Post # 1
Hi bees 🙂
i just wanted to put this out to see if others have felt the same..
so my boyfriend and I have spoken really seriously about our future and we both know we want to get married, that was all fine and now he’s told me that he’s definitely going to propose this year, he says he knows how and where and everything! Sounds great! And I should be over the moon but I’m honestly terrified!! Is this normal??
iv been kinda waiting for it and he kind of unofficially asked me to marry him and I was happy but now it’s getting real and I’m just scared when I should be delighted..is something wrong with me?
Post # 3
@ForeverbluexX: No, I don’t think anything is wrong with you. When I think about my SO proposing (like if I think, oh my, he really is doing it this year, he might do it on our vacation!) — like, really think about it– I get kind of freaked out. I’ve worried about this too, but for me (I’ve been wanting it to happen for a couple years) I figure it’s just anxiety about such a big life change and such a big commitment, even though I am 100% sure it’s what I want.
Are you 100% sure that marrying your SO and being together for the rest of your lives is what you want? It sounds like you probably are, but it might not hurt to give it some thought. It took me a long time to get to the 100% feeling. Even when I was obsessing over wanting to get engaged, for a while, I wasn’t 100% sure, and the idea of it really happening freaked me out far more than it does now.
Perhaps you just need a little more time to get used to the reality of it being in your near future? I imagine a lot of people here might say that if you’re that scared, maybe you aren’t ready, but it sounds to me like you are ready, it’s just a really big thing and, heck, it IS scary to think about no matter how much you love someone! No wonder it takes guys a long time to be able to propose– because they have to ask the question, they have to go through all of this emotional stuff and push themselves through it and be ready, rather than dealing with it more passively, as women waiting to be proposed to do.
I think you are normal. Don’t worry– just think over why you might be feeling this way. One book that I found helpful with the anxiety and weird, not-so-good feelings about the coming life-change, is The Conscious Bride. Another Bee recommended it to me, and it was definitely helpful in seeing where some of the weird, uncomfortable feelings were coming from, and reassuring me that they are TOTALLY OK! The book is super cheap used on Alibris or Amazon.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
I was wondering about starting a thread that’s *kind of* similar to this 🙂
Mid-January I initiated a conversation with Boyfriend or Best Friend kind of asking him if engagement was a possibility at some point. He went all cuddly, told me it “hadn’t completely slipped his mind”, and he has a “plan”. I assumed that such a response would have made me come over all giddy at the very least, I mean, I brought it up, it’s what I want right? What actually happened was that my heart dropped and my first thoughts were “oh God” and “it’s real”.
Fast forward to now and I’ve been desperately searching for a *proper* job, or at least an alternative job to my current one that’s located near Boyfriend or Best Friend so I can move to live with him. Yesterday I got a job, and I cried – I’m still terribly nervous and weepy. He, however, seems as excited as can be.
Anyway! My point is that you are not abnormal! (And it’s nice to have evidence that I’m not either lol). These are big things – massive even. They are lifechanging and that is scary, and you can’t know what it’s truly going to be like unitl you’re living it and the uncertainly is terrifying. Humans didn’t evolve to love the unknown – that’d be dangerous.
I think your reaction is fine, but some soul searching might benefit 🙂 and I wish you the best for the future x
Post # 5
@MaidMarian: Oh, you sound like me when I moved to live with my SO. I’d been living at his house on weekends for a year before actually moving there, so you’d think that when I finally found a job and could move there, I would have been very happy– but instead I was super sad to leave my parents’ house and really move out for good. It was hard, and my SO made a very nice dinner the night I moved in, and he was happy, but I was really sad and weird feeling. It went away after a little while, but the first bit of moving in with him was hard– and not because it wasn’t the right thing to do, but because it was such a huge life change.
Post # 6
@ForeverbluexX: I’ve seen quite a few posts like this from bees, so I wouldn’t worry… huge steps make a lot of people anxious.
I can’t say I’m experiencing it myself, but it might be because SO and I have kind of already built a life together – living together, sharing bills, taking care of a dog, etc – and have been for 3 years. So, while getting married is still a huge deal, it doesn’t seem all that different.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2017 - Baton Rouge, LA
I know how you feel. My SO and I have had the same talks… proposal coming this year, hes got it all planned yadda yadda. Extremelyyy exciting! But its nervewracking to me as well.
