Post # 1
So when we asked a dear friend of my FI to stand up for him, she was happy to accept and immediately called herself a groomsdyke. She’s very butch and will be wearing a suit/tux. So I’ve been calling her our groomsdyke. Queer bees, do you think that’s offensive? I don’t plan on putting it on the programs lol.
Also I feel like I’m perpetuating a stereotype because my bridesman happens to be gay, but he’s my brother.
Also as it so happens we’re getting married in SF during Pride weekend, and on the one year anniversary of the first post-prop 8 marriages in California, which I think is really cool. But anyways… do you think I’m being offensive?
Post # 3
If she’s the one who came up with the term, I don’t think it’s offensive…obviously not to her. You COULD go the extra mile & ask your bridesman if he’s offended but I don’t see why he would be. It seems like she’s just joking around.
FYI: this public announcement is brought to you by a bisexual herself lol I think sometimes straight allies get offended FOR us and 95% of the time they’re right that something is indeed offensive and they’re standing up for a cause they believe in and that truly does help us as LGBT peeps, but sometimes they stand up for something that they find offensive because they think LGBT people will find it offensive but in reality, in a scenario like this, most LGBT people I know and am friends with would all know that this is lighthearted. There’s nothing here to be offended about unless your brother is uncomfortable with it. In which case I would simply explore his feelings with him.
Post # 4
Yes. She can say it; you can’t. It certainly isn not an appropriate way to refer to her with people who do not know her, and with people who do, surely you would just use her name.
Post # 5
I mean, if it’s her self-proclaimed title… And she is fine with it, I guess not? I wouldn’t broadcast it though, like just keep it as an inside joke. But that’s me.
Post # 6
I’m straight, and I think it’s offensive. If I were at a wedding and heard people saying that, I’d raise an eyebrow and definitely find it inappropriate.
Words that carry a negative connotation like that, especially ones that are discriminatory, should not be used, period. It’s one thing if the woman feels like it’s appropriate to say, but it’s offensive for you to carry on the stereotype.
Post # 7
Oh, and whether or not YOU can say it is based on your relationship with her. It’s a simple fix though…”does it offend you if I call you that just around people we know mutually? I would be happy to just refer to you as FI’s groomswoman if it would make you more comfortable. I wouldn’t call you that in public if you would prefer it that way…just kinda gimme your thoughts”….Dont’ tip toe around it, just ask. She sounds like she’s lighthearted by calling herself that so if you’re worried about it, just ask her.
Lesbians tease each other with dyke/queer/blah blah all the time. It’s kinda like the black community using the n word…they’re words that are preceivably off limits to others but used within the community to tease and joke and break down the stereotype. It’s all based on how close you are. My cousins who are white say the N word (nigga…not er) and have black friends who don’t bat an eyelash. If you’re a straight ally, they know it’s not coming from a bad place. Just my 200 cents haha
Post # 8
I say its totally ok. She is obviously very comfortable with herself and her sexuality and it appears she loves and trusts you and your fiancé to participate in such an amazing event. I also think its a term of endearment for herself. The word “Dyke” might be offensive to some but she seems to have taken the negative connotation of the word and give it positive energy and for that I applaud her!
Neither I nor my fiancée refer to ourselves as “dykes” but others might and that’s on them!
The easiest way to find out if it’s offensive is to talk to her as far as how she would like to be referred to in announcements and during conversations. Then you will definitely have your answer!
Post # 9
@soontobemrsm11: your 200 cents were right now point! Go girl!
Post # 10
@ladyamalthea: personally, i am not offended by it, but I think it may be offensive to others, and even if she came up with that title, I suggest not using it. It just seems like poor taste
Post # 11
@ladyamalthea: I think that’s fine for you guys to say between yourselves (if she has expressed shes comfortable with you saying it) but I wouldnt’ casually refer to her as as his “groomsdyke” to anyone else. I find it flippant and and offensive, personally. I’m sure everyone feels different. But I think if you have to ask yourself “is this offensive?” you probably just shouldn’t do it.
Post # 12
I think it’s fine because she came up with it, but I would be very leary of putting it in writing (ie in the programs) because other people may be offended or hurt.
Post # 13
@soontobemrsm11 ( I like your FYI, it’s really true. I am not gay but my best friend is and he always says people who are straight get offended for him even when it’s not a big deal at all.
Post # 14
Straight. Not offended. If she started calling herself that she opened the door. If she asks you not to say it, that’s one thing.
ETA: “She can say it but you can’t?” Oh for fuck’s sake.
Post # 15
sounds offensive to me…she can say it but u cant especially if shes the one who made the term up
Post # 16
I think it sounds offensive. I would just use it as a joke between you all instead of stating it in programs and stuff