Is this abuse?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yes, you are being abused.

Walking on eggshells, being cursed at, him playing the victim (it’s all your fault that YOU piss him off). These are all signs of abuse. And of course he is a great guy some of the time. Abusers would never get their victims to stick around if they were abusive assholes all the time. They use selective reinforcement to keep their victims of balance.

Please, please talk to a qualified person to help you sort through your feelings and help you find the safest way to leave him. 

Read the first entry for some great resources

http://live.washingtonpost.com/carolyn-hax-live-102811.html

 

Post # 4
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes, that is abuse.  And who cares if he thinks that?  He doesn’t sound like the kind of person whose opinion you should worry about.  Get out before you start feeling physically threatened.  Real, healthy relationships aren’t like that and you deserve better.  

Post # 5
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Yep sounds exactly like abuse to me. The walking on eggshells, the cursing, the double standards for behavior, and most importantly the victim blaming. You don’t make him pissed off, he chooses to be pissed off. He is in control of his emotions and reactions you can’t make him do anything. If he doesn’t see something wrong with his behavior and is willing to try to change it, it’s time to bounce.

Post # 6
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

The part that worries me is that he acts in an abusive manner (verbally abusing you), and while he apologises, he immediately turns around and tells you it is your fault. That tells me that he isn’t really sorry as he immediately tries to justify his actions. The main thing that concerns me is that it seems like a short step from that to “I’m sorry I hit you, but you shouldn’t have made me mad”. 

Your husband needs to realise that it is not okay to shout and swear at you in that maNner. If he will not realise that then I think you need to get out. 

Post # 8
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@anon444:  I’m so glad that you are being proactive about this. Don’t think that it is your fault that the relationship is becoming abusive. From what I’ve read on the Bee and heard in real life it’s like all of the abusers read the same ‘how to be a complete asshole’ handbook. They all seem to use the same methods and excuses. If you are going to see yourself as a common thread in this see it as picking the wrong type of guy to date, and reevaluate how you choose your dating partners.

Post # 9
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

((Hugs)) I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing all of this. Yes, he is most definitely verbally and emotionally abusive. 

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-emotional-verbal-abuse

Here is the official immigration site that pertains to your situation. It doesn’t sound like you will suffer any consequences because you entered into your marriage in good faith. Please don’t let worries about your green card stop you from getting out of a terrible situation. 

Post # 10
Member
4223 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s 100% abusive. The worst of it is that his behavior is making you feel lie there’s something wrong with you, and that you have to do something different. Please find a way to safely leave. 

Post # 11
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anon444:  It’s not your fault. But you do have some ownership in getting into 2 abusive relationships. you dont recognize it when a man is being disrespectful to you; instead you blame yourself for his bad behavior. Something in your past told you that badly behaving men equals love. People who have healthy esteem and boundries dont let other people abuse and be disrespectful. 

Therapy first should focus on how to safely get out of this relationship (abusers rarely change). Then you should explore what a respectful relationship looks like, how to spot other forms of abuse (as you know it looks different every time) and how to stand up for yourself, have good boundries and/or leave at the first sign of disrespect.

Good Luck!

Post # 12
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Abuse. Get out now!!!

Post # 15
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@anon444:  My BFF (born outside the US) was married to an emotionally abusive American guy for a year before she left him and they divorced. She is about to get her US citizenship BC she truly married him for love, but he forced her to leave with his behavior. Your lawyer will know more, but don’t think that you will automatically lose your chance at a green card if you leave him.

Post # 16
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

It’s definitely abuse and I’m proud of you for having the courage to get out. I waited 7 years and looking back I am astonished at what a doormat I was but I think when it’s a gradual change, day by day a little more subdued and suppressed, you don’t realize how far down you are. Like you there was never physical abuse but the constant put-downs and yelling took their toll. I eventually kicked him out and spent 2 years on my own with my smoochy cat, getting myself back together thanks to my wonderful family and friends.  I’m now in a loving supportive relationship with an amazing man. Go and enjoy your single life for a while, do things that make you happy; there will be a great guy out there for you when you’re ready! Wishing you peace and happiness in the next chapter of your life. 

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