What i think the difference is, a marriage (to me) is permanent. There’s no backing out, no calling it quits at the drop of a hat. It’s like there’s more pressure to make it work than when youre just dating. My SO and I have been together 8 & a half years. We’ve been living together for 14 months now. I KNOW he is my soulmate, and no matter what, I would never leave him. We love each other unconditionally. So, that being said, I think its normal to kind of freak a bit about the future.
Post # 8
Thank you all for your replies 🙂
it’s actually a relief to know I’m not the only one feeling anxious!
a few months ago I was so excited that we were discussing our future and he was heavily hinting that a proposal was on the cards and I was clear when I told him I really didn’t want it to be a complete surprise (I dont handle shock well lol) ..he told me that he’d let me know roughly when ..so i was happy and I let him do his thing and never really brought it up again but today when he told me the plan was for this year I had a mini meltdown and totally panicked!
I really do want to be with him forever, he’s my best friend so I just dont know where this panic came from x
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
@Creiddylad: Oh thank you so so much. Your story helps loads. I’ve stayed with him for varying lengths of time throughout the relationship and it’s what we’ve been aiming for for nearly a year. I just feel *so* sad. Mum is my best friend and I won’t deny that I feel kind of guilty from being brought up Christian, I also just really love my life here.
I know it’s the right thing, I really do. But it’s hard and I know I’ll cry. I thinks it’s worse because he’s excited, it makes me feel like a freak lol. But nothing is changing for him really, so why would he worry :/
Thank you again xx
Post # 10
@MaidMarian: You’re welcome. 🙂
Exactly, nothing is changing for him except for the better– you’ll be there all the time! Whereas for you, you have to leave behind your childhood home/living with your mom, and doing that is SO HARD. But I’m sure you’ll be very happy living with your SO once you get accustomed to it– it takes a little while, but it is really fun seeing one’s man all the time instead of just for a few days at a time.
I’m sure your mom will be sad too– do make sure you arrange to do things with her, and tell her you want to spend time with her even though you are moving out. Daughters moving away is hard on our mothers too (ugh, it sucks). As long as she knows you are doing what you need to, to be happy, and you make sure the two of you still spend time together, both you and your mom will have an easier time of it with the transition.
I think it’s important to calmly explain to your man that, even though you are so happy to be able to live with him now, you are having some difficult emotions with leaving your mom’s house and moving to somewhere different, and you’ll get over it but right now it’s kind of hard. I’m sure he’ll be understanding (even if he doesn’t actually get it. . . my SO didn’t really get it but he was still supportive and nice about it).
Actually, since I went through what you’re going through right now– if you ever want to PM me for advice and/or commiseration, go right ahead! 🙂
Post # 11
@ForeverbluexX: Well I hope it’s normal cause I’ve totally felt like that too! I absolutely want to spend the rest of my life with my SO. For various reasons, i thought it was going to happen on Valentine’s Day. He had been talking about how he WASN’T into V-day (even though he’s super romantic) so I thought he was trying to throw me off. Then my dad contacted me TWICE on V-day to see what our plans were and tell me how happy he is I found such a great guy. Um. What? I became convinced it was going to happen and totallly flipped out! I was so scared! I don’t even know why.
Post # 12
@ForeverbluexX: I’d think it were *abnormal* if you had zero anxiety about it. When you make a really huge, life-changing step/decision, you’re bound to feel a little antsy or nervous.
Post # 13
I’d ask yourself if you’re nervous because you don’t think he’s the right guy, or if you’re nervous because it’s a big decision and a special moment that every girl has dreamed about for years?
When I was a kid, I got anxious when i was going to see Nsync, but it was because I was excited, not that I didn’t want to do it! (lol weird analogy)
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I can relate as well, I know a proposal is in my near future – likely the next 2 months! Most of the time I am happy, excited, and thrilled but when I think about it actually happening I have had times of anxiety too. I find myself thinking about all the what if questions or when will happen? It’s a major life change! Plus the planning of a wedding, logistics of money and moving in together (we live apart now), etc.. all a lot to think about and even though I know it will all work out it’s a lot if change and would cause anxiety for anyone.
As for moving out after living with Mom, I know how hard that is too. For me I was moving out and 400 miles away to live on my own. It was very hard on my Mom. We planned visits and talked a lot which helped. I utimatley loved my time living out there on my own. I now live only 80 miles from my parents and most family, SO’s family is also about the same distace away since we grew up practically in neighboring towns but met now living away from where we both grew up and went to school. In some ways it becomes nice to have that distance though I think SO thinks this more than I do! We still have regular visits with both our families but have our own life together too. After awhile it just becomes natural and a wonderful time in your life.