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I'm currently a bridesmaid in a wedding while trying to save money and plan for my own (along with being a student). I am having a hard time dealing with the bride for the upcoming wedding as I feel like she is being insensitive and rude so I was wondering if anyone could help me to figure out what's to be expected.
1. She is having a stag and doe party and of course the wedding party is all required to work that night. She also informed us that she wants us all to pay for the prizes for the games and pay for the food for the other guests. Am I required to do this? We are already spending so much money on all these other plans that she has and to have to pay for her party as a way for her to raise money seems a little unfair. She also wants us to have to pay for our own tickets to go to the stag and doe even though we are booking time off of work to work the event for her. Do I have any right to speak up here or is she entitled to make us pay for everything because she's the bride?
2. As I mentioned we are all spending thousands of dollars to be in her wedding by the time it's over as she has multiple parties planned and she told the bridesmaids that we need to attend all 3 of her bridal showers (including buying her gifts for each one?!?) So I assumed that there would be some type of thank you to the wedding party for putting in so much time and money to be part of her wedding. Every wedding I have ever been part of, the wedding party has been invited to the rehearsal dinner. However, we are expected to take part in the rehearsal but she has told the wedding party that she doesn't want us to be at the rehearsal dinner. Is this normal? I just feel like it would be a nice way to thank us for everything and am a little confused as to why we would be expected to take the night off work to be at the rehearsal yet not be included in the dinner.
Any help would really be appreciated because I don't know how to deal with this situation!
I can't really comment on #1 because I'm not familiar with stag and doe protocol but I thought the PURPOSE of a rehearsal dinner was to thank and feed the bridal party? That's definitely not normal.
This bride is being very selfish. It is tradition for the bridal party to give and pay for one shower/bachlorette party. It is also tradition that the bridal party be at the rehearsal dinner. It is tradition for the bride or groom's parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal is so that everyone can get together one last time to rehearse and also for the gifts to the bridal party and parents to be given.
I am sorry, but if I were you, I would have a serious talk with this bride; she is way out of line. If the talk doesn't work, I would probably step down from being in her wedding.
whoa...craziness. every time ive been in a wedding, all i was expected to pay for was my dress and shoes. if i needed to travel to attend, i paid for airfare and hotel. the bride doesnt dictate to the bridal party the showers/bach party that they must throw. its nice if you can, but you are definitely not required. im not familar with 'stag and doe' but if you are throwing it, why would you be expected to buy a ticket and a gift? i think you need to sit her down and have a talk about her expectations. she's out of line. weddings are not bonanzas for the couple. 3 shower gifts, plus fundraising, plus wedding gift? how disgusting.
I really don't know what a stag and doe is either.
But JeniRae is right. The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to thank and feed the wedding party after the rehearsal. Who is she going to have there instead? Strange.
Also, DEMANDING that you come to three bridal showers with gifts is quite excessive.
Wow. I'm a destination bride and I know that most of the members of my bridal party are fresh out of college and not making tons of money. Since they're already paying a lot to be in the wedding and we're even getting bachelor/bachelorette parties, I decided to forgo a shower and we will instead host a joint luncheon (no gifts) for our family and bridal party. I think brides should be more considerate of their bridal party!
I don't know if there's a normal when it comes to weddings, but I can tell you that her expectations of you all are TOTALLY out of whack. She's just being inconsiderate and rude. The amount of money she's asking you all to put up, the fact that she TOLD you to come to her showers AND bring her gifts....WHAT?! I've told my entire bridal party that gifts are totally unnecessary given the amount they're spending to be with me for the wedding. They'll probably get me a little something anyway, but that's just because they're sweet. It is NEVER ok to tell someone to get you a present. As far as the rehearsal dinner....NOT OK. Just not. The point of the rehearsal dinner is to thank and honor your family and the bridal party--she's entirely missing the point and very likely losing friends in the process. I'm so sorry!
No, it isn't normal, and she is asking for too much. It is one thing to attend every shower, it is another to demand a gift at each. And not inviting you all to the rehearsal dinner? That is really odd, pretty rude in fact. If she weren't having one, that is one thing, but come on!
How do you know the bride? Do you know any other BMs?
Thanks for the info everyone! At least I know I'm not crazy thinking this was wrong before lol.
A stag and doe is a party that the couple usually holds to try and raise money for their wedding. It's fairly popular in Ontario but not everyone does it. They book a venue and sell tickets for $10 each and then sell alcohol (for a very inflated price) along with 50/50 tickets and other games that cost money in an attempt to make a profit. I don't have a problem with working at this party by either selling raffle tickets or running a game, I just don't understand why I would be expected to buy everything for it as it's normally the couple who pays for everything (as they will be the ones benefitting from it) and the wedding party simply helps them run it.
