Is this an insult to FILs?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Mademoiselle-G:  It is not fair that you have to cut your invites but she doesn’t have to cut her.  Paying or not.

It is not insulting – in fact, if anything, she should be thanking you.  

Post # 4
442 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t consider it an insult. If she’s insisting that her guests still come (which is valid since she is paying), you can say that you are paying to make sure that your important guests can be there. If anything, she should be the one who feels bad.

Post # 5
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Mademoiselle-G:  i think this is acceptable. I would first find out what they are willing to pay for, and then tell them that you will be paying the difference for the remaining guest list.

Post # 6
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Mademoiselle-G:  If it were me i wouldnt care if she was insulted or not by me paying the difference! I also think its quite insulting of her that the guests to be cut are yours! As you say,she has had 2 years to work with what SHE agreed to,id be really pissed

Post # 7
133 posts
Blushing bee

I think that’s a fair compromise. FIL gave us a set amount and let H plan it. We were responsible for anything over that amount. Turns out it was a lot cheaper than we expected!

Post # 9
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It is very generous of you.  Now you know, dont count on inlaws for anything.

Post # 10
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think either covering the amount they can pay or offering to change it to a more affordable location would be reasonable options. And just learn from this for the future – they can’t be counted on to follow through on a commitment. 

Post # 11
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Mademoiselle-G:  There is nothing insulting about splitting the costs. The only thing insulting is that you would be expected to cut down YOUR guest list but not them, especially if it is people you don’t know. I say your compromise is more than fair.

Post # 12
7179 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Mademoiselle-G:  I would call FMIL and just talk about it.  Tell her that you’ve thought about the problem (her not being able to afford the original guest list) and that it’s important to you to include out of town guests and +1’s of the bridal party and you’d be willing to help with the cost, if that was acceptable to her.

I don’t think what you are asking is insulting, unless it ends up being insulting to FMIL.  The other option is to scrap the original idea and go with an option that’s less expensive and can accomodate the entire guest list.

Post # 13
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think it’s a reasonable compromise. I would also suggest moving it to a more affordable location so your in laws can cover the entire bill based on their new budget. If you can’t afford to contribute but feel the need to now, and your parents are dipping into retirement funds, then I think it’s only fair to see what your in laws’ budget is, and try to work within that without cutting the guest list.

Post # 15
133 posts
Blushing bee

We had a limited menu for our guests to choose from. I think there were five options, plus a kids menu. We also had a bar in a different room that had the hosted drinks in there- several types of beer, wine, water, tea, coffee, and sodas. If they wanted anything else, they had the option to buy themselves, but no one did. 

Post # 16
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you’re in a position to chip in the extra money, definitely do it. You guys agreed on a guest count, and IMO I think it’s kind of jerky of them to rescind your bridal party SO’s and your out of town guests, but not her own. I think it’s unkind as a host, but I think it’s unreasonable for her to think that’s ok.

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