IS This like he is CHEATING?? Please Please Help!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
8388 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

How do I NOT look crazy and insecure, but explain to my man that it is not ok to have all these close relationships with women??

@TexasTheta90:   I don’t think it’s possible.  While it is okay to set boundaries/expectations, the fact that you would deny your SO the opportunity to be friends with someone purely based on that person’s sex is a bit controlling.  Maybe try some couples counseling to help you build trust so that you’ll be more comfortable in the relationship, plus I think it’s very important that he understands how his behavior could be viewed by these other women.  Best of luck.

Post # 5
9019 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

My gut reaction is that he isn’t really being a “nice guy” or naive when it comes to other women.  I think he knows exactly how attractive he is to women and he encourages their attention because it strokes his ego.  And I think it’s as simple as that.  It seems as though he cares more about having his ego stroked by strangers or friends than he cares about stopping doing something that so obviously upsets you.  I don’t think you’re going to be able to get him to stop doing anything with regard to other women.  If he hasn’t stopped yet he’ll only get better at going underground with it.

What he’s doing is not really cheating but, if I were you, I’d wake up to the possibilty that he isn’t the naive person in this situation, you are.  If you know you’re an overly jealous person you need to learn some healthier ways of dealing with your jealousy.  If you accuse someone constantly of doing something wrong (like cheating), sooner or later this will become a self-fulfilling prophechy.

My advice is work on your self-confidence and self-esteem.  If this man is making you feel insecure then you need to step back and wonder why.  If he’s just being innocently friendly to people, male and female alike, then you need to let him be how he is without feeling threatened.  If you feel threatened and honestly feel you have a reason to, ask yourself if you really want to live with this behavior from him long term.  Because, most likely, that’s what you’re going to be faced with.

You can’t change him, you can only change the way you react to him.

Post # 6
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m going to agree with a PP and say therapy. You to help manage your jealousy and as a couple to work through this issue.

Post # 7
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@TexasTheta90:  Okay, first off, a woman can’t “force” herself onto your fiancé. If he ever cheats, it’s because he has chosen to do so.

Second, when someone has a romantic or sexual interest in another, that is not a friendship – that is one person pursuing another and perhaps the pursued person enjoying it. If that person is in a relationship, it’s up to them to shut it down and put a stop to it. 

Not sure I’m buying that your FI is just such a nice guy that he can’t see that his “friend’s” actions are inappropriate and very disrespectful to you. Shouldn’t he be nice to you first?

I do think you need to chill a little and not freak out over every interaction he has with a woman provided his behavior/response is appropriate. Meaning, if someone comes on to him or seems likely too, he needs to shut it down. 

Post # 8
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Issue #1…Firstly, you can’t blame him if the girl initiates communication with him, it’d be different if he started texting her first.  I wouldn’t say “he slipped up” and told you about it when he was supposed to tell you about it (the terms agreed to in your talk). It’s apparent that he knows you’re uncomfortable with her texting him, so I’d just tell him the next time she texts him, he needs to tell her that out of respect for you, she should not contact him anymore.

Issue #2…Honestly, I wouldn’t be worried about some 60 year old professor.  Unless the emails she sends are of a sexual nature, I wouldn’t say anything about it.  Maybe she does look at him like a son, maybe she’s a little star struck or genuinely cares about how his life is going and just wants to keep in contact with him.  Maybe she’s lonely and it gives her something to talk about to all her friends while their out getting their hair done or something.  Unless he has a problem with her e-mailing him, I wouldn’t say anything about it. 

Post # 10
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Sunfire:  +1

I know this might sound harsh but when you date a pro athlete, it comes with the territory.   And, Sunfire is right.  You can either learn to deal with it or decide that this relationship isn’t for you.


Post # 11
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

To me, it sounds like you don’t trust him, and based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like there’s any reason not to. I find it ridiculous to say he can’t be friends with any women who are single, but I do understand why you’re uncomfortable with women he has been involved with in the past contacting him. 

Honestly, this seems like your issue more than his issue. He’s not going out of his way to contact these women – he’s being polite and friendly in response, which in my opinion, is fine and appropriate. My SO has female friends and it doesn’t bother me at all, because I trust him and I KNOW that he would never cheat on me. 

You’ve admitted you have issues with jealousy/cheating because of your family background, and while your FI should be sensitive to that, YOU need to try and get over these issues on your own. As PPs have said, I think therapy to work through your jealousy and control issues would be a great idea. 

Post # 14
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Sunfire:  +10000000000 hell and +1 more because she hit the nail on the head.

I had the “nice guy” ex that was word-for-word what you are describing.  Guess what?  He wasn’t a nice guy.  He was manipulative and very smart and knew exactly how to use that nice guy image to his advantage for ego strokes and attention.   

My FI is a nice guy and you know what?  He knows when a woman is starting to cross a line with him and he politely and firmly tells her that he’s engaged.  I’ve seen him do it when he thought I was in another room so I know he’s the real deal.  THAT’S A NICE GUY.

You gotta bone up on your self-esteem and tell this guy what you expect from him in regards to inappropriate relationships.  Having a female friend is not an issue – but playing stupid so that female friend acts a certain way around him is an issue.  The problem is – you said you have talked about this over and over again – I did the same thing.  After a few talks… won’t make a difference and he’ll think talking will just pacify you until the next “talk”  Lay it out for him and tell him you’re gone if shit doesn’t change.


Good luck to you.


Post # 16
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TexasTheta90: You can’t force him to cut contact with people.  You can let him know your feelings and preferences, but after that it’s up to him.  If he wants to maintain contact with people from his past, that’s his right to do so, but you don’t have to deal with it.  If that’s not a trait you want in a man, then maybe he’s not the right one for you. 




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