(Closed) Is this really what it’s like? REALLY long- sorry!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hugs. I know what it feels like to have decisions mocked or teased. Just try to smile through it. I’m sure they will all be happy and on their best behavior when the day comes. At least they’re talking about it at all, even if it is to joke. Some people just don’t know when to stop joking around.

Post # 4
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Before you do anything drastic, I think it would be good to understand where they are coming from… and I *think*, though I can’t be sure, that they are coming from a place of insecurity.

Your wedding is much fancier than the two siblings that went before your brother.  I don’t know if your parents are footing the bill or if you and your fiance are, but regardless, it seems that it might be a more elaborate affair than is within their means.  That can make people really uncomfortable and insecure.

Often sarcastic joking is a coping mechanism that people use to deal with their insecurities, so they (especially FI’s brother) are using jokes that are in really poor taste to deal with it.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), it really isn’t your job to confront what they are doing.  You should express how this is making you feel to your FI.  It’s his job to pull his family back.  Families that use sarcasm as a coping mechanism rarely know that what they are doing is hurtful… so FI needs to have a conversation with them to get the point across.

The problem is, frankly, that they will probably see you as a “fragile flower”, but I think it’s better to have them make fun of that behind your back than to push you closer to the edge with their comments.

I hope your family has been more supportive than his has been.  I’d definitely try to let as much of what they say roll off your back as you can handle.

Disclaimer- I might be reading some of my own experience into this, so if I’m off base please just disregard 🙂

Post # 5
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I was JUST going to say what DG said.  That’s what this sounds like to me – the family I come from tends to be this way too 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yikes…that sounds REALLY irritating.  People can poke fun and joke, but its still hurtful.  And when its incessant, it becomed 100x worse.  Some people clearly dont know when to stop.  Also, my FIs favorite saying is “there is a little bit of truth behind every joke.”  It doesnt sound like they are getting just how much it truly does bother you.  If I were in your shoes (and I was, albeit not nearly as severe) , I became a bit brazen.  VISIBLY roll your eyes when they make a comment, and when they ask whats wrong say “You continue to joke, but this is our wedding and we’ll plan it as we see fit.”  When the brothers make comments, say “If you really cant pick a suit, we’ll pick one for you and reserve it.”  Them calling you a bridezilla or thinking you’re acting like a b*tch is way better than the incessant prods, jabs, and jokes.  THAT will eat at you mentally and physically, you playing the b*tch mindgame will not.  When it comes to the serious comments (VFW) be like “You know, its not a bad idea, and we’ll consider it” and let it be.  If it comes up again, say “We did think about it, but it didnt fit into what WE (emphasis on WE) envisiouned OUR day to be like.”  They’ll get the hint…hopefully

You shouldnt have THIS much anxiety this early on, but some is expected.  Once these decisions are made and reserved and finalized, they cant really say much.  It will be what it is, they need to realize that.

As for the mom and her pants…yikes.  Maybe have FI remind her that these photos are forever and he doesnt want to tell the grandkids that “grandma wanted to be comfortable and not look pretty.” 

Sorry youre going though this, what a headache

Post # 7
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I know it’s hard but I gotta tell you my family jokes all the time about my daughters wedding..and it’s out of love.  My six kids are always teasing each other…have “fights’ on facebook and generally giving each other good natured hell. My dh and I are both known to harrass our own kids and support their partners.  Perhaps that’s just his family dynamic. I can really see one of my sons sending a dumb and dumber pic to my daughters fiancee.  (he would laugh)

I agree that they sound a little uncomfortable with the ‘fancy’ wedding and that may be where some of it comes from.  Can you find it in yourself to give back some of what they are putting out?  It might lighten everyone up.

Have a great wedding. You do sound like you have bridal stress and it is hard to blend families.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yikes. First of all, I feel your pain on the whole ‘want to elope’ thing. I am at about week three of planning now and I’ve already been to that place like 3 or 4 times. Weddings bring out the crazy in everyone, they really, really do!

It sounds like maybe you and his family are mis-communicating. I mean, maybe they are just jerky people, but assuming that they’re not, maybe they just don’t know how to talk with you. They resort to the jokey behavior they use with each other, about the only topic they know you guys have in common (the wedding) and when it doesn’t go over well they don’t know what to do.

Another thought – you said your wedding is by far the most formal, right? So maybe there’s an element of feeling awkward and out of place with a more formal event, and humor is their way of trying to diffuse it.

My thought might be this – maybe try to find some completely non-wedding related topics to talk about. TV shows you both watch, events in the news, other relatives, whatever! Maybe that will help you build some more common ground.

Also, maybe help them see what they CAN do, instead of the corny jokes. Maybe present a conversation on a topic where you know they will feel like a bit of an expert. For example, ask their advice on the seating chart and who gets along best with who.

Last but not least, maybe go back to the advice we all got from teachers way back in the day – better to ignore someone who is teasing you than to react! Sometimes an eye roll and an awkward silence is the best way to put a stop to such things.

