Is this a rough patch? Help me!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

It sounds like since he’s been home these 3 weeks, he’s gotten on your nerves a bit. And maybe you’re really annoyed about things you normally don’t pay much attention to.  when you do see him normally you’re so happy to have that time, you just put the other stuff out of your mind. I sounds like every little thing has just really begun to bother you. Maybe take sometime for your self and just relax. Put things into perspective a bit.

You’ve chosen to live separetly until the marriage, so some of this is just growing pains. Not really a rough patch. 

 

Post # 4
Member
3530 posts
Sugar bee

Anon2Bee:  I would say it’s more because you haven’t lived together you’re not always seeing the quirks that make a person as well.  When I lived with my husband, I noticed the quirks that I never noticed before.  He has this bad habit of leaving water bottles all over the house.  It drives me nuts, but it’s who he is.  And I still love him.

I don’t think it’s a rough patch in your relationship. I think you’re learning who your FI is and some of the quirks that weren’t apparent.  These are not deal breakers and planning a wedding can be very stressful.  I wouldn’t worry too much about sniping at each other.  it’s when you’re having knock down drag out fights with your FI that I would start worrying.

Post # 5
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Trick with marriage. PICK your fights. If you can say yes say yes and save your no’s for the big things. Think about ways that you can make him happy instead of ways you can begin a tiff. As women, we try to get men to prove their love and often that means we want them to only do what we want to do all the time else it means their affections are waning. Calm down. Tell him you love him. Thank him when he is sweet to you. Ask him what he would like to do. We get the respect we give. And sympathise with his mother. She is used to being his top woman. She may be overemotional but complaining about her will not endear her son to you. Instead, try to make it as easy on her as you can. Tell her you are now sharing him. Be kind and you will find you get more back. And stop worrying and bickering. If you cant think of something positive to say, ask yourself, does this really matter?? And if not, move on. 

Post # 8
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

Anon2Bee:  You’ve got to choose your battles. It sounds like you need to ask yourself why it’s so important for you to be “right”. Sometimes it’s about being happy, instead of being right. This takes time to evolve to, and it sounds like with the distance before you just didn’t have to deal with it until now. 

Here are some examples from my own relationship-

-My FI tends to wait last minute to do things, I am a planner. For years I would nag, cajole, and implore him to plan ahead more. Then I realized, that’s just how he is. Now, I let him wait until the last minute. Sometimes it backfires and he ends up stressed- but I let him. He’s my fiance, not my kid. So now when I see him putting something off, I just don’t say anything. 

-I’m messy. My FI is neat. It used to bother him, he didn’t understand why I wouldn’t “just put things back”. The truth is, I just don’t notice. We could fight about it constantly, but we don’t. He accepts it. So does he clean up more than I do? Yes. But you know what? I take care of finances, shopping, food preparation, social engagements, etc. 

-He’s not social at all, I’m more social than he is. I could drag him to every party with me. Or I can let him be himself, let him stay home and play music, and I can go by myself and have a blast. 

It sounds stupidly simple, but basically no one is perfect. If the worst thing I have to deal with is that my FI isn’t social and isn’t much of a planner, and the worst thing he has to deal with is me being messy- it’s not that bad. It’s all about accepting the bad with the good- and understanding that no one is perfect. As long as you both do this, it works. If only one person does it, it won’t. 

 

Post # 9
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Anon2Bee:  DH and I have been together for 10 years.  We’ve lived together for 8.  Until 2 years ago we had NEVER had the same schedule.  One of us was working nights, one of us had weekends off etc.  We always had at least a day entirely to oursevles.  Then I graduated, got a M-F 9-5 and DH had the same.  It took some serious getting used to.  DH is an introvert, he needs that time to himself which I didn’t understand because I’m not like that. 

It took us a good few months to get used to not having the separation we were used to, but we figured out how to make it work for us.

Post # 10
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Anon2Bee:  As PPs have said it sounds like, because of your situation, you’re currently finding yourself in the same situation many couples face when they 1st move in together. When my FI and I 1st moved in together MY GOD the rows! We’re opposite in so many ways and blood was nearly spilt! It took about 6 months for us to settle down and get used to each others ‘little ways’ . We’re fine now and more in love than ever and it’s in great part due to us both learning to accept each other as we are, take a breath and bite our tongue sometimes. In short I think most couples go through this, if you truly love each other you’ll come out the other side stronger. Good Luck!

Post # 12
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Anon2Bee:  I had the same worries when it happened to us.  I know friends of mine said when they bought their teeny 500sq ft condo it was the roughest time they’d ever had getting used to sharing so little space.

Living in the instagram/facebook world we have is hard, people make their relationships look perfect all the time, but that’s not reality.  I’ve discovered that when I talk to my friends, things are never quite as hunky dory as they look online 😀

Post # 14
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

Anon2Bee:  Aw, glad you’re feeling better! Also, I know this is so politically incorrect to say, but when I’m feeling a bit more critical and combative I stop and look at the calendar. Like 9 times out of 10 I’m just PMSing, lol. Then I just explain to FI, usually he’s like, “yeah, I figured”- haha. 

Post # 15
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Anon2Bee:  

So glad I could help, sweetie. I hope you get a lot of fun out of the next three weeks!

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