Post # 1
So, for a while FI’s talked about eventually adopting a child. He doesn’t want to have kids that are genetically ours because he “doesn’t feel the need to procreate” or “there are already a lot of kids out there who need a home” and “it’s kinda like how I’d rather adopt a pet from the shelter than buy from a breeder.”
I love that he wants to adopt and have no problems doing so as well, but if we do have kids, I’d like to at least try to concieve and have a child that’s genetically ours as well. My thinking is, if we’re going to adopt a child, that means we’re already going to be parents and have a kid (or kids). I don’t see why, in that case, we couldn’t also TTC since we’ll already be parents.
I plan on bringing this up to FI, but I wanted to see if it was reasonable or not beforehand. If it was a matter of I don’t want kids ever at all or I don’t want to TTC because of health issues/medical problems, I could understand that. However, the reasons he’s given for not wanting to TTC is just that he doesn’t care to. Ideally, we’d have one adopted and one conceived. Or two adopted, one concieved (I like the idea of 3 kids). Not going through pregnancy and giving birth is something I can deal with, I just don’t see why not if we’ll have kids anyways. I’d at least like to try.
Post # 3
@HonoraryNerd: It seems like it is definitely the right thing to talk about how you are feeling. As you know, big decisions like how/when you will become parents are a constantly evolving discussion.
I have felt strongly about having both a biological child and adopting, but my DH is against adoption at this time. (So for now, I support kids in need in other ways.) We did decide that if I could not get pregnant without medical help, we would go straight to adoption. I have done a fair amount of research about adoption as well and it strikes me a challenging process. Now, being a parent is a challenge in itself. This is my own opinion and I would never judge how anyone else chooses to become a parent. But I have serious personal/ethical concerns about international adoption and private domestic infant adoption and foster-adopt through the state seems like a very long, hard road. I do feel that having a biological first is preferable for us, as I’d like to have parenting experience under my belt before looking to adopt another child.
Post # 4
@HonoraryNerd: If trying to conceive naturally is important to you you need to talk to him about it! It’s such an important decision to make to decide whether to have children or adopt, and if you settle for something different than what you want you might regret it and resent your SO.
Post # 5
For some people they have no drive to have their own biological children yet they still want to be parents. If you can watch the film “stuck” it’s on Netflix. One of the families they follow wanted to have kids but only through adoption. (Plus as a person of an adopted family it explains the process quiet wonderfully!) to me I get his logic. However I also get yours. Too! I wish you the best of luck in coMing to an agreement!
Post # 6
In this situation, I am your DH. I also really REALLY did not want to deal with pregnancy and birth. We discussed it and reached a compromise- one biological and mostly likely one adopted. We are currently pregnant with our one biological child, and will foster to adopt a few years down the road.
I can understand that people have strong feelings about this, but if it is possible to conceive naturally and you would like to do so, your idea sounds like an ideal compromise.
Post # 7
I have the same feelings as your husband. I would feel incredibly guilty giving birth to a child only for genetic purposes. I have always felt that way and have cleared it with ny SO, if he didn’t feel the same way I’d be worried about the conversation you’re planning coming up between us.
Post # 8
@seabyme: Stuck was amazing. I totally agree. There are many documentaries about the adoption process and orphaned and abandoned children.
Post # 9
Thanks for the comments, I appreciate all the input. I know I need to talk to him about it regardless. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t jumping to conclusions with my thought process before hand. If the overwhelming concensus was that it’s stupid to think having kids naturally would be ok if we’re already parents through adoption, that the two ideas were too far apart, I might re-evaluate before talking to him. I wouldn’t want to come across the wrong way when it comes to what can be a touchy subject. Not that I’d expect him to react badly, but I like to have my bases covered.
Post # 10
I definitely don’t think this is something you should roll over on– If you want to carry a biological child, I think you should definitely be able to!
Post # 11
Before I met FI, I realized that I’d really like to go through both the experiences of adopting a child and having a child biologically, and I’d love to have 3 or 4 children total. Eventually this came up while talking with now-FI, and happily, he’s on the same page with total number, and originally I don’t think he really thought about adopting, but happily he decided he thinks it’s a really nice idea. So I think wanting to do both is very valid!
One thing that I think worth noting is that adopting can be very tough, and adopted children can present a lot of challenges. You may very well not know the medical histories of your child’s biological family, and even if you adopt a newborn, they may have issues from before they were in your care. And if you want to foster a child before adopting, you may lose him or her, and have your heart broken. FI has said that he couldn’t go the foster-and-then-adopt route because of that risk.
So I really love the idea of providing an existing child that needs a home with ours, and feeling like we really have the resources to provide with their set of possible challenges, but also making a couple of our own, because we’re pretty awesome, so they should be pretty awesome too 🙂
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
Since the beginning, many a year ago, my husband and I agreed we’d have one biological child and, if we wanted a second, we’d adopt. We also decided that if we couldn’t conceive, we’d have no problem adopting. If you want a biological child, maybe ask your fi if he’d be ok with that approach. We ended up having a bit of an oops baby, and at this point we’re happy being one and done. However we maintain that if we change our minds, we’ll try the adoption route. Oh, and we’d like to adopt for the same reason- so many children need homes already, and we’d love to provide a loving home for a child in need.
Post # 13
@HonoraryNerd: I don’t know what to say, maybe he’d agree to conceiving if you also adopt, but it’s hard to tell.
If he’s like me, though, he may resist it. I’d donate my genetic material to someone else who couldn’t conceive and wanted to, but I could never bring myself to use my genetic material to have a baby myself, for exactly the same reason as your FI. There are too many unwanted children who need homes for me to feel comfortable making another one. Everyone is entitled to their own priorities, so I don’t feel like other people need to be like me, but personally I feel obligated to care for the people who are already on Earth before making more.
If this is his standpoint and it’s a strong moral value for him, you may have difficulty talking him into TTC with you. :-/
I wish you luck in finding a middle ground you can both be happy with! *hug*