Is this odd or is it me?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly I don’t find it weird. It’s not how my own family operates, mainly because my sister and I live fairly far apart (an hour’s drive) so it’s difficult to just drop in, but if we lived closer, we probably would.   My husband’s family is exactly like this; the parents are always nipping by to see the grandkids, DH’s two sisters are constantly at each other’s homes, no one announces their visits first. It’s just what they are comfortable with, and I guarantee you they’d be dropping in on us unannounced if we didn’t live 5000 miles away.

I think if you have a very different background and boundaries than your fi’s family does, the best thing to do would be #1 don’t take it personally– which means don’t read too much into each other’s behaviors, and #2 sit down and talk about what each of you pictures as a comfortable relationship with each other, then find the middle ground in there.  Ignoring their texts and hoping they’ll get the message isn’t an effective way to communicate.

 

Post # 5
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@fishbone:  agreed. This is how it is with my family as well, and it took my SO some time to get used to it. 

OP, it seems like your FI isn’t cool with his parents dropping by unannounced? If neither of you are happy with it, then speak to them about boundaries. Since you live so close but only see each other about once a month, maybe you can plan to see them every other Sunday to catch up. This may curb their need to randomly drop in on you. It just seems like they are trying to be a part of your lives, especially with their interest in your renos.

Post # 6
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

They don’t seem like vicious people.  I’d just talk to them about it.  A simple “We’d really love if you guys could call before coming over so we can confirm if it’s a good time for us or not.”  This part is important “CONFIRM IT IS A GOOD TIME” since apparently, they text and assume.

 

It would drive me insane, but I love my privacy.  I would be extremely anxious at the thought of someone just dropping by randomly on any given day.

Post # 7
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with you, OP, this IS weird. My FILs live within 5-10 minutes of us and do not ever just stop by to see us. I like my alone/FI time especially after work, and really dislike people just popping over in general anyway. I find it very rude. 

What needs to happen is that your FI needs to speak with them. He needs to tell them that they need to CALL one of you first and get a confirmation that YES you are home and YES they can come over. Boundaries need to be set now. I know that your FI not responding to their text wasn’t the best choice (he should have just said no), but it’s incredibly rude to not receive an answer and go over to someone’s house and expect to be let in.

Post # 9
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@fishbone:  

@letigre: 

+1 to both. I feel that from what you’re saying it doesn’t happen very often, but it does annoy you when it does. I personally would be thankful, they don’t sound very intrusive. Seems that when they do make contact, they’re met with a no.

Many people don’t get along with inlaws for whatever reasons, it sounds like yours are quite pleasant folk. I’m a very private person and cherish my me time, but I wouldn’t be worried about this.

Post # 11
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

the stopping by is common in my family (but NOT if it’s specified that you want alone time), but the constant texting is a little bit strange and clingy.

 

Post # 14
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jessyrez:  Really unreasonable of you to automatically assume that your fiance’s relationship with his family would be a relationship killer just because that’s what killed your last relationship.  You need to wipe the slate clean and focus on setting healthy boundaries with your FIL’s, and not project the sins of your former FIL’s onto them. You also need to acknowledge that this isn’t “their” problem. From their perspective, they are not doing anything wrong, and they’re actually not doing anything so far out of the social norm as to make compromise an unreasonable goal.  Give a little in this, while you’re asking them to give a little too. Maybe the compromise is that they can’t just randomly drop by, and they need to let you acknowledge that you’re up for company first, while you’ll also take the initiative and visit them more often.  But it’s not just their behavior that needs to adapt a bit.  Do try to keep an open mind, and that will be easier if you put your relationship with your former in-laws in the past.

As for the FMIL texting at 12:30 just to say she was thinking of her son, again it’s a matter of boundaries, more for the timing of the text than the content. I don’t think it’s weird for anyone to text anyone else and say “I’m thinking of you”, so do try to get used to families who may be more open in communicating their affection. But I’d ask that you try to find a mutually agreeable “last call” for texting, maybe 10 or 11pm.  I was raised that you don’t call someone’s house before 9am or after 9pm but that’s just how I was raised; I find it annoying when someone texts at midnight, but others probably find me annoying for texting at 9:15 am. There is a middle ground in there. You just need to find it.

Post # 15
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@jessyrez:  HAHA! totally know where your coming from….. We havent been presented with the visits actually happening yet, but were buying a new home after the wedding and they keep talking about how much time they are going to be spending/coming by etc…..

His mom makes comments about “I guess I just have to get used to the fact that Im LOOSING you and your moving on….”

wtf does that mean…your moving on? ya…. its called growing the fuck up and having your own life!

I do have you beat though….we live in a fairly big city where it can take quite a while to get to places throughout…. takes me and FI anywhere btw 30-45 min to get to work, and 45min – 1.5 hours to get HOME from work EACH day…and our new home will be like 10 min for both of us. The drive will be less then 20 min (approx 18) for FIL’s to get to our place and they’ve already made it clear they expect to be “sleeping over” when they come visit because we will live so far away…and they “cant be expected to drive home when its cold out….”

ummmm…..After the wedding is over its gonna be a whole can of OH HELLS TO THE NO comin their way!

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Is the state they are visiting in a different time zone?

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