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If I had done that to my FI, he would have gotten really upset and felt extremely pressured from all sides...not exactly the mood I want him to be in to get him to propose. I would have an honest discussion with him yourself about what his fears are and whether there's anything you guys can do as a couple to make him feel more secure (couples counseling, etc.). If he has the ring, he obviously wants to marry you and I think it's important to make him feel reassured and know that you want him to feel happy and ready to propose.
Well, if he's had the ring for 2 years already, I'd be nervous about why he hasn't proposed, despite the reasons. And I don't like the idea of nudging him towards an engagement unless HE wants to do it himself. I'd be concenred that his financil reasons and hesitations wouldn't necessarily disappear once you got engaged. I just don't really like the idea of indirect manipulation. I like the idea of a sit-down discussion with your FI...not talking to his sister, who you hope talks to his parents, who you hope tlak to him.
To answer your question: I say Yes. It's overboard. But i don't know the whole situation. Like ejs said; I wonder why he has waited if he's had the ring for 2 years.......... I wouldn't want the reason for my FI to propose to be because he was pressured into it before he was ready.
I don't think you should do it. It might kick you in the butt later, who's to say someone won't spill the beans about what you said! this just might upset your SO and make you wait even longer! My thought is, if he's had the ring for 2 years already and hasn't done it, do you think that maybe he's really not ready?
I think you can talk to the sister, but not to ask her to nudge him...if you 2 are close enough to talk about it.
I could understand the financial reasons if he hadn't bought the ring yet, but I'd be so upset if there was no proposal after 2 years! of having the ring!
(hugs)
I really don't think you should go there. Pushing a guy to propose will probably do the exact opposite. I know that when I bothered my husband he just laughed and ignored me. You should read Mr. Bee's Three Step Plan to get engaged. It's the best!
Haha, I'd thought about doing something like this, but I'm really not that close to his sister or mother, and they harass us/him about it anyway...
I wouldn't ask anyone else to apply pressure. If anything, I might say "well I'm ready if he ever decides to go on with it", but not a "well, I'd like him to do it, if you know what I mean... don't mention we talked!"
I guess you guys are right,sigh.......I'm just so hurt that he hasn't asked. I really feel like he's not going to. In another post I said he wanted to ask but wants a 5yr. engagement. That was unacceptable to me. I told him to propose when we can set a REASONABLE timeline(2-3yr.)date to be married. I really just feel like maybe I've already gotten my answer. If he hasn't asked by now,mabye he has no intention of doing so. The waiting is agonizing and I really can't take it much longer. We are going on a carribean cruise end of March so I'm hoping maybe he'll ask then. I really don't think so though.
Oh no! Don't do it! When your bf proposes, I would imagine you would want it to be because he wants to and is ready...not because he feels pressured to do so from multiple sides. If those are the circumstances under which he proposes you might always wonder if he really meant it--so I would let him come to it in his own time. If you really want to talk to someone, talk to him! Not in a nagging way, of course, but I'm sure you know that! And I second MissAsB--Mr. Bee's Plan is definitely a good approach!
Don't do it! If he has had the ring for 2 years and you've talked about it... there is nothing holding him back but him. pressure from his family can only hurt imo.
Yes overboard! I would be concerned if I knew that he had it for 2 years though, but would not push him or have anyone else do the "nudging" I would rather have it be natural and totally up to him and know that it was 100% his decision
My fiance had prodding from his family. And when I say family, I mean the ENTIRE family- aunts, siblings, parents, cousins, neices and nephews (asking "When will she be my REAL aunt?"), grandparents-- EVERYONE. I had nothing to do with it- I was happy to talk to them about getting engaged, etc, but didn't ask or encourage them to prod. They were (mostly) gentle and good-natured about it, and it was all in good fun. He didn't seem upset, and I wasn't either (it was actually funny, most of the tme) However, it did not push him to propose any more quickly. He had his own timeline, and stuck to it.
