Post # 1
I am not harping on this. I am not an overly sensitive person but I just wanted to gage your opinion on this somewhat odd interaction between my fiance’s father and I.
My fiance’s grandmother has been in and out of the hospital for about 2 months. We have been engaged for almost 1.5 months. Seeing as how hectic my fiance’s family has been with his grandmother, my family and I have understood that they have not been able to come to dinner with us. We have been wanting to host a dinner to celebrate our engagement for quite some time now. I was thrilled when I found out 2 days ago that they would be able to meet my fiance and I halfway in my fiance’s new place of residence. My fiance told me “they are excited to see the ring”. I thought it was odd that there was no mention about seeing me, but I thought maybe my fiance was just summing it up with that.
Unfortunately, we found out on the day they were supposed to come that his grandmother is very sick and his mother stayed back to be with her mom. His dad still wanted to meet us because he had some new items for my fiance’s apartment. I was excited because I knew I hadn’t seen his dad or mom in 3 months and seeing them for the first time while engaged to their son was going to be exciting! The moment I got out of my car when we reached the gas station we met at, his dad said “Renee, lemme see the ring”. I showed it to him and he said “Jo (fiance’s mother) is going to kill me”. He said that because he saw the ring before his wife. The rest of the conversation was about the new apartment. There was no congratulations, no nothing. Just wanted to see the ring and that was that.
I’m not upset that the conversation wasn’t about our engagement and our love but about a material item. I am uncomfortable because his family once told me that they were fine if my parents didn’t invite them to dinner on a particular weekend they were in town but they were going to drive by my house anyways to see how we lived. I guess I feel kind of upset that material items are so important to them. I tried to give his dad the benefit of the doubt. His son got a job through the education his dad helped pay for and was ABLE to buy me a gorgeous ring. That must make him so proud. But knowing how they are trying to gage my family’s worth and focusing so much on an object while missing the real point kind of stunned me.
Post # 2
It’s weird. But I find some people are just like that. I have a friend who is always fixated on material stuff and the cost. “I got new shoes, $60, at Blah Blah store.” “You should come over. I finally figured out how to work the ’60 inch’ “. She’s always like that. I just ignore it. I’m not sure why some people are like that. You’d think they’d realize they come off a bit strange.
Post # 3
That sounds so frustrating. You probably want to be all “But don’t you see?? We’re engaged! I’m on top of the moon!! Celebrate, show you’re happy that I’m joining the family and by all means say congratulations!”.
Bummer. Are they always like this? It sounds like it, considering the house comment. I guess it’s a new instance of how you can’t choose your family and now you get to learn who they are and accept tham for that. Are there things about your parents that you can’t explain but would just shrug and say that’s them? You’ve had a whole life to get used to that, and just when we accept these things, a new family comes up to deal with!
Post # 4
Eh, some people are materialistic. Sucks for them, but I wouldn’t let it bother you. There’s nothing that you can really do about their particular view on life, so just smile and keep your focus on more important matters.
Post # 5
hiaud: It’s a bit awkward because there is a difference in class with my family and his. I would never suggest they have class envy, but I think they are curious. They have always been like this. I just hate that they are harping on the ring. His dad called him later that night and the only thing he said was “the ring was pretty”. I think this will be very hard to get used to, honestly. But as you said, I can’t do anything about it. I have to accept it and not let it get to me.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I think you are being oversensitive, or thinking too much into it.
Post # 7
That’s disappointing. But I wonder if your MIL had come if there would have been more talk about the engagement? I know I’m generalizing but my soon to be FIL is the same way. To him talking about love and our realtionship/engagement isn’t something he feels comfortable with. Our wedding is two months away and what he has spoken about are practical things. Such as, costs, what types of wine he’s making, food, issues with the venue, # number of guests, attire for the groomsmen etc… I’m not taking it personally. To him those are things he wants to talk about. I think he’s happy about our enagement but he has never said that per say.
Post # 8
My own father and I don’t talk about anything relating to my engagement. That’s just who we are, and that’s how it works. Even when we announced it to my parents, my dad said ‘May is a nice month for a wedding’ and piped down after that. That’s it.
Some people just don’t know how to respond, and I think sometimes dads struggle in the emotional department (not all, but many) and for them the ring is a status symbol, but it’s a status symbol of your ENGAGEMENT. I’ve had people compliment my ring and not the event itself, and I tried to take it as a ‘It’s very nice, I am very happy this happened to you’ versus just a materialistic appreciation of my jewelry.
Obviously you can feel that way, and it doesn’t mean you can’t feel uncomfortable (everything you’re feeling are legitimate feelings) but at the same time, might be worth just giving them the benefit of the doubt 🙂 You are marrying into this family, might as well be easy-going, there are tons of other things inlaws do that can get your goat so maybe prioritize in what really bothers you?
Sounds like kind of a jerk thing to say, but at the same time think of what kind of stress they’re going through right now with the illness of the grandmother, your FI’s father is also supporting his wife during a very tough time. Sometimes people just don’t feel very celebratory, and it’s hard to experience that downer when you’re on top of the world.
Post # 9
First thing everyone dose is look at the ring!…or in my case express surprise that I said yes!!
I wouldn’t worry about it too much, unless usually they are expressive people. Some people are just quiet with stuff like that. I’ve had to adjust to my new family as they are far, far more expressive than my own. Lots of hugging and love you’s. My lot are more likely to take the P out of each other as a form of regard!