Post # 1
I’ve gained a little bit of weight recently, so maybe I’m just being really insecure.
My fiance and I have a bunch of friends but there’s one friend in particular that my fiance seems to have an eye for. Whenever we hang out with my group, he always beats around the bush asking if Kacey’s coming. But if she’s not coming, he seems to lose interest in whatever is planned.
We invited friends over last night and guess who he invited first? Kacey.
Just for the hell of it, we were having a ping-pong tournament and guess who he wanted as a teammate? Kacey. He was such a show-off and it came across like he was trying to impress her. Afterwards, we ate pizza outside on the patio and she was complaining about being cold. My fiance ran inside and grabbed his favorite hoody so she could wear it.
And whenever she’s around, he’s not affectionate at all, which is unlike him.
I was thinking about talking to Kacey about this but I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable because it’s not like she’s encouraging this to happen. I know she loves the attention and has told me in the past that he was handsome but I think she’s innocent.
As for my fiance, I asked him once before in a joking manner if he had a crush on her and he told me no. But his behavior says differently. He doesn’t act this way towards anyone else and I know he’s attracted to her because her and I look similar.
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is this just an innocent crush that I should let go of? I’ve been keeping this inside for a long time and it’s really beginning to bother me.
Post # 3
First, do NOT talk to Kacey…this has ‘nothing’ to do with her 🙂
Regardless of whether it is innocent or not, or you blowing it out of proportion or not, it is something you are feeling, and those feelings need to be communicated to your SO right away. And is not asking a question of ‘do you have a crush on her?’, which provides you with an yes or no response, but it is talking about how you are feeling, and letting him respond/react to those feelings. Give concrete examples, and tell him I feel THIS when you do THAT!
In my own personal history, I found that when I was ‘jealous’, I had reason(s) to be, whether it was good/bad/indifferent. I think it is a REAL emotion, and not a ‘she is crazy’ emotion. MAYBE, just maybe, your feelings are coming out of your insecurities, but that does not mean he gets to ‘play’ on those by showing ‘interest’ in another woman.
Post # 4
@EmilyInIdaho: You aren’t blowing anything out of proportion, in fact, you seem to be handling it rationally and calmly, which is good.
But you do need to talk with him about this. Stay calm, but ask what his special interest is in her. And ask how he would feel if you took this much of a special interest in one of his friends.
The only way he’s going to become aware of his actions and how they are affecting you is to generate the same emotion in him, as in getting him to really understand how he would feel under the exact same circumstances you’re in.
Post # 6
@EmilyInIdaho: don’t talk to kacey – this isn’t her problem at all and will make things SO awkward.
don’t ask him straight out – say something like, ‘you weren’t acting like yourself last night – it felt like you were trying to impress kacey. it hurt my feelings that you chose her as your partner and then acted that way’ and see what he says etc.
asking open ended questions like that is the best way to hear what he has to say, don’t ask something that can be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’
Post # 7
I agree w. Sunfire. And if my SO chose to be partners with someone (a chick no less) who wasn’t me (if I was there – were you there?), I think I would blow a fuse.
Post # 8
@EmilyInIdaho: I don’t think your concern is coming out of nowhere. Even if it is innocent in that nobody would cross that line from having the crush into bas territory, this is hurting your feelings & it would hurt mine too.
In the meantime, I hate that you are having insecurity problems. Perhaps you could work on that by getting back into the shape you feel best at. This is not to appease your FI, but to give you the confidence that you deserve to be admired for physical reasons. I recently lost 15lbs, and I feel quite a bit better. What I feel has nothing to do with my FI being attacted to me, it’s about feel worthy of being called beautiful. You deserve to feel that way too.
Post # 9
Wow! You are a way better person than me. If DH had a crush on someone, I would have a SERIOUS issue with that!
But I probably wouldn’t talk to Kasey about it.
Post # 10
If I were you, I would stop hanging out with her ASAP. Not only is he definitely behaving like he is into her but he is also being rude to you by making it so obvious. Nip it in the bud now and let him know that it’s unacceptable behaviour.
Before anyone thinks I am being unreasonable, I know it’s normal to for husbands and wives to be attacted to other people, but as soon as they start to act on the behaviour at all, it needs to stop. It’s hurtful and it will only lead to trouble in the end.
Post # 11
Would it be considered controlling if I asked him to keep their texting and facebook messaging to a minimum?
Post # 12
@canarydiamond: Yep, I was there. She SUCKS at ping-ping so why the hell would you want to be on a team with her?
He had his shirt off while we were playing and since I was pissed off, I hit the ball as hard as I could at him and left a welt on his chest. He deserved it! lol
Post # 13
First let me say that I’m sorry that you are having to deal w this. I give you a huge amount of credit because if my SO chose another girl to be his partner ( unless I didn’t want to participate or there was a rule against couples being partners ) I would be pissed. Running inside to get A sweatshirt seems absurd , does he do stuff like thst for you or others? Not being affectionate around her is a huge red flag to me. Do they text or talk privately outside of your group activities ?
you definitely need to loose this girl and stop inviting her to your house. If she’s invited by someone else who’s planning something that’s one thing but I can’t imagine her being in my house if I was in your shoES.
As PP mentioned, sit him down and say thst his recent behavior is making you very uncomfortable and that you feel that there may be underlying reasons for his actions. I’m sure he will get defensive and it may be a difficult conversation but you can’t let this fester
Post # 14
This may sound stupid but FI’s hoodies are either on his body or my body, I don’t even know how to explain but the hoody thing would bother me the most, wasn’t there one of your jackets she could use??? But ANYWAYS this behavior is not ok, you really need to talk to him. Don’t attack him or anything just explain your feelings and how you don’t appreciate him acting this way towards another woman. He shouldn’t care if another woman isn’t going to be there, he may be friends with her but he shouldn’t be disappointed if she isn’t there. How long has he known her? Was he always like this towards her or was it just recently? If it was just recently I would straight up say him, I feel like you are acting like towards her because of my recent weight gain. Don’t let him beat around the bush, everything needs to come out when you talk to him.
Post # 15
@MrsOrange: Yeah, sometimes they text each other and talk about random stuff. And they’ll post funny stuff on each other’s walls.
@alyssaC: The hoody thing is what bothered me the most too. It was my favorite hoody of his and as stupid as it sounds, it was kinda special to me because it has his last name on the back. She took it home with her too. I want the damn thing back!
Post # 16
@EmilyInIdaho: She took it home??? Ugh that would make me so mad!! I’m sorry 🙁 all this sucks, your FI needs to get stuff figured out, he should not be doing this to you.