Is this just life or do we need help?

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

From my side, it’s just life.  I’ve been with my FI just over 3 years now, and we moved recently, our dog had to be put to sleep, and I just never feel like starting anything intimate.  I think you just hit that period where the honeymoon is oer, and life is full of exhausting and trying times and although you love him tons, you just dont want to get squishy.  Hopefully it comes back, or at least begins to feel normal.  Maybe others have more thoughts, but I think it’s just a 3 year slump.

Post # 3
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Ok.

I am no marriage therapist or counsellor BUT…three months is a pretty damn long time to go without sex, especially considering that you’re married and living under the same roof.

If you are both able-bodied, hectic schedules still shouldn’t be an excuse for a lack of lovemaking. I have a crazy schedule myself and so does my SO, but we still always find the time to do it, because we both still want it.

I don’t think a dry spell of 3 months is healthy for a relationship, especially when one partner wants it more than the other.

I know that if it was me in this situation, I would not be happy at all. I need sex. We as human beings need to be held, to be touched, to be made love to by our spouse. And when that suddenly stops happening, it can leave us feeling incredibly lonely and frustrated inside.

I do think that this is something that could seriously damage your relationship if it isn’t addressed. Yes, everyone gets tired sometimes but to completely go without it for three months? That’s a bit much.

I definitely think you need to communicate all of this to him and let him know that your needs are not being met in the marriage.

Post # 4
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

We were going through a bit of a dry spell and what we found helped was not to wait until bedtime – if you get home before he does, jump him when he walks through the door, or if he gets home first then grab him as soon as you get home.  Once you’ve had fun times then have dinner, do homework, whatever.

Post # 5
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I think it’s life– you get busy and tired and into the habit of not doing it. But you can easily get back into the habit! I think it’s like exercise and at some point you just have to go for it, even when you don’t much feel like it. 

You’ll be surprised how easy it is to get back into the swing of things. But you do have to carve out the time. Do it BEFORE your date on Friday, for example. Just schedule it and stick to it!

Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

They say that a lack of sex is only an issue if one person isn’t happy with the frequency. If neither of you want/need sex (and your relationship is otherwise pretty good), it shouldn’t be a problem. 

Life is pretty hectic but I think you need to set aside a time for intimacy (as corny as that sounds). Only way you will get back into the swing of things I think. 

Post # 7
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

amoret11:  It’s a long time. It’s good you are having these discussions but you both sound exhausted. Instead of going out to dinner (and passing out after) just have a Sex-Saturday (!) Just don’t do anything except touch each other, no other responsibilites, and get caught up on everything you’ve been missing out on. 

Are your weekends busy too?

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

amoret11:  Give yourself a challenge where you have a planned night for doing the deed one day per week.  Come rain or shine or stess or tiredness, you both agree to do the deed that day.  Maybe get up an extra 10-15 minutes early in the morning or make sure to get it done first thing when you get home.  Or spend a lazy Sunday in bed.  Trying to get it done at bedtime is a bad idea because you’re both tired and ready to go to sleep so it’s easier to choose sleep.  Sometimes you just have to make it a priority instead of an option.

Post # 9
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Its life getting in the way. Maybe plan a weekend getaway to a B&B to reconnect as a couple and relax.

Post # 10
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I agree that you need to make it a priority. Initmacy is a vital part of a relationship (in my opinion). You might need to do it BEFORE going out on date night. Or tell him it’s really important to you that you guys have some “quality time” before going to sleep after the date. Also, try for different times, during the day perhaps or just upon waking…

Just make it a priority. Relationships need nuturing, not neglect. I’m not saying you are currently neglecting your relationship as a whole, but it starts in one area and can seep into others if not careful.  

Post # 11
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

It’s life getting in the way, and IMO it’s not a problem until one of you gets bothered by this (which is the case). Sometimes FI and I can go weeks without sex. This winter we went almost 2 months without. I lost my grandmother, I had to finish a contract in a rush during the Holidays, he got sick, I got sick too, then he was in a rush with his own studies, etc. Frankly, I had no interest for sex whatsoever, and neither did he at that moment, so although we were abstinent, it didn’t bother any of us. However, we took a weekend away because we felt we needed to reconnect after all this, and it was great, both for our mental health (taking 2 days off just to relax) and for our intimate life. 

In all due respect, I disagree with people who said to choose a night and do it no matter what – I’ve been there with my ex and honestly, I felt it was so mechanical and forced upon me, and I can’t enjoy sex when I feel it’s not genuine. It’s my personal experience, maybe it can work for other people, but that wouldn’t be my first option because it wasn’t ”healthy” for me to proceed that way. It made sex a chore and I had enough chores to worry about already. 

Post # 12
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Going against the grain, I find 3 months to be a very long time to go without sex if neither partner has health problems. I don’t think it’s normal for two young, recently married, attractive and attracted to each other people not to have sex for 3 months.

In the spirit of full disclosure, in a recent post about sex drive I posted “I’m horny as hell!” so take away from my posting what you will. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Blue Horse Farm

I definitely think there are ways to increase the amount of sex you are having.  I think it’s easy to let a hectic schedule, tired, etc. become excuses but there really are ways to work around it.

My FI and I have been together for 4 years – living together 3.5 and the longest we have gone without sex is about a week.  We both have really busy schedules – I work full-time, coach volleyball twice a week and almost every weekend, and am planning a wedding.  He works, long, tiring hours on his feet.  We literally have been having sex almost every day.  Even when I was in college and working full-time we would have sex frequently.

What I’ve found helps is not waiting until bed to have sex.  Usually by bed with crazy schedules and stress, etc. we are just too tired and fall asleep.  We usually initiate it when we get home and then make dinner and go about our other things we need to get done.  We also use weekend mornings as an opportunity when we are both there. 

I also think if you are not satisfied with the amount of sex you are having you should try initiating.  The only way you are going to have the sex you want is if you make it happen.  Once you do this a few times he should get back in the mood.  The more sex you have the more you want it, but someone has to start it and you seem to be the one more bothered by your frequency so I would suggest you starting things back up again.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  MissGatitas. Reason: Typos!
Post # 14
Member
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

DH and I have been together for 24 yrs and we still have sex 1-2 times a week.  3 months without doesn’t seem normal to me if you’re in love, healthy and live together.  I know that hectic schedules can be devastating for intimacy, but you must to steal the time if you need to.  Make a date for intimacy, try to shower together, touch and tease each other frequently and like PP suggested, don’t wait until bedtime, use any part of the day available, and if there’s no time, make time.

Post # 15
Member
6274 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my friends’ parents have been married 40 years and have “need it or not night”.  they have sex once a week.

i think you can find time.  it doesn’t take long, what about if you surprise him when he walks in the door from work with a quickie before dinner.

 

 

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