I am sorry that you are experiencing this….

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