Post # 1
I’m currently a bridesmaid in a wedding while trying to save money and plan for my own (along with being a student). I am having a hard time dealing with the bride for the upcoming wedding as I feel like she is being insensitive and rude so I was wondering if anyone could help me to figure out what’s to be expected.
1. She is having a stag and doe party and of course the wedding party is all required to work that night. She also informed us that she wants us all to pay for the prizes for the games and pay for the food for the other guests. Am I required to do this? We are already spending so much money on all these other plans that she has and to have to pay for her party as a way for her to raise money seems a little unfair. She also wants us to have to pay for our own tickets to go to the stag and doe even though we are booking time off of work to work the event for her. Do I have any right to speak up here or is she entitled to make us pay for everything because she’s the bride?
2. As I mentioned we are all spending thousands of dollars to be in her wedding by the time it’s over as she has multiple parties planned and she told the bridesmaids that we need to attend all 3 of her bridal showers (including buying her gifts for each one?!?) So I assumed that there would be some type of thank you to the wedding party for putting in so much time and money to be part of her wedding. Every wedding I have ever been part of, the wedding party has been invited to the rehearsal dinner. However, we are expected to take part in the rehearsal but she has told the wedding party that she doesn’t want us to be at the rehearsal dinner. Is this normal? I just feel like it would be a nice way to thank us for everything and am a little confused as to why we would be expected to take the night off work to be at the rehearsal yet not be included in the dinner.
Any help would really be appreciated because I don’t know how to deal with this situation!
Post # 3
I can’t really comment on #1 because I’m not familiar with stag and doe protocol but I thought the PURPOSE of a rehearsal dinner was to thank and feed the bridal party? That’s definitely not normal.
Post # 4
This bride is being very selfish. It is tradition for the bridal party to give and pay for one shower/bachlorette party. It is also tradition that the bridal party be at the rehearsal dinner. It is tradition for the bride or groom’s parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal is so that everyone can get together one last time to rehearse and also for the gifts to the bridal party and parents to be given.
I am sorry, but if I were you, I would have a serious talk with this bride; she is way out of line. If the talk doesn’t work, I would probably step down from being in her wedding.
Post # 5
whoa…craziness. every time ive been in a wedding, all i was expected to pay for was my dress and shoes. if i needed to travel to attend, i paid for airfare and hotel. the bride doesnt dictate to the bridal party the showers/bach party that they must throw. its nice if you can, but you are definitely not required. im not familar with ‘stag and doe’ but if you are throwing it, why would you be expected to buy a ticket and a gift? i think you need to sit her down and have a talk about her expectations. she’s out of line. weddings are not bonanzas for the couple. 3 shower gifts, plus fundraising, plus wedding gift? how disgusting.
Post # 6
I really don’t know what a stag and doe is either.
But JeniRae is right. The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to thank and feed the wedding party after the rehearsal. Who is she going to have there instead? Strange.
Also, DEMANDING that you come to three bridal showers with gifts is quite excessive.
Post # 7
Wow. I’m a destination bride and I know that most of the members of my bridal party are fresh out of college and not making tons of money. Since they’re already paying a lot to be in the wedding and we’re even getting bachelor/bachelorette parties, I decided to forgo a shower and we will instead host a joint luncheon (no gifts) for our family and bridal party. I think brides should be more considerate of their bridal party!
Post # 8
I don’t know if there’s a normal when it comes to weddings, but I can tell you that her expectations of you all are TOTALLY out of whack. She’s just being inconsiderate and rude. The amount of money she’s asking you all to put up, the fact that she TOLD you to come to her showers AND bring her gifts….WHAT?! I’ve told my entire bridal party that gifts are totally unnecessary given the amount they’re spending to be with me for the wedding. They’ll probably get me a little something anyway, but that’s just because they’re sweet. It is NEVER ok to tell someone to get you a present. As far as the rehearsal dinner….NOT OK. Just not. The point of the rehearsal dinner is to thank and honor your family and the bridal party–she’s entirely missing the point and very likely losing friends in the process. I’m so sorry!
Post # 9
No, it isn’t normal, and she is asking for too much. It is one thing to attend every shower, it is another to demand a gift at each. And not inviting you all to the rehearsal dinner? That is really odd, pretty rude in fact. If she weren’t having one, that is one thing, but come on!
