Post # 1
Hi. I am kind of wondering if my feelings about this are okay. As you know, I am a bride myself, planning my own wedding. I have a full time job, I often work overtime, and I sometimes work other jobs on the side. My FI and I purposely set our wedding date pretty far in the future so we would have time to plan on a relaxed schedule and not get stressed out.
My friend got engaged a few weeks ago and set the date for Oct. 1. I was surprised when she asked me to be a BM, but also very honored that she valued my friendship. She lives abroad and is on a tight budget. She has only me and one other girl as BMs.
Within a couple days of being engaged she set me on my first job. She needed me to find a house that they could rent to having the wedding in. I did some research, sent her results, phoned people, emailed people, etc. Then she asked me to look up marriage license laws in the state where she’s having the wedding. I didn’t mind this, it only took me a few minutes. Then she wanted me to look up how to become an officiant in that state. Then she wanted me to find BM dresses in a color that’s hard to find, and she keeps saying no to all the ones I find. Now she’s asked me to find her some photographers to choose from. I just feel like I’m planning her wedding and it’s stressing me out. I also know that for the wedding itself they’re self catering, which means I’ll be cooking, baking, setting up, taking down. I don’t mind this so much, but I can’t spend the next 5 months planning her wedding AND mine. I feel a bit annoyed that she just couldn’t wait to get married so now I have to do all this work for her. I just feel so stressed out; I want to help her and I’m happy to up to a point, but this just seems like too much. but I don’t want to be a b**ch and say she’s asking too much of me and I can’t do it. Am I wrong to feel like this?
Post # 3
Sounds like she thinks you are more of her wedding coordinator than a bridesmaid. I would politely let her know that you have other obligations, including your own wedding planning, and that you are unable to handle all of these ridiculous tasks.
Post # 4
OMG this is not normal. Tell her to do it herself or pay a GD wedding planner, since you are not one!
Post # 5
Absolutely not. If she wanted a wedding planner she should hire and pay one. Your bridal party is not free labor!
The issue is you have to be very careful about how you say something to her so as not to end the friendship. I would just put all the burden on yourself. Rather than saying something like “YOU are asking too much of me”.. say something like “With planning my own wedding I am just really overwhelmed right now and I don’t feel like I can do the best job at these tasks for you”
Post # 6
You are not wrong at all! A bridesmaid has no other requirements except to buy the dress, and show up to the wedding. If you OFFER to help with other things, thats one thing. Looks like she’s trying to use you as her wedding planner. I would just tell her that although you’d love to help, you have a lot on your plate right now and you don’t have time. It’s very rude for her to be asking you to do so much… You should not be getting yourself so stressed out over her wedding, when you have your own to worry about.
Post # 7
Wow… no! I think she’s asking a bit much. Asking you for opinions and maybe making a few phone calls to specific vendors if shes out of the country and the long distance is too much is ok… but asking you do all this work and FIND all this stuff for her? Thats overboard. Its the info age, if she has email, surely she can do her own web searches.
Post # 8
It seems to me that you are going above and beyond in your role as bridesmaid and that you’re being taken advantage of. I could be wrong, but I believe bridesmaids traditionally do things like plan bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and to be a support throughout the engagement and wedding (by support I mean a listening ear, help out with things during the week of the wedding, etc…) It’s OK to have some boundaries and say something like “While I am honored to be a bridesmaid, a lot of these duties are really your responsibility. I am more than happy to help, but I am unable to do everything you are asking of me as I am working and planning my own wedding.” She could hire a wedding planner if she is too busy to do the things she’s asking of you.
Post # 9
And what,exactly, is SHE doing for her own wedding? I’d be nice about it, but tell her she has as much access to the internet as you do, and these are really all things she should be doing for herself.
Post # 10
Thanks so much ladies. I just feel like I’m about to cry. I feel awful.
@Moose1209: That is good wording!
Post # 11
echoing the previous sentiments – you are NOT a wedding coordinator. i get that since she’s abroad it isn’t as easy to call vendors and whatnot, but this is how she is choosing to get married so she shouldn’t be pushing that work onto you… you’re her friend not her employee.
Post # 12
Doesn’t she have the internet where she lives? She can google just as well as you can!
Post # 13
I don’t think she is being THAT unreasonable, but I do think you should tell her this is too much if that’s how your feeling. Get your expectations vs her expectations out in the open now before it turns into a real problem.
I’ve had my BM’s do lots of internet research for me on things they are good at. I’ve tried not to give them anything that is going to cost them money or take alot of time. BUT I have not gone to the extent that your friend has.
I’ve also been a bridesmaid a few times and had it both ways -its annoying when you’re offering to help and the bride does it all herself (and usually complains), and its annoying when you’re asked to do things that get overwhelming. I’ve always just been honest.
I think you can simply tell her that you are here in support, but are feeling a little overwhelmed with all the tasks she has given you -that you’ll gladly keep looking into X, Y, & Z , but don’t feel you can do A, B, C on your own. You can also take the approach of if you find some photographers -email them to me and I’ll pre screen them for you, but you have to make the final decision. My BM’s have sent me emails saying -I can’t look into this now because its end of the month (or whatever) and I am totally ok with that. I’d rather they get it out then stew over it while I wait for it to get done.
The only bright side to her planning her wedding before yours is that it will be out of the way when all the major planning & crunch time is going on for your wedding.
Post # 14
@ohheavenlyday:I disagree, this IS normal, but it’s not OK.
Tell her you’re glad she’s so excited but you need to slow down and you can’t do quite that much, though you’re still thrilled to help.
She has you doing WAY too much. If she wants to veto that many dresses–well, she should be doing that research herself.
PS Congrats to you!
Post # 15
Yeah, you’re totally right to feel that way. Just let her know in a gentle, honest way? I haven’t asked my BMs to do hardly anything. I figure it’s my wedding, and I’m planning it. I only expect them to offer help if they feel like it.
Post # 16
This is not normal. She is asking to much of you, and it is inconsiderate. I think you need to tell her you can’t help any more right now – can the other BM help? Good luck!