I'll try to talk to her about it, because I really can't afford to be spending this much money in addition to the dress, shoes, hair, makeup, mani/pedi day she wants, hotel sleepover she wants, another random party, in addition to the 3 showers lol. I have to save for my own wedding too!
does anyone have any ideas of how to approach the conversation? I really don't want to make her really angry or upset, I just don't feel like it's a fair situation and I'd prefer if we could work something else out.
Demanding anything seems a little ridiculous . . . She sounds like everything I am trying to avoid as a bride.
@monitajb I met her through a large group of friends that we have in common, but we aren't very close so I was really surprised when she asked me to be in the wedding party. I never had a problem with her so I said yes to avoid making the situation really awkward for our whole group. I don't know any of the other bridesmaids either so I can't discuss the situation with them unfortunately.
How much do you value your friendship with her? Would you be bummed if she kicked you out of her wedding?
You're in a precarious position. Your friend sounds like a bridezilla. And she sounds rather selfish and greedy. (Honestly... she doesn't sounds like much of a friend to have). She really needs someone to tell her the truth, but I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she turned on that person in retaliation.
Has the rest of the bridal party discussed this privately? Maybe if you all (or a bunch of you) sit down and talk with her, she'll listen.
My personal opinions on the matter?
1) I think the stag and doe party sounds tacky. I think any attempt to try to get your wedding guests to pay for your wedding is tacky. You should have a wedding YOU can actually afford. After all, a wedding is about marrying your partner. Not about throwing the most lavish party you possibly can.
2) Etiquette experts (including Emily Post - maybe you should buy the bride her book) agree that if you are invited to multiple showers, you only need to buy one gift. In fact, you really only need to attend one shower. Are you guys paying for all three of the showers?
3) The whole point of the rehearsal dinner is for the bride and groom's wedding party, parents and officiant (and anyone else integral to the ceremony) to have a small celebration after rehearsing. The bride and groom typically thank their bridal party and their parents, and pass out gifts to them. And the bridal party and parents often give little toasts and/or speeches to the bride and groom.
If it were me, I'd sit down with her and tactfully but frankly clear the air. And if that led to her kicking me out of her bridal party, I'd probably be happier that I no longer had to be her brideslave. Really, who needs greedy, selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate friends like that?
Wow that sucks. How is it that you are spending so much money? That's crazy. I'm feel weird having my girls spend so much on me so I'm just asking that they pay for their attire and even then I'm trying to find BMs dresses no more than $100-120. I know it can be such a burden for some people especially with the economy and all. I'm also offering to pay for their make-up and hotel the night before. I only hope they do not get outrageous during their weddings!
I think it's inappropriate.
I know what a stag and doe is and I was in a wedding a couple years ago where the bride & groom had one. The bridal party was expected to work at the stag & doe (selling raffle tickets, work the bar etc.) and if we had contacts it was appreciated if they could help donate prizes, but we were in no way expected to buy the prizes or pay for the food for the guests. I think that is crazy.
we worked the party and partied while we worked, no one minded it too much.
Oh and we were all invited to the rehearsal party. I agree with others, that is a time to thank your nearest and dearest for all their help and support.
I know how you feel because I've been in a similar situation. Fortunately for me, the bride is not really a close friend so I told her I'm only attending 1 of the 3 "money grabbing" events that she was having (Ok... I didn't quite say it that way... I was a little more polite :)).
If she doesn't understand then, she's not a good friend!
Good luck!!!
Ok, let me get this right:
Bridal party costs + travel costs + Stag and doe costs + shower gift 1 + shower gift 2 + shower gift 3...
To me, and I'm just estimating these costs very roughly, it would seem that not only is she greedy, but you'd be spending nearly 2000 (at least!) to do all these things. I fail to see how anything past BP costs, travel costs and shower gift 1 are your responsibilities.
I'd just tell her that paying for the Stag and Doe is usually done by the couple, that you can't afford multiple shower gifts and that you really hope she understands. If she says something mean or kicks you out... well, who cares? At least you're out of that horrible situation!
Thanks for the clarification on the "Stag and Doe" party, as I had never heard of one and had no clue what it was.
With all due respect to the people of Ontario, the "Stag and Doe" party is without a doubt the tackiest thing I've ever heard of in my life. I'm sorry, but it is NOT your friends' responsibilities to pay for your wedding. I would NEVER attend one, or "work" one. Ever. Ever. Ever. I can't even wrap my brain around how obscene the concept of it all is.
