Post # 1
My future in-laws offered to host our rehearsal dinner back when we were first engaged. Almost 2 years ago we (FMIL, FI, and myself) went to a restaurant where we looked at the private room, discussed guest count, set-up, menu, and price with the manager. FMIL agreed that it was great and booked it.
Two days ago she called to say that they can no longer afford to host the original guest count. I was a little caught off guard because they’ve had 2 years to save an amount of money that should not have been difficult for a family of their means.
We would have to cut the bridal party’s significant others, which to me is a big etiquette no-no. We would also have to eliminate guests who are flying in from across the country, all of whom invited us to their rehearsal dinners and I really want to return the favor. She was quick to say, however, that “her” out of towners would still have to be invited (people that I’ve never met and have not traveled that far).
Rather than cut the guest list short and possibly offend some people, I would like to split the cost of the dinner with FILs. I understand that if I want to accommodate everyone, I’ll just have to suck it up and pay.
My question is this: Would I be insulting my FILs by telling them that I’m not going to cut the guest list and I will just pay the difference?
Post # 3
@Mademoiselle-G: It is not fair that you have to cut your invites but she doesn’t have to cut her. Paying or not.
It is not insulting – in fact, if anything, she should be thanking you.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t consider it an insult. If she’s insisting that her guests still come (which is valid since she is paying), you can say that you are paying to make sure that your important guests can be there. If anything, she should be the one who feels bad.
Post # 5
@Mademoiselle-G: i think this is acceptable. I would first find out what they are willing to pay for, and then tell them that you will be paying the difference for the remaining guest list.
Post # 6
@Mademoiselle-G: If it were me i wouldnt care if she was insulted or not by me paying the difference! I also think its quite insulting of her that the guests to be cut are yours! As you say,she has had 2 years to work with what SHE agreed to,id be really pissed
Post # 7
I think that’s a fair compromise. FIL gave us a set amount and let H plan it. We were responsible for anything over that amount. Turns out it was a lot cheaper than we expected!
Post # 8
Thanks for the responses! I’m not happy about the situation at all. This is their only responsibility (and a relatively small one at that) for wedding costs and now they’re backing out. FI and I are paying for the entire reception and have had to include practical strangers and neighbors that they insisted be invited to the wedding. My mom and dad cut our family members and are picking up extra hours at work and dipping into retirement savings to help with a huge chunk of other expenses as well. I feel like it’s a bit of a cop-out to be honest. I really can’t afford it on top of everything else that we’re paying for but I don’t want to be “those people.”
Post # 9
It is very generous of you. Now you know, dont count on inlaws for anything.
Post # 10
I think either covering the amount they can pay or offering to change it to a more affordable location would be reasonable options. And just learn from this for the future – they can’t be counted on to follow through on a commitment.
Post # 11
@Mademoiselle-G: There is nothing insulting about splitting the costs. The only thing insulting is that you would be expected to cut down YOUR guest list but not them, especially if it is people you don’t know. I say your compromise is more than fair.
Post # 12
@Mademoiselle-G: I would call FMIL and just talk about it. Tell her that you’ve thought about the problem (her not being able to afford the original guest list) and that it’s important to you to include out of town guests and +1’s of the bridal party and you’d be willing to help with the cost, if that was acceptable to her.
I don’t think what you are asking is insulting, unless it ends up being insulting to FMIL. The other option is to scrap the original idea and go with an option that’s less expensive and can accomodate the entire guest list.
Post # 13
I think it’s a reasonable compromise. I would also suggest moving it to a more affordable location so your in laws can cover the entire bill based on their new budget. If you can’t afford to contribute but feel the need to now, and your parents are dipping into retirement funds, then I think it’s only fair to see what your in laws’ budget is, and try to work within that without cutting the guest list.
Post # 14
I thought about having it somewhere else but the restaurant is not even that pricey. Plus, it is in a perfect location and is in close proximity to venue and hotel. The private room is gorgeous and the staff have been great to work with. I think I will change the menu though. We were going to do dinner entrees but we can switch it to their lighter menu of burgers, salads, and sandwiches. We can also cut the open bar. We can do that and I’ll tell her that I’ll cover the difference of whatever she is willing to pay.
Post # 15
We had a limited menu for our guests to choose from. I think there were five options, plus a kids menu. We also had a bar in a different room that had the hosted drinks in there- several types of beer, wine, water, tea, coffee, and sodas. If they wanted anything else, they had the option to buy themselves, but no one did.
Post # 16
If you’re in a position to chip in the extra money, definitely do it. You guys agreed on a guest count, and IMO I think it’s kind of jerky of them to rescind your bridal party SO’s and your out of town guests, but not her own. I think it’s unkind as a host, but I think it’s unreasonable for her to think that’s ok.