Post # 9
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Could anything in the world be more irritating than a passive aggressive comment? I think not. It sounds like you’re surrounded by them. Super annoying.

I think the thing about every bride getting to the point of wanting to elope is absolutely accurate. I was in the same boat (it moved down the river -I’m feeling excited again!) with wedding planning. It seemed like a whole lot of people who weren’t contributing financially or emotionally wanted to tear it down. It made me absolutely hysterical at times.

You have to remember, even though it’s annoying to remember this, that you are likely hypersensitive right now. No one realizes how much work goes into a wedding. No one but you knows how much time you spend up late at night, working on DIYs, planning guest lists and figuring out seating charts. They don’t know what you’re doing or how important it is to you so they don’t think twice about trivializing the effort.

Don’t elope. You want this wedding. It’s for you and your FH. It sounds like your soon to be in laws might be a little intimidated by your “fancy” affair and therefore feel the need to make snide comments.

The future brother in law stuff is kind of funny…I would take him giving you shit as a way of accepting you. Brothers are like that. They pick and pick and pick to get to you.

Take it in stride as much as you can and run away when you can’t. This too shall pass.

Post # 10
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with some of the other posters. I think they aren’t really used to formal events and it makes them feel a little bit uncomfortable. I think maybe about the mostachioli and stuff is just because that sounds like it might be what they’re used to… When I was wedding planning, I was asking my mom questions about her wedding that I had never thought to ask before (funny how wedding planning brings that out lol) One way or another it came up where she said that she didn’t think the majority of her family would have even come to her wedding if she didn’t have such a relaxed reception (tent in my grandma’s backyard, no fancy food or anything, people wore their every day clothes). Her family was just NOT the type to dress up (on the redneck side a bit. honestly) so she thinks if they had to, they just wouldn’t have. It sounds like there is a little bit of that going on so they’re teasing you for wanting it to be something fancy and might even be hiding behind some insecurities thinking they aren’t good enough because they’ve never done these fancy things themselves. Just show them that Formal can be fun too and I think it’ll be ok! If you make it through this with a smile on your face (even a fake one) I think you’ll be very well liked and considered by them even more of a part of the family. I know its hard to be teased. my mom does it to me EVERY TIME hubby is around and I nearly end up in tears by the end of the visit… Just try to stick it out and continue with the wedding planning. It’ll be worth it in the end 🙂

Post # 11
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I get along quite well with FI’s family, but they do kid around like that a lot more than I’m used to with my family.  I don’t know if you feel comfortable enough, but can you try to dish it out to them a little?  With a family like that that’s always having jokes at each other’s expense, the quickest way to get a little respect is to crack a couple good ones yourself.  They may not know how else to communicate about the wedding (or anything!), but maybe if you speak their language a little, the situation will improve.

Post # 13
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with kazzochair and ellebeaux, try to come up with some funny comebacks defending yourself. If he e-mails you suit’s tell him you were thinking a different direction and send him back pictures of renissance attire, a la robin hood men in tights. I understand it can get frustrating, but it sounds like this is how they treat each other all the time, and it’s their way of welcoming you into the family. I do know that since my wedding is getting closer and closer, i’ve become hyper-sensitve to everything, so that could be part too.

Just try to take a deep breath and maybe watch the movie Family Stone, that’s what this family kind of reminds me of. Just try to laugh and not take it personal.

Post # 14
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

*hugs hugs hugs* I hope this is working out for you – Mrs. DG gave great advice indeed! I know with a deep breath and the understanding that you definitely seem to have you can get over this hump. And if they continue to drive you nuts, well, there’s always weddingbee! That’s what we’re here for! Vent away, miss!

Post # 15
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

And some of us decide to elope. Honestly, we had a very similar situation to yours. His family was completely unwilling to take our wedding seriously and complained incessantly about having to ‘dress up.’ My side, paltry as it is, still complained about the expense – lots of gasping at prices – and now I’ve been told my my fairy godmother that she’s “so glad” we cancelled “that expensive wedding.” And she’s positively gleeful about what we can do with the money instead. I’d like to point out that the money in question is all my own and FI’s – nobody offered any financial assistance whatsoever despite the unending demands and complaints.

Post # 16
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I don’t know if I have anything new to add but just wanted to chime in on how much I agree with Mrs. DG!  My FSIL makes cracks about our wedding all the time and I think its a jealousy thing … she recently got married and our wedding is bigger and “fancier”… she even found a way to trash talk the fact we were paying for valet for our guests!  Some people are just insecure and don’t know how to deal with it.

Don’t call off your wedding!  Put one of your BMs in charge of keeping you away from drama (when FMIL starts acting up, maybe designated BM can gently guide her away from you) and don’t worry about them.  If your FI’s family turns up in pants suits or powder blue tuxes, they will be the ones who look silly – not you!

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