- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I voted yes because I've been an "after dinner" invitee. I didn't go because it was kind of insulting. I'd rather not be invited at all then to show up after and have friends talk about the dinner etc... However, I do think it depends on the relation of these guests to you.
That is what I am worried about... I would really like to get the list cut down to where we do not need do that. Thank you for you input!
if i was an "after dinner" invitee - i wouldnt go because of what misssawyer said - its kind of insulting.
i would rather not be invited at all.
i have a question though - if your venue only holds 300, doesnt it only hold 300? how are you gonna invite 400 folks and have room for them? Not sure how just having them for drinks and dancing will give you room - is it because the venue has like a 400 capacity for standing room only??
I think you just need to have the tough decision about the guest list. That is a HUGE number of people to invite - you surely can't know all of them very well?! I think you need to start reeling it in and cutting people you don't know and/or limiting plus ones. You need to stay under the comfortable amount your venue can hold.
I would also be insulted to not be invited to dinner. I would understand but I would still be insulted. And are you planning on inviting them to the ceremony as well? In that case, there would be a HUGE time gap from end of ceremony to when they would be allowed at the reception.
No - they would not be invited to the ceremony, just for dessert and dancing.
Can you do the whole thing a heavy cocktail thing? Do you think all these people will come? Are they from out of town.
@cheapchicbride: In that case, I would definitely be insulted. The ceremony is the most important part to me, and I would feel that if I'm not important enough to be invited to the ceremony, why would I go to part of the reception?
I agree with crayfish. That is a lot of people and I think you just need to speak with the parents about the guestlist issues you're having (though I know you said that's another issue entirely). That is just too many people.
I think I would be insulted. I think in cases where people invite certian people to the ceremony, because they want an intimate gathering, and then invites the rest to reception is fine, but I think this might insult some people. Just MHO though...
@spaganya - The venue seats 300, but can actually hold 500. After dinner we are planning on dismantling some of the tables either way just to make it more roomier and more of a cocktail type feel.
I have been adamantly against the second invitation option from the start, but my mother keeps pushing for it. I think I'll show her the results of this poll to show her how it would appear in other's eyes to get an invitation like that.
400 people is ridiculous, you can't possibly know all of them. I'm sure there's room to widdle down the guest list. If you can't, find a different venue. I'd be terribly insulted to receive such an invite.
I'd be really insulted if someone throwing a wedding felt that some guests were worth dinner and others were worth only dessert. I understand that there are limits to guest lists, thus I'd rather not be invited at all than get this type of invite.
It's rude and people will be offended even if they don't say anything to you.
@cheapchicbride: yeah definitely talk her out of this - bad idea all around. theres no way in heck yall have 400 folks that just HAVE to be invited.
perhaps have a seperate congratulatory brunch or cocktail reception later in the week with all the "extra" folks your parents want to invite?
honestly - unless its a religious thing so only close family or whatever is at the ceremony, i would be seriously offended to just be invited to drinks and dancing "after the fact" its like saying "youre good enough to get us a gift (not that gifts are implied but you know what i mean) but you arent good enough to feed."
seriously have her reconsider. its not worth offending and being mean to folks.
maybe you can host a 'separate' and not so fancy wedding for your parents' friends
do a separate banquet-only, and just make it a meal with simple wines/beer, maybe can re-wear your wedding dress or just buy another nice dress for that dinner
if it's your parents' friends, they're probably old. they wont want to go out past 9pm for 'drinks and dessert'
i am all about doing what you want to do on your wedding day, but in this case, i wouldn't recommend you to do it, because i know i will for sure feel insulted if i received an invitation like that. i think the idea FinallyGettingMarried suggested is do-able, maybe you should consider that :)
We actually did this for a few friend's significant others...We didn't have the space or budget to invite everyone for the entire thing but a handful of family friend's kid's bf's/gf's came by for dinner, dancing and dessert and it worked out beautifully!
I think it depends on exactly who would be getting these invites but I think it can be done tastefully!
@FinallyGettingMarried: Thats a great idea. I agree with this. But I don't agree that if the guests are old, they won't want to go out past 9. If they're anything like my parents and their friends with 90% of them over 50, they're out til 3 at a concert, wedding, or birthday party. Not all older people are party poopers. If I was "old" I would have been offended by that comment. Although I can see if you meant people above 65 maybe. Since a range of age wasn't given I can't be sure. And I'm a young bride so I might be one of the exceptions.
But to the OP, where we are from its almost customary for some people to expect to only be invited to the dance and after celebrations. Some people have already told me they better get an invite to the dance. This could be because I've been invited to their wedding reception after the supper or because they know we're friends but not close enough to attend the supper. Most venues around here cannot hold a lot in the more rural communities and our venue can only hold 220 seated. Its expected that you want more people there than you can fit and "B" listers are those people. Its not that you don't want them there, but you have to invite family and close friends first.
I think it all depends on what goes on in your area. If you think you would be offended or if you ask around to your friends and family you might get a more accurate answer since they will know more aabout what happens where you're from.
