Is this relationship worth pursuing?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think if you throw it away with this guy you will do the same with the next because I don’t know if you really know what you want from a relationship. If the next guy acts more “I love you” and “meet my family 5 months in” you could possibly get scared and run from that. You said yourself that you are happy that things are going slow, but it seems you want them faster?

That being said if you don’t feel like your relationship with this guy could move forward, even after talking with him, then perhaps you need to let him go sooner rather than later. It isn’t fair to him (or you) to be stuck. I would talk to him first and see how he truly feels and where you forsee your relationship going in the future, and if you are content I would stay becuse it sounds like you guys work well together.

I also think you are right in your self esteem issue. I was thinking in your post how immature it was that you would purposefully not text him back because it took him a long time. You said how you don’t talk to him every day and you’re ok with that but are you really? I think you have some issues you need to continue to work through whether you are with this guy or not.

Post # 4
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

So let me get this straight your going to break up a guy you really like because you don’t know how he feels about you and your too scared to ask? Doesn’t that seem at all crazy to you? Just be honest with him, you have no idea whats going on in his head.

And please for the love of god stop comparing relationships. I nearly sabotoged my relationship with my now husband by doing that. Before I met my husband, my ex changed his mind about me countless times and it was a very on again, off again relationship. I was always constantly worried he was gonna leave because they always did. And I’d been dumped too many times that i vowed to dump the guy before i let him dump me. Thank God my husband refused to let me go because i prolly told him it was over a hundred times during our arguements because I thought for sure he was gonna break up with me. It took me a while to actually get through my thick head that he wasn’t going anywhere. We’ve been together for 5 years in August and before him i never had a relationship that lasted longer then 3 months. 

 

Post # 5
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Wow, that was a long post. Anyway, I have one question. So you haven’t said the “L” word yet. But does he show his love and/or care for you in other ways? Does he go out of his way to make you happy? Do you FEEL that he cares about you? If a guy truly loves you, he will show it in other ways. 

But it does concern me that you say you can’t get a read on how he feels about you. However, I wouldn’t end it just yet. Have a conversation with him. Don’t be afraid to open up about your feelings for him. Once you open up, he might do the same and your relationship could become even better. Give it a chance and see what happens. Good luck. 

Post # 6
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

That was one hell of a post, so I’m going to try to address a few points:

  • Stop comparing relationships: you know you’re doing it. When you catch yourself doing it again, stop.
  • “I was a little taken aback that he could be with someone for a year without actually loving them.” A year? My BF was with a girl (from about 32-37) for *five years* he had zero intention of marrying and did not love. People get complacent and stay longer than they mean to, perhaps your BF did the same.
  • Saying I love you: if you feel it, say it. I said it first with my BF after dating for several months

Honestly? I get that relationships “take work”, etc…but this one just seems like a pain. If you want to have a talk with him about his intentions, fine, but it doesnt sound like *you* care one way or another how it goes…and I’d hazard a guess he may feel the same.

Post # 7
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@odelay:  Let me just say this – there is incredible strength in vulnerability. 

You don’t know how he feels about you.  You don’t even know how you REALLY feel about him, you’re just waiting for him to take the lead.  And he isn’t taking the lead. 

You’re too guarded (understandably), probably because you’re being self-protective.  But being guarded won’t keep you from being hurt, it will just keep you from realizing your true potential.  Stop waiting.  Be open.  Share your emotions.  If you get knocked down (hello, I’m the Queen of that) then pick yourself up, brush yourself off and keep walking steadily forward.

Don’t waste any more time wondering.  Talk to the man already.  If he doesn’t give you the answer you most deeply desire in your heart then end the relationship and find someone new. 

But don’t let fear rule your life any more.

Post # 8
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Duuuude. You’re acting like my mother. 😛 She just got back into the dating world and they do the whole “I’m going to show my control in this situation by not texting right away!”

That is so high school, and if you want to get anywhere, you need to stop that crap RIGHT NOW.

TALK To him about how you notice he does it, and you do it, too! You’re both doing this dumb power play right now because no one wants to be the weaker link here since you’ve both been hurt. What you SHOULD be doing is communicating about this stuff. Just because he hasn’t said he loves you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. You should just talk about this stuff together. It’s been long enough where that’s not a crazy thing to do. 

Don’t break up with him if you love him. TALK to him instead. 

Post # 9
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You already seem so self aware about the things I would have mentioned, so the one thing left to say I think is this:

You guys need to talk.  If you’re curious about how he is feeling about you, ask him! You guys need to open up and communicate with each other on a deeper level.

As for the text thing – stop it! It’s not the first few weeks of dating! 😉 I totally get it though – I did that with my crazy ex all the time. It’s because I felt like I was more into the relationship than he was, since he would take hours to respond and I would respond right away.  It’s not a good feeling when you feel more into your partner than he is into you.  But, if that’s the case, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.