That said, the bride you are referring to is not normal. Having been MOH and a bridesmaid several times, the only financial responsibilities I had were as follows: my bridesmaid dress/alterations, shoes, accessories, hair, bridal shower, bridal shower gift, bachelorette party, and wedding gift. And I agree that the bridal party should most definitely be at the rehearsal dinner- who ELSE would you have there instead?
I NEVER heard of anything like this! I have a few bridesmaids and am paying for each of their dresses (which will be hip and black and fabulous, but not really expensive). Whatever we decide to do ultimately about hair and make-up, I will work out with them. As for parties, I would never incur those kinds of expenses on anyone I love (family) or friends (whom I also love, but differently)! That's an outrage, and I think you should graciously bow out of being in the wedding party. By telling the truth. The simple truth about how burdensome the cost is. That's enough of an explanation; you don't even have to go into how ungracious and unkind she is. Being in her wedding party is no longer an honor. It's a hellish burden. Plus, you're a student. The nerve!
I think that it doesn't matter what traditions are or are not. What matters is that everybody should be comfortable doing what she is asked to do. That is, BOTH the bride and the BMs. In fact, brides ask their best friends because they are the ones who are supposed to be similar to them and more helpful.
I totally understand your stress. If things don't go in a more comfortable way for you, if I were you I would pull out of the bridal party.
Personally, I understand being worked up about her behaviour more than I am understanding of the money issues. I know everybody gets upset over money nowadays but this stuff wouldn't stop me if I thought that doing as asked would make my friend happy AND I didn't mind behaving or dressing in a certain way.
That's why it's so important to carefully pick the right BM for the situation.
I think your friend checked her rational mind at the door and she has extreme demands. You agreed to be her bridesmaid, not an employee.
Explain to her that you have a lot on your plate right now what with your own wedding, etc. and that you'll be able to contribute X amount because that's all you can afford (both $$ and time wise). If she loses her biscuits over it - then let her & let it go, she doesn't sound like a very good friend.
Um, she is what I'd like to call OOC- out of control lol. I can't imagine making all my friends do that much for me, that's ridiculous.
Thanks everyone for all of your advice! I was worried I was overreacting, but I definitely agree that she's being unreasonable and selfish. If it was a normal wedding commitment I wouldn't mind paying for the normal things...but my fiance is also in the wedding party, meaning that by the time it's over we will probably have spent at least $4000 combined and neither of us (nor anyone I know actually) can afford that! The entire wedding party didn't want to be part of a stag and doe either but she really wanted one so we don't really have any choice anymore.
I'm really regretting agreeing to be in the wedding at this point and it's obvious other people are too as two groomsmen and three!!! bridesmaids have already dropped out and been replaced so I don't think it's about who she has anymore, it's just a person standing there to her at this point. I've been perfectly nice and helpful and have gone out of my way to do everything I can for her but obviously that's not enough so I think if when I talk to her she doesn't take it well and wants me out of the wedding, well so be it. I've already paid for my dress (which cost $400 btw even though we all argued with her, when her own wedding dress only cost $500!!!) but at this point her dropping me would save me thousands so maybe that would be a good thing.
Thanks again everyone, it really helps to have other peoples perspectives on the situation!
The best thing for you to do is RUN from this bride. Not only is she selfish she is obviously trying to take advantage of anyone she can. I can't imagine you would care about losing her "friendship". Sorry, but she sounds horrible.
Holy moly! FIVE members of the wedding party have already bailed?!?!? Can't say that I blame them, as this chick sounds a bit crazy, but wow. You would think that would be a sign to her that somethings not right. I'd drop out of the party ASAP, and take your FI with you!
Um, WOW! She sounds a bit nuts to be quite frank. You should most certainly be invited to the rehearsal dinner - that's the whole point!!
How much do you value her friendship? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'd drop out of that bridal party ASAP!
She needs to get hit upside the head with a clue by four. Seriously, what has made her believe this is an acceptable burden to put on your bridal party?
It's no wonder other people have dropped out. Tell her you can't make all the commitments (whether you want to say you're busy, tell her she's expecting too much from you financially, or flat-out let her know she's going too far). If she kicks you out, all the better for you.