Your situation is different, since he's had the ring for two years and still hasn't proposed. Any clue as to his motives? Is there anything you can do to mitigate those fears (e.g. go over a budget to let him know you two can afford a wedding; let him know that a proposal now doesn't have to mean a wedding next month, etc)? Does he know you've set a timeline? I'm not saying to give an ultimatum (that could make things worse), but have you expressed to him that it is really unfair to make you wait, and that you're just not sure how long you can handle playing this waiting game- especially after a very generous 2 years? You probably have done all that, but good luck!
um...i think if you need to do any talking it should be to him...not his sister...if you are wondering about the two years ask him...
I don't think you should bring his family into it-- he's a 45 year old man and can make his own decisions. He's not going to listen to mommy and daddy, you know?
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it- it must be difficult when you love someone so much, but are worried that things aren't going to progress to the future that you see for yourself. :( So frustrating!
I think the only thing you can do is stick with your own timeline, and continue to pursue your own interests and independence. If marrying within the next three years is important to you and is your top priority, you may have to just let him go and find a man who shares this goal with you.
I don't know what to tell you getting engaged doesn't mean you should get married in 12 months, what hasn't he proposed? The real reason that is. Someone in love and sure of the relationship wouldn't think about "finances" or "my heart was broken in the past issues" This has to do with this relationship with you now, I'm sorry to sound so blunt. My FI couldn't wait 24 hrs from the moment he got the ring to the moment he proposed, he told me HE COULDN'T wait any longer...I know every relationship is different but analize yours and find THE reason why he hasn't popped the question, having the ring for 2 years is a big time red flag.
Good luck!
No to the nudging.
But, I would think about talking to his sister about why she thinks he hasn't proprosed/isn't ready for marriage. You're thinking seriously about leaving him, he doesn't seem to be talking about the reason for the delay, it might be worth trying to figure out what is going on more clearly. But if you have this conversation I'd be ready to hear somewhat hurtful things.
i think that if i had ever gotten to the point of an ultimatum, it would have ruined the engagement and i would have always questioned whether he was ready to commit. is there a reason that he is hesitating? i think you need to evaluate the relationship and talk with him about it and your goals as a couple, not just why he isn't proposing. the proposal isn't the endpoint, it's the beginning of a long life together and you should both be ready to make that commitment. if you are there and he isn't, it may be a sign :(
Is this overboard? Definitely.
But I would definitely consider why you're remaining in a relationship where the man is OBVIOUSLY unsure of the relationship himself. The fact that he's brought up having an immensely long engagement at HIS age is a HUGE red flag.
To me, finances becomes null and void once he's bought the ring. He's unsure about something in your relationship and you need to have a mental timeline of how much longer you're willing to wait. If he doesn't propose in 6 months, are you willing to leave? If you set that MENTAL deadline, then make sure you stick to it.
Don't do it! My brother's wife did this to my mom! She cornered my mom at our beach house the summer before he proposed. She was like I love your Son and started crying. It made my mom sooo un-comfortable. What was she suppose to say? At one point my brother was thinking of bailing and she called me to talk him out of it and to cheer for her. It was hard to hear that stuff and was just really hard for me to not question if she was right for my brother. He did ask her and they've been married for a year now. But it still bothers me that she went crying to both my mom and me. I never told my brother I don't know if mom did either.
Don't do it!!! Think long and hard about why he's had the ring for 2 years and not propose and the reasons he gives. I really think the answer is right in front of you, don't make excuses...it may be painful, but deep down you already know.
I absolutely don't think you should nudge his family to go talk to him. Pressuring a guy to propose is not the answer, and it will probably end up doing the exact opposite. I do, however, think you should talk with your boyfriend. Have an open, honest discussion with him. If he's had the ring for two years, and he wants a 5 year engagement, it makes me think that his hesitation may be more than just financial, and if that's the case, then you deserve to know. Either way, I think you should discuss it with him.
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I was thinking about talking to my SO's sister about the whole "him not proposing thing" in hopes that she would tell his parents and they could give him a gentle nudge without telling him that I had something to do with it. I am pretty close with his sister and trust her. He's had the ring for 2yrs. and hasn't proposed despite my discussions with him. His reasons seem to be financial and he's got some hesitations from being hurt in the past. I thought maybe family bringing it up to him very gently might cause him to "think" before he loses me(I have set a 6mth. timeline for myself). What do you bees think? Is this too much or maybe it would help?