 

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@odelay:  In all honesty, dump him.  I know it’s a bad idea to compartmentalize divorced men into one category because there are great divorced guys out there, this guy just isn’t one of them yet (and may never be one of them.)  Another red flag are his issues with his family and lack of interest in meeting your family as a result.  My ex husband hated his family, especially his mother, so when we were married I was the “mom” in the relationship and he ultimately hated me as well.

It doesn’t sound like you’re excited about this guy at all.  Relationships take work as a PP pointed out but it sounds like this one just isn’t worth putting in the time.  A relationship this early on should be fun and still in the honeymoon stage.  I had to keep scrolling up to be reminded you have only actually dated the guy for a few months.  I say dump this guy, read He’s Just Not That into You, and work on being a happy and confident woman for yourself.  I promise you will meet someone amazing, this guy just isn’t it.

Post # 11
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It really depends on what you are looking for. Strictly for fun/company relationships can be nice! Why not relax and enjoy it for a while and let go of expectations? Besides, if you were really in love and envisioning a future together – the talk should flow easily and naturally.

Post # 12
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I just wanted to comment on your reacting to facebook posts. I have a theory about people posting their relationships all over facebook/twitter/any sort of public venue. If you’re on a date and all you talk about is how fun it is, you’re not really having fun. If you were, you wouldn’t have to keep convincing yourself/mentioning it. Same with facebook, if things are great why are you wasting time telling everyone. You should just be enjoying it. They’re probably just convincing themselves how happy they are.

Post # 14
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@odelay:  Are you really sure you don’t mind the lack of communication on his part or are you making excuses in the relatinship? Your first post sounds like you say such and such bugs you but then you go and say I’m okay that he does this. But it sounds like you really aren’t. Or else you wouldn’t be comparing relationships or wondering why he doesn’t do this or that. It’s tough, I was the same way making excuses and telling myself I was okay that my FI didn’t call me everyday when we were away or wasnt outspoken with his love. You need to talk about it and get down to how you both really feel. Sometimes the person isn’t like that, but if they love you enough they will do whatever it is to make you happy.

Everyone deserves to be loved and loved greatly. Wishing you the best! If he is not the one, you will find the one for you! There is a saying that everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not, then it’s not the end yet! Keep living and loving. Being afraid is the only thing that will hurt you in the end!

Post # 15
Member
5483 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@odelay:  Alright, I’m not sure I have any helpful advice but I wanted to jump in and say that you sound very smart and you are an excellent writer! Every relationship is different but just from your initial post my impression is not that you are worried about breaking up with him for the wrong reasons … but you’re worried about staying together with him for the wrong reasons. Just my two cents. I have really really come to realize that you know, deep down, what you want to do. It’s just hard to do it. Good luck :-/

ETA: Just saw your later post about what a nice, good person he is. I will repeat to you what my bff said to me when I was justifying a guy based on how nice he was to me. She said: You’re focusing on what he DOES, not who he is to you. It made me snap out of it. Being considerate and polite are obviously good, but they are not enough.

 

Post # 16
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I can definitely identify with some of your feelings here. I too have a fear that the guy I date will just randomly dump me one day or he’ll just get bored or lose feelings or he never had feelings for me. It’s happened to me before.

My ex bf dated me for 2 years, and I learned he never loved me. He was just with me, well, just because. He didn’t really know why. Learning that was incredibly tough on my ego, I felt as if something was wrong with me. 

It’s not hard to internalize something like that when it happens to you. Especially when they go into a serious relationship a short-period after they were with you. 

I also get kind of envious when I see friends posting stuff about having babies and getting married. Out of my friends, I am in the minority now of women who are single. AND I AM ONLY 24!

It’s uber frustrating and I can’t tell you the times I have sat and thought “Why isn’t this happening for me too?!” I also thought, maybe if I lost weight, or did my hair differently, or acted more confident, or did something different that it would change things. But you just have to realize that these things happen at different times for different people.

No matter the colour or style of your hair, or your weight or anything else for that matter can change your odds. It just happens when it’s going to happen. All the pieces fit and everything lines up perfectly. 

Life is mysterious that way. Everything works out when it wants to. And when it does, it’s just so easy and effortless. I’ve seen it with all my friends, and it’s hard to not get frustrated thinking about it. Especially when your life seems to be in a rough patch.

I’m glad you are going to be talking to him about this. It can be hard to work up the strength to open yourself up and be vulnerable, but you can do it! It’s scary, but think about it this way. You have been alone before, and you are still here 🙂 You even found new people after the person you were with in those relationships didn’t work out. So it’s not like if this one doesn’t work out, that you won’t be able to find someone new!

I wish you the best and hope that talking to him makes you both feel better about the relationship. He does sound like a good guy, so I would hate for you to dump him without giving him a chance to explain himself. Maybe he does feel deeply for you, but has also been afraid to say so. 

 

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