I would be offended but why not just send your invitations out to the 350 people earlier like 12 weeks in advance and if you get even more no's than expected, invite people from this list b.
I think Trailmix stated a good point that it can be done. However, I think it can be done very carefully. If you are talking a handful of aquaintances that you feel comfortable casually inviting then it might work. I think you would have to limit this though to less than 20 people and do it word of mouth, "I'm so sorry we just didn't have the space, but if you would like to stop by we would love to see you". I don't think sending a formal invitation is appropriate because to me it feels like you couldn't make room for me but you are asking for a gift.
Good lord, NO.
Sorry to be so emphatic, but just...no. You would never invite 8 people over to a dinner party and then tell 4 more to arrive 2 hours later for just desserts and nightcaps, would you? If you invite people to your wedding, you must invite them to the WHOLE wedding. Period. (I suppose *IF* your PARENTS are willing to break the news to THEIR friends personally that their friends won't be invited for dinner, then you might have a little wiggle room, but to be honest, if it were my wedding and I was the honoree, I'd never want people to be invited that way to celebrate me and my new husband, in our names). But I don't think it's a good idea.
Agree with FinallyGettingMarried--consider a small private ceremony and dinner and then a separate bash for more of your friends. If you simply MUST invite all 400 people then I'm afraid you're going to have to find a different venue or change your feeding plans to just champagne and cake for everyone or from dinner to heavy hors d'ouevres (sp?--which are generally filling enough anyway).
This might not be hugely helpful as I live in the UK, but it's perfectly normal here to do what you suggest. We have day invites (which include ceremony and wedding breakfast) and then evening invites (which include disco/dancing and buffet - or just desserts)
I'm with trailmix, it can be done, but quite sensitively if it's not customary.
I think in some situations this is appropriate. All of this depends on who is paying. If your parents are paying, then I would invite your friends to dessert & dancing. If all of your friends understand that no friends were there for dinner and you really want them all there, but your parents and you could not afford more dinners, I think this would be ok. You would really need to think this one through and figure out a way to do it tastfully.
I know this is not your original question, but it seems like you have WAY too many people. If your venue does not hold that many, why invite that many? What if everyone RSVPs yes?
I would be less inclined to view my dessert/dancing invite as rude/tacky if I knew dinner was for a select few very close relatives.
Well I personally wouldn't go if I were invited for dessert and dancing if there was a ceremony and dinner that others were invited to and not me. Like others I would rather not be invited at all.
I think what you have to do here is make a B list. As hard as it is, tell your family that you need at least 100 people to B list, so X amount from each person. Most likely you will be able to invite the majority of the people on your B list, but I think doing it that way is better than only 1/2 inviting some people. I've been B listed before and I was totally fine with it. As long as you still give people enough notice, like 3 or 4 weeks, then it isn't super-insulting.
Absolutely not okay.
I know this isn't your intent, but if I received an invite just for post-dinner fesitivities, I wouldn't go because it would make me feel like a second-tier guest, but would also look like a blatant gift grab.
You need to ruthlessly cut down your list.
@moderndaisy' s suggestion of an A list and B list would be quite appropriate for this situation.
If I were invited to a wedding, but not for the ceremony or reception (except for the end), I wouldn’t go. Honestly, if I received an invite like that, I would think that the couple didn’t really want me there (or didn’t care either way if I came), but wanted to receive more gifts.
I’m sure this isn’t your intent, but some people might see it that way if invited for only the last few hours of a reception.
I invited 2 acquaintances to my reception for cocktails at 8pm, they are not super close friends but I see them from time to time when I'm out and about. They are both coming and are super excited to join us for drinks! I think it totally depends on the nature of the relationship.
@cheapchicbride: Hey dress twin! Although you mean well to want to invite as many people as possible, you're actually doing more harm than good by telling some people that they can only come after dinner. Better to not invite them at all. I disagree with @lezlers: who said 400 people is ridiculous because I just attended a wedding with 450 people and the bride and groom did know all of them so its not impossible to know that many people. But ultimately its not right to invite people for just dessert.
I think the comments about it being simply impossible for all of those people to be important are being a little rude. I'm an only child who has a large extended family. Just a little segment of my family was at a family wedding out of state, and we had over fifty family members there. This group only included a few of my dad's side's cousins and their children... I know that I could easily include close relatives on my side alone that would number over 150 and just adding a few life long friends would make my numbers go to 300 rather quickly. While I'm an only... my friends are not and I'm close to their whole family... so I think it's important to realize that everyone has a different group that's important to them. I was at a wedding that had two receptions... one at the church and a second one at a banquet hall. Only a few guests were invited only to the church reception and the vast majority of us went to the hall. In that case, I felt that the bride was being rude to the out of town co-workers who she invited only to the church. I think she definitely could have not included them, and I think they would have understood. She had not worked there very long... so it would have been okay. I think you need to have a good discussion about why all the guests are important and decide if you want to have a cocktail event with everyone or if there is a way to have a smaller dinner party... family only perhaps? and then the larger event!