How do you know the bride? Do you know any other BMs?
Post # 10
Thanks for the info everyone! At least I know I’m not crazy thinking this was wrong before lol.
A stag and doe is a party that the couple usually holds to try and raise money for their wedding. It’s fairly popular in Ontario but not everyone does it. They book a venue and sell tickets for $10 each and then sell alcohol (for a very inflated price) along with 50/50 tickets and other games that cost money in an attempt to make a profit. I don’t have a problem with working at this party by either selling raffle tickets or running a game, I just don’t understand why I would be expected to buy everything for it as it’s normally the couple who pays for everything (as they will be the ones benefitting from it) and the wedding party simply helps them run it.
I’ll try to talk to her about it, because I really can’t afford to be spending this much money in addition to the dress, shoes, hair, makeup, mani/pedi day she wants, hotel sleepover she wants, another random party, in addition to the 3 showers lol. I have to save for my own wedding too!
does anyone have any ideas of how to approach the conversation? I really don’t want to make her really angry or upset, I just don’t feel like it’s a fair situation and I’d prefer if we could work something else out.
Post # 11
Demanding anything seems a little ridiculous . . . She sounds like everything I am trying to avoid as a bride.
Post # 12
@monitajb I met her through a large group of friends that we have in common, but we aren’t very close so I was really surprised when she asked me to be in the wedding party. I never had a problem with her so I said yes to avoid making the situation really awkward for our whole group. I don’t know any of the other bridesmaids either so I can’t discuss the situation with them unfortunately.
Post # 13
How much do you value your friendship with her? Would you be bummed if she kicked you out of her wedding?
You’re in a precarious position. Your friend sounds like a bridezilla. And she sounds rather selfish and greedy. (Honestly… she doesn’t sounds like much of a friend to have). She really needs someone to tell her the truth, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she turned on that person in retaliation.
Has the rest of the bridal party discussed this privately? Maybe if you all (or a bunch of you) sit down and talk with her, she’ll listen.
My personal opinions on the matter?
1) I think the stag and doe party sounds tacky. I think any attempt to try to get your wedding guests to pay for your wedding is tacky. You should have a wedding YOU can actually afford. After all, a wedding is about marrying your partner. Not about throwing the most lavish party you possibly can.
2) Etiquette experts (including Emily Post – maybe you should buy the bride her book) agree that if you are invited to multiple showers, you only need to buy one gift. In fact, you really only need to attend one shower. Are you guys paying for all three of the showers?
3) The whole point of the rehearsal dinner is for the bride and groom’s wedding party, parents and officiant (and anyone else integral to the ceremony) to have a small celebration after rehearsing. The bride and groom typically thank their bridal party and their parents, and pass out gifts to them. And the bridal party and parents often give little toasts and/or speeches to the bride and groom.
If it were me, I’d sit down with her and tactfully but frankly clear the air. And if that led to her kicking me out of her bridal party, I’d probably be happier that I no longer had to be her brideslave. Really, who needs greedy, selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate friends like that?
Post # 14
Wow that sucks. How is it that you are spending so much money? That’s crazy. I’m feel weird having my girls spend so much on me so I’m just asking that they pay for their attire and even then I’m trying to find BMs dresses no more than $100-120. I know it can be such a burden for some people especially with the economy and all. I’m also offering to pay for their make-up and hotel the night before. I only hope they do not get outrageous during their weddings!
Post # 15
I think it’s inappropriate.
I know what a stag and doe is and I was in a wedding a couple years ago where the bride & groom had one. The bridal party was expected to work at the stag & doe (selling raffle tickets, work the bar etc.) and if we had contacts it was appreciated if they could help donate prizes, but we were in no way expected to buy the prizes or pay for the food for the guests. I think that is crazy.
we worked the party and partied while we worked, no one minded it too much.
Oh and we were all invited to the rehearsal party. I agree with others, that is a time to thank your nearest and dearest for all their help and support.
Post # 16
I know how you feel because I’ve been in a similar situation. Fortunately for me, the bride is not really a close friend so I told her I’m only attending 1 of the 3 “money grabbing” events that she was having (Ok… I didn’t quite say it that way… I was a little more polite :)).
If she doesn’t understand then, she’s not a good friend!