If no one wants to do the stag and doe party, you should all stand up to her and say you are willing to work at it but not to pay for it. If she really wants it that badly then she'll have to pay herself. Same with the showers, if she really wants them, she can have the present of your presence, and no gifts since you're already paying for the hotel and your attire etc. If everyone says this maybe she'll have a reality check and just choose the one event that matters most to her. Because what you have described is really absurdly over the top. You can ask people to attend that many events but not to pony up for them. I'm not even going to touch the rudeness of uninviting you to the rehearsal dinner, which is supposed to be for the people closest to you ie your bridal party.
ps if it's not already in the wiki, could you add the stag and doe party? I had never heard of it either, thought it was like a hen party.
If I were you there would be no way I could afford to be a part of that wedding. I would have had to drop out after she asked me to buy the dress! $400 for a bridesmaids dress is pretty out of control. If I were you, I wouldn't spend any more money on her or her wedding. You have to draw the line somewhere.
Let me guess--she has (or had, before 5(!!) dropped out) a HUGE bridal party. It sounds like you weren't close friends with her to begin with and were surprised to be asked, so I'm thinking she's just trying to extort as many people as possible by asking them to be in the wedding. WOW. And I love that she's replacing the drop-outs rather than trying to figure out why people are dropping like flies. Run, run, run from this disaster. Perhaps you can sell the dress to get back at least some of the $400(!!!!!!). Not that it would help, but I'd tell her why you're leaving. Politely, of course, although it sounds like she doesn't really "get" manners :) Maybe it will eventually dawn on her that treating your friends as bank machines is totally unacceptable.
FIVE people have already dropped out of this thing?!?! Now I understand why you thought it was strange she asked you. It's entirely possible that you replaced someone else who dropped out before you.
It sounds to me as if she not only needs bodies standing there... she's just using other people to pay for what she wants for her own wedding.
Five people already bailed?! How has this bride not taken that as a huge sign that maybe her behavior is a bit ridiculous? What does she need- a building to fall on her?
If five people already bailed (and she shockingly was able to replace them), then what's one more? :)
I would bail right now!
This bride is completely delusional!!! A wedding should be a celebration of love and just because she is the bride does NOT give her the right to order you around and treat you this way!!! She does not sound like the kind of friend I'd ever want to have!
Honestly, at this point I don't consider her a friend anymore. We don't even talk unless she is asking me for something. The only reason I havent' backed out is because my fiance is good friends with the groom and I didn't want to make things difficult for him. She's not a friend though, she wasn't even excited for me when I announced my engagement even though I was really excited and happy (and told her so) about hers. She just said "I hope this doesn't interfere with my wedding planning" which should've been a huge red flag to me right then but she laughed it off so I almost believed she was joking.
The next time I see her I'll make sure to take her aside and discuss this though because it is completely out of control now and I refuse to spend anymore money on her wedding.
I wonder how much input the groom has had in all this. Is it possible that he doesn't realize just how much everything is costing? Or is he as delusional as the bride? I only ask because I can see your point about how it might be hard for you to drop out if your own fiance remains in. Can your fiance talk to the groom and fill him in on what's going on? Not in a "hey you're fiance's gone all wonky bridezilla" way, but just to let him know that you guys are trying to save for your own wedding and have school to deal with. It's possible the groom is just utterly clueless about how much this all costs, or it's possible that he's aware of it but if he's called on it by his own friend (your fiance) he may feel embarrassed enough to reign her in a bit. If that fails, I still think you have every right in the world to drop out! And do it quick, before everyone else drops out first! :)
my FI and i are reading this right now and we both say- thats insane, drop out.. you can sell that dress and make some money back...
I only read original post but the bride sounds outrageously insensitive. I feel terrrible for making my bridesmaids buy their own dresses which I worked a discount on with the bridal shop. I thought the rehearsal dinner purpose was to thank the bridal party. If I were you I'd have a conversation with the bride and let her know that her demands are not the protocol for weddings.
I hate having the girls buy their dresses...I can't imagine making them pay for all that as well. It's just crazy! Tell her you'll only pay for the true BP costs and nothing else (nicely, of course)!
Ok this girl is crazy!!!!!
I am from Ontario too and I don't like the idea of stag and does in general and will not be having one but I obviously know they are popular here in certain circles. None of my close friends have had one or is planning on having one!
However, I do know that the wedding party is NOT supposed to pay for the stag and doe! The bride and groom pay for the party as they will recuperate all costs and earn some. Usually the gifts are through donation.
If you want to still be involved in this wedding I think you need to talk to her #1 about the Stag and Doe and #2 that you are paying a lot for this wedding and you are willing and honoured to do so for her BUT that you are a student with limited funds and you will take part in all of festivities but can only afford to do so much (in reference to the gifts).
She would have to be a raging B***** to not understand where you are coming from!
Good Luck!
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