We are inviting 300 people to are wedding and I already know what its like to see the guest list balloon out of control. But I would not invite them if I could not provide dinner for them. I would find a larger venue that could acomodate them or tell your parents that you think its rude to not be able to have enough room for them. It would be like not inviting someone to the ceremony but only the reception. It would not make your guests feel welcome.
As weird as it may seem, yes, we actually do know about 98% of the people who are on the list. My family (aunts, uncles, cousins) is 95 people, the FI's hovers around 80 or so. We both grew up in the same small town and have remained close to the friends we have made over the years, which has always been a good thing until now. :)
At first the reason our list was out of control was because my mom felt she needed to invite all 25 of her co-workers and their guests. It literally took me 4 months to talk her out of this. Now last night, I got his parents list which included his parent's cousins (as well as the FI's cousins), family friends and their grown children as well as his sister-in-law's entire family. He feels he owes it to his parents to honor this list, even if it means cutting people he has been friends with for years. I personally do not feel this is right and this is where we are butting heads. I especially do not feel it is right that his sister-in-law's family is going to take up eight spots and just their presence is going to get under my skin because, like I said, they're nothing but rude.
This situation has just spiraled out of control in the past 24 hours and I am just not sure what to do. It has been decided that there will not be 2 different invitations, but I guess I am looking for advice as to what to do next.
I voted yes, I would be offended if i received one of these invites and would think "I am not good enough"
i think its terribly offensive... if you are choosing to invite x amount of people you should definitely hwave a reception that can accommodate that number. if youve already booked your site id hand the lislt back to the parent and say either start cutting or itll be up to them to foot the bill for a new bigger venue...
@cheapchicbride: I think you and your FH need to decide that a certain generation of distance of people need to be cut out. Maybe its parents cousins, maybe its friends that you see at the bar, but rarely if ever call on their phone. Come up with some sort of rule and see what that leaves you with. And then stick with it and form a team against the parents who will likely not like it.
@cheapchicbride....Glad to hear that you decided against the 2 invites. Since your wedding is almost 1 year away, is it possible to change your venue? If not, I agree with lefeymw, set up some kind of rule as to where to cut the guest list down.
Just to share...I recently went to a wedding where my now DH and I "made the cut" for the "whole" wedding wheras others got invited to the festivities AFTER dinner only. (Mind you, we have a very huge circle of friends) When I went to go to the bathroom during the dinner, there were several of our friends just sitting in another part of the hall just waiting for us to finish eating so that they could enter the ballroom. I felt sooooooo horrible to see them all just sitting there with their hands in their laps basically. I swear I would have not gone if we had been invited only to the "after dinner" part....I personally think it is beyond rude. Bottom line, it not only makes those people feel bad, it makes the other guests feel bad for them too.
The only way this works is if your after dinner guests are young (college age or younger) and just want to come for the par-tay. Just verbally invite them and say, "hey, we can't afford to foot the dinner bill for you guys but you should come for dancing and drinks!
I am going to go against everyone here and say I would not be offended (assuming I wasn't a cousin or close friend). I also grew up in a small town (FI from the same small town). There are a ton of people who we are friends with who are just not going to make the cut, and who I would not expect to make the cut on thier list as well.
If you are sending these to people who don't "expect" to invited in the first place I say they should be understanding. There are a lot of large families where I come from so I would totally get it if I were invited after the fact.
As for the fact that you are gift grabbing- if I was invited for drinks and dancing I would still bring a card and throw some money in it, but I wouldn't give as much as if I had come for dinner as well and I am sure people would do the same.
I would say do what feels right for you, if these are friends that you want there but seriously just can't afford/fit and you don't think they will be offended go for it. I know people will show up after if I invite them or not, so why not just put the invite out there.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 52 |
| Brielle | 41 |
| mypinkshoes | 34 |
| his chippymunk | 34 |
| Cady | 32 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 32 |
| TheLionQueen | 31 |
| This Time Round | 31 |
| AshleyR83 | 30 |
| ndreighton | 27 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| andielovesj | 5 |
| DeeVine1217 | 5 |
| beargoose | 4 |
| AshleyR83 | 4 |
| fishbone | 4 |
 Jamcnair |
3 |
| his chippymunk | 3 |
| ana77 | 3 |
| mightywombat | 2 |
| dkeller30 |
2 |
Our venue comfortable holds 270 people, but we can squeeze 300 people in for dinner if we have to. I am planning on sending out invitations to invite a total of 350, figuring 80% actually come, we would be under the 300 number.
Our problem is, our guest list right now is over 400. A big reason it is over 400 is thanks to our parents - which is an entirely different issue. My question is, would it be tacky to send an invitation to some people for JUST drinks, dancing and dessert? So, basically inviting them after dinner? Would you be offended if you got an invitation like this? I keep going back and forth on it.
I have been over our guest list time and time again and there is just no way to cut it down to the number that we need to be safe. With a separate invitation, both sets of our parents would be happy and we could essentially invite any number of people. On the other hand, I am afraid people will feel that is it some what of a slap in the face that they don't get an invitation at all.
Thanks for the input!