Post # 1
Hello Bee’s I am having a bit of a delima…… My father well he left about 2 years ago for his newly found “love” he met online . left me and my mom for his new wife he was married less than a year after he moved out and the divorce was final, was living with this new woman before the divorce was final…… I feel like I should invite him to the wedding but I really do not want him there. I am trying to be the bigger person and send an invite when the time comes….. My grandfather (my mom’s dad) is going to give me away as he has always been there for me no matter what him and my grandmother are like a 2nd set of of parents to me. Even though my father was around fo rmy childhood up until I was 18 he was forced by my mother to spend time with me. He cheated at least twice.
Should I invite him? I feel like I have to but don’t want to. If I do invite him should he give me away. I feel like my Papaw should as we has always been like a dad to me.
No they can not both give me away as my grandfather well to put it lightly does not like my father for all of the bad things he has done to my mother and myself.
Post # 3
I do think you need to invite him. I’m sure you guys had good moments and you may feel right now like he was “forced” to spend time with you by your mother in light of his recent behavior.
As for giving you away? That’s your personal choice. You have a while to go and time to think about it.
Post # 4
It’s up to you whether you want to invite him. If you two aren’t close, it may not be a big deal. If you two do have some type of relationship now (even if it’s not super close), then know that it may put a nail in that coffin.
If you invite him, you do not have to ask him to walk you down the aisle. You need to be prepared if he asks about it, but it’s perfectly reasonable to say that you’ve already made arrangments with your grandfather.
Personally, I fall into the camp that would invite a close family member even if I don’t particularly like them. I plan to do it. I realize my sister will likely say no (or ignore the invitation all together), and that’s cool. Even if she does show, I don’t really care. I just realize that the drama it will create when she realizes she’s the only one not invited is more than I want to deal with or to put the family I do like through.
Post # 5
OP, I noticed another thread that you convinced your father to pay for your pictures. I’m not really sure that I understand. You want him to pay for parts of your wedding but don’t really want to invite him?
I think you should invite him.
Post # 6
Invite him. But that doesn’t mean that you have to give him a +1 for his new girl! I also say that your grandpa should give you away, as you’ve always planned. Good luck!
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
@Ms. Martian: ditto- you can’t ask him for money and not invite him.
I know you’re not going to like this, but he’s going to want/expect to bring his wife.
Post # 8
@Ms. Martian: you must of misread something. I believe I stated i wanted him to pay for photos. He owes me something. He refuses to pay for college, asks me for money all the time, tells me I am not going to graduate, tells me he is going to take my social and open credit cards since he already ruined his own credit and my moms. Has stolen money from me in the passed, told mom it would get better when he got rid of me. there is always more to the story. I am 20 years old, full time student in a medical program.
there is always more to the story.
I am jealous of people who have good fathers who truly care about their children. mine always tried to get rid of me. told mom he regretted me and that it was my fault why they couldn’t get along. Now being around 11-12 years old when I first heard that broke my heart because I was a daddy’s girl I never forgave him for that. I am so lucky to have a grandfather who stepped in and took over. Don’t get me wrong my mom raised me practically by herself with the help of her parents. I do have family issues but who doesn’t ? I feel like a belong on a show about family issues! a step mom, step sister, and a half sister from where my father was married before he married my mom.
I call my father every week just to talk because I don’t want to have any regrets when I am 40 so I try to be the bigger person. Needless to say he use to answer my calls now its like a shot in the dark getting him to pick up. he may pick up 1 time every month and a half. they thought he had a heart attack a few months ago and his new wife called me and told me I jumped up and was going to make the 6 hour drive to see him and I was told NO! which kind of suprised me seems if you are going to take the time to call and wake me up you would want me down there right?? I am almost tired of trying to be the bigger person , mom just tells me to forget about it he will just hurt me again, my FI says the same thing.
I am sure someone is going to comment “He owes you something!?” but I come from a close family or so I thought who do things for each other no matter what.
Post # 9
I say invite him and his wife, someone has to extend an olive branch and you get to be the better person. And I think if you would like your grandfather to walk you down the aisle then go for it!
Post # 10
I think you should invite him. It sounds like you keep in enough contact with him that it may just ruin things if you don’t.
But as for who gives you away – I definitely think your grandpa should. It should be someone you see as a father figure, even if it’s not your father. You father shouldn’t get that privelege just because of a technicality.
Post # 11
I’m sorry he’s like this. 🙁
Whatever decision you make, don’t do it with the expectation that his behavior will change. Make the choice based on what YOUR priority is. Whether your first priority is avoiding regret for not inviting him in the future or reducing any pain it might cause you to see him at the wedding.
But if you invite him in the hopes that he’ll start acting right, you’re only setting yourself up for more disappointment and resentment.
Post # 12
Invite him to the ceremony at least. You don’t necessarily have to invite him to the reception.
Or just invite him to everything without expectations that he will or will not attend. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Post # 13
…. asks me for money all the time, tells me I am not going to graduate, tells me he is going to take my social and open credit cards since he already ruined his own credit and my moms. Has stolen money from me in the passed, told mom it would get better when he got rid of me.
im in the why the heck would you want to invite him group – the man sounds toxic and should not be involved in your life
Post # 14
I guess I will be the first to say it then- yes he does not owe you any of those things! And I really think it is manipulative to ask him to pay for parts of your wedding but then not invite him.
Do I think your father is a good person- hell no but no ones perfect and you know from your past together what his behaviour is like.
The choice is ultimately up to you but if you choose not to invite him be prepared that your relationship will probably end and never recover. I would invite him and his new wife to the wedding and pop them ona table with any other family from his side that you are inviting.
And yes you should choose who you like to walk you down the aisle.
Post # 15
Thank you everyone for the thoughts. I called him the other day and left him a voicemail asking if you would like to know any information on the wedding, etc. I received a facebook message saying “No, I think you have it all under control without me just like everything else. You no longer need me and I no longer need you” I am not very sure how to respond to that so I just ignored it, cried a little cry, and went back to work. I was just trying to reach out and offer to allow him to be involved, but I am tired of sticking my neck out there so to say just to have a snarky comment like that thrown back at me. For goodness sake he left no one forced him to. As for :
@eloping: you are correct the man is toxic my stomach is in knots everytime I see him because I do not know how he is going to react. After his snarky comment to me he seriously just lost 90% of his invitation now for me just to have the guts not to invite him at all…
Thank you everyone though who has understood and not jumped down my throat. As the man( if you can call him that) is in no way paying for my wedding unless he just decides to be generous. But I would rather him be nice to me mostly…..
Post # 16
“@futuretrent: that is just down right rude for him to refuse to pay for colllege. I do believe he should foot the bill for some of the wedding. I convinced mine to pay for pictures finally.”
No this was you; you can’t have him pay for parts of the wedding then not invite him. He will show up with his new wife and expect some type of involvement.