Post # 1
Just as some background info we are an inter-racial/inter-faith couple, I am a white Christian and my fiance is a Pakistani Muslim. Our relationship has been met with some oppostion from his family despite the fact he is doing nothing wrong according to Islam by marrying a Christian woman. His closest family seems to have come around to it more lately, although there are still a few things that are hard at times it is definitely getting better.
Now I need advice regarding his extended family. His mother has said they will all want/expect to come and be disappointed if they don’t but it is our choice. Firstly, there is a LOT of them, I mean if we invited everyone we are talking hundreds just on his side alone. We’re on a fairly tight budget as it is and really not sure we can afford it. I think we could explain this and kind of “get away with it” on that reason but now something else has cropped up…..
My fiance would like some of his first cousins to attend…but not their parents (his aunties and uncles etc). This is not to be mean or really related to cutting down numbers either – this is because he feels they will be unkind about our relationship due to it being inter-racial/inter-faith and will simply want to come to “smirk” and “gossip”. Because of this I completely understand why he would not want them there. At the same time though, he is worried that inviting their “children” (all grown up now) and not them will cause offence.
I have said to him that maybe he needs to trust his gut instinct and consider a few factors. Firstly are they REALLY likely to be unkind and secondly, should one of them have a party/event would we BOTH be welcome to it? As this is OUR wedding I would hope they would come to support US not to be unkind or to only support him and not our relationship. Also though he needs to consider the possibility of causing offence and whether or not he can handle that.
Any advice on this or whether it would be reasonable to invite the cousins and not the aunties and uncles?
Post # 3
I don’t think there is any polite way to invite the cousins, but not their parents. If they want to smirk and gossip, there is really nothing you can do about it. If there is concern that they would do something really disruptive (interrupt the ceremony), hire security. If it’s just pettiness, don’t worry about it. Anybody could be bitchy about anything. Honestly, you two will probably never even notice them.
Post # 4
i don’t think this is reasonable. it would have to be the whole family or none.
Post # 5
Thanks for the input guys 🙂 But I would like to point out that it is more than likely that should these aunties or uncles host an event, my fiance would be invited but I probably would not. If that is the case then is it still unreasonable?
Post # 6
I think this might a time when your FI discusses this plan with his immediate family members and use their advice about how it might go.
I personally feel that people should invite just those they WANT to attend their wedding rather than those they feel obligated to invite………..but many people feel differently about it.
Post # 7
Based on your further comment that they would not invite you to an event, I think you absolutely should invite them. By inviting them as a couple you are showing that you want to be part of the family. By leaving them out, you are only giving them grounds on which to leave you out. Take the high road and invite them and then if they leave you out, you have a legit gripe and they should understand when he does not attend without you.
Post # 8
If his side of the family is going to help pay for the large amount of people that would come by inviting everyone related to them, then I think it would be fine to invite the naysayers and if they truly don’t agree with the relationship, they won’t come. Maybe the cousins can remind their parents that a wedding is for those who support the relationship, not for those who want to be rude and find fault with the couple for being “different”. Also, how many first cousins? If it is only a few then maybe it can be phrased as these are the people that he is really close to, and just because you’re family doesn’t mean you’re close and can get invited to the wedding. But if it’s ALL his cousins and not just a few, it may be suspicious and it may be like ok well you might as well invite all their parents at this point.
Post # 9
@ItWasntMe: That is kind of what I think but at the same time I know I’ll end up feeling guilty about it (just who I am lol)
@slicey19: That sounds like a good idea, but I guess the problem is according to my fiance I realistically may never be invited to things as the elders of the community/family disapprove of me being white and not a Muslim. The younger generation are more open minded. But having said that my fiance’s father thinks it will be fine once we’re married, so maybe your suggestion is the way to go in terms of getting the ball rolling to building bridges.
@jumpthegun: As far as I am aware his family are not contributing but my family are. He doesn’t intend to invite all his first cousins, just the ones he is close to.