Is this harsh? Asking bridesmaid to be guest instead…

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh, FB, how I loath thee at times. Well written, but I suggest you meet with her and say all of this. It ought to go over better in person as a dialogue than in writing. You’ve already had one misinterpretation via FB and that was just one line of text. Don’t invite more misinterpretation. Speak with her in person.

EDIT: You might also consider wording it as a question and making it her decision such as: “Do you think it might be easier for you to attend the wedding as a guest, without any extra obligations?” This way you pose it to her and give her the chance to step down rather than pushing her out, see what I mean?

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 3
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If you truly value her as a friend, I would try to make it work with her as a bridesmaid. Asking for someone to step down almost always kills or severely damages the friendship. The time to consider her flaky behavior was before you asked her. Her getting flustered and running a bit late to a wedding she’s a guest at does not seem like a very good reason to kick her out of your bridal party.

I don’t see anything wrong with checking in with her and making sure that she’s still OK with the financial burdens of your wedding, however. She may step down of her own volition, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to push her out.

Post # 4
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, this is tough. The email you drafted up is fine, but if I received this, it would forever change the friendship. Also, as I play devil’s advocate here, I could imagine that your friend would feel that it is her decision to make whether or not being in your wedding would put extra stress on her. Maybe ask her about this first?

May is quite a ways from now, I wonder if you could patch things up by then? I just worry that you might end up losing a friendship over this :/

 

Post # 5
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you’re trying to save the friendship, I really would have this conversation in person, not via email. I know it’s uncomfortable and difficult, but this is one of those things that’s better off face-to-face.

One of my bridesmaids was having financial issues (only worked part time and had her hours reduced), and we went out to lunch to have a chat where I told her I loved her, and wanted her to be comfortable. That I would be ok with whatever she wanted to do about being a bridesmaid and left the ball in her court. She told me she had been saving for the occasion and everything would be fine.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how you can save a friendship and kick someone out of your bridal party at the same time. I know that I probably would be extremely hurt if one of my friends did that. I think the only way would be to approach it as “I know things are difficult right now, and I want you to enjoy yourself and not feel any stress or obligation – so what are your thoughts?” She might step down or she might not.

Best of luck – this is always a difficult situation…

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  tigergrrl2008.
Post # 6
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Warhol_Girl89:  Honestly if I received that from a friend I would think that they really did not value our friendship at all.

If you do not want to be her friend then definately send her that letter but remember that since you have friends in common the fall out may be more than just this friend.

If you truly do value her as a friend then try and work out what you are really upset about.

Is it that she assumed that she was a BM? If so that isn’t really fair because you agreed to it.

Is it because you think she was rude to you on the phone? If so then you need to get over it because you said you already sorted that out. It is unfair to hold a grudge once you have agreed to let it go.

Is it because you just don’t like this girl? If so then woman up and end the friendship.

 

Post # 7
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

I personally wouldn’t send that letter. Friendships wax and wane, and who is to say that your friendship doesn’t restrengthen throughout the year?

Good luck 🙂

Post # 8
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Look, I’m going to say this from experience….. I had to tell one of my bridesmaids to come as a guest and even though the conversation went well, the friendship is not the same and it never will be. Granted she did some things that would’ve damaged the friendship with or without a wedding in between…. but just a heads up. If you are willing to loose this friendship, then do it.

Also….. when it comes to a difficult situation like this, I would strongly suggest you call her and tell her over the phone. As beautifully written your email is, it is still impersonal. Sometimes emails can be taken the wrong way and the last thing you want is for it to damage the situation even more.

Good luck….. this isn’t easy and I lost a lot of sleep over it myself, I hope you don’t have to. 

Post # 9
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

Much better to have the conversation in person, but I’m non-confrontational too so can see why you would want to send an email. It kinda reads like “you’re fired! But I don’t want to upset you”, rather than you being concerned for her interests. Definitely phrase it as a question! And maybe shorten it up a little so it looks less like a shopping list of excuses. But don’t be surprised if she’s still upset…

Best of luck! I don’t envy the awkward situation. 

Post # 10
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

Truthfully, I understand where you’re coming from in your concerns regarding having your friend in your bridal party. Being a bridesmaid is expensive and if coming through London (an extra £10-20?) puts her off, then what’s she going to think about the hen party, bridal shower, and general costs associated with the role?

However, if I received this email, our friendship would likely never recover. The fact of the matter is that she’s getting a new job, which may pay well enough to ease her financial stress and it’s unlikely that her boyfriend will go on another festival related spending spree in the midst of your wedding. Asking her to step down at this point almost seems punitive. I would think that because of the disagreement that we’d had, you were kicking me out of your wedding party. Even if you said otherwise, the thought would linger. 

I’d personally give it some time as feathers are clearly still ruffled. If you’re still worried or she’s still expressing money woes in a month, THEN I’d sit down and ask her how she’s feeling about participating in the wedding but I wouldn’t force her out.

Post # 11
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You’re going to boot her out of your bridal party and not even bother to call her on the phone to deliver the news?

yeah… That is a friendship-ending move. 

If you’re worried about the financial burden your wedding places on her, then cover her expenses.

Post # 12
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hi OP, your letter is well written but I would do 2 things differently.  I would talk to her in person & I would ask her if she will be able to pay her way instead of telling her that she can’t.  This way she has the option of stepping down as a bridesmaid if she chooses instead of you kicking her out.

 

Post # 13
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My wedding was last year, and has someone who has been through it , unless you have some REALLLY BIgg problems with her I would just let her stay as a BM. I mean, does it effect you? will it hurt you or bring you drama? As long as you are clear to her that yo uwon’t be paying for dresses so that its’ not a huge surprise for her , i would just let her stay as a bm. whats the harm? You can talk to her in person and be like “im just letting you know that a bm is an expensive task, and that you recently told me you have financial issues. i REALLY want you to ba  bm, but just as a friend im telling you i love you even if you arent able to.” but i wouldnt kick her out

Post # 14
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Your wedding is far enough away that with proper planning this time, she could easily budget for expenses. I agree eith the PP that said to ask her if it’ll be a problem and would *like to* step down rather than telling her she needs to.

Post # 15
Member
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

The email is not a good idea.  You want her out of your wedding and then draft an email citing a number of reasons all related to this BM’s life events: new job, financial situation, distance, and then announce the one sided decision of dropping her off your wedding without even asking if she’ll be able to make it?  And instead of talking to her you want to send all this via email?  If it was me I would sense you’re just giving excuses, and very likely so will your BM.

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