Post # 1
My entire family lives in the same city, so everyone is 25 minutes or less away from everyone else. This includes my brother and his wife. Her family is four hours away. They travel there frequently (makes sense to me) but spend EVERY holiday in Cleveland. I get that this is up to them, but I think it’s weird to NEVER spend holidays with one side (assuming that everyone is pleasant and respectful).
Does anyone else do this? If so, why? is this a little weird to anyone else?
Since they spend several days surrounding each holiday with her parents, they always pick a random day a week before or after the holiday and expect everyone to get together because “We’ll miss you on the holidays.” This annoys me since we barely have enough time to see each other, and then they expect us to spend an extra night with them, always around their schedule. We all try hard to make it on the day or we just accept the fact that they will celebrate on the day and don’t expect anyone to plan around us. For thanksgiving, they announced that they were having a family dinner three days prior; FH was working, I already had plans so we didn’t go. They made a HUGE fuss about it. Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
I think its really their decision who they spend their holidays with, they probably decided to always spend holidays with her family since she barely gets to see thehm during the year. However if they always inconvience you by creating their own holiday a week before or after, I can understand how that will get tedious after a while. But I would just politely say, that you’d love to be there but have plans and ignore any fuss that they make about it
Post # 4
Don’t allow them to make you have an extra night with them if you don’t want to.
Generally holidays are shared between families however I agree with the above post that it’s their decision. I can understand your family being put out by that though.
Post # 5
I would say it is strange that they don’t spend ANY of the Holidays with your family but that is their decision not yours. What I do not find right is that they expect the rest of your family to make arrangements to accomodate their wishes. They should not feel entitled to you being available when they want you to be and they should not make a fuss when it doesn’t happen that way.
I would say next time they suggest a day to hold a holiday and it does not work with your schedule, suggest another date or time that you would be available to celebrate with them. If that does not work then don’t get too worked up if they are mad. Not everyone has unlimited time or days off to celebrate on a non-holiday date.
Post # 6
I see where you’re coming from. My sister has an “expectation” that we’ll all be available whenever she, my BIL and their kids are available for family gatherings. It really gets under my skin. There’s no general email with a “what dates is everyone available” type consideration, it’s just “We’re doing ____ on ______, you’re there or you’re not”. Lovely. Thanks a lot. I have to bite my tongue around them a lot.
It would be nice of your brother and his wife to maybe alternate between families on holidays, but I can see their side of the coin on that one too. Maybe next time cut to the chase before they do and send out an email or call everyone and propose a couple of dates that might work for everyone.
Post # 7
Just to clarify- I am not upset that they don’t celebrate the holidays with us, in fact, sometimes it’s nice because there is less drama. I do find it weird and wanted to know if this was common.
My parents officially do the celebration of the holiday on the day and whoever can come, great- with as many people as there are and three of us have crazy work schedules with holidays, so that is probably the best way to do it. What annoys me is that they expect us to spend the limited amount of time we have together with them, and around their schedule. I don’t even think they like us, because they only call when they want something but want to get together with the “whole family.”
Post # 8
I totally get how it would be frustrating that they make you change your plans around to accomodate them. Especially if it happens regularly. That’s not fair to the rest of you.
I know that my FI and I spend more holidays with my family, but to us there is good reasoning behind it. My grandparents are getting quite old and my grandma only cooks for christmas and thanksgiving, and those are the meals my family grew up dreaming about (she’s an amazing cook). She gets really excited about cooking for us on those occasions and because we don’t live in the same city as them, it’s a big deal to be able to be there for the holidays. I know that it may seem weird to my FI’s family, but we want to be with my grandparents as often as we can. That said though, we would never make everyone else rearrange their schedules, we just come later in the evening.
Post # 9
Do they EXPECT you to, or do they simply ask you to and say that they’d miss you over the holidays?
If they didn’t like you, they certainly wouldn’t be suggesting to meet. You said there is less drama around when they’re not there and I think they probably feel the same way and that’s why thye don’t come.
Post # 10
I’m coming from the same situation. My FH and I live 3 hours away from our entire families (siblings, parents, aunts and uncles- everyone). We only get a limited amount of time to go home each holiday season. As much as it sucks, if people want to be with us, they have to work around our schedule. We can’t just stay in town one day. And while everyone else can pop in, or do other things, they only get to see us about once every two months. We don’t like living this far away, but my FH is in law school here and we don’t really have a choice. We’d like to see everyone as much as we can, and it’s easier if everyone is there at once.
They shouldn’t make too big of a fuss about it, but it’s really frustrating to live so far away and miss out on so much, and then when you are home, have everyone tell you that “they’re busy.” The people that live far away just want to see you, and they want to feel like they’re still included.
Post # 11
Things have gotten worse. My brother texted me last night asking whether FH was working Thursday night. (FH works overnight about twice a week.) I knew what they meant was they wanted to do a “family christmas” then since they will be gone from Christmas eve to several days after Christmas. The thing that annoys me is they assume that if he isn’t working, he is free and I have nothing better to do regardless. FH isn’t working that night, as he will be recovering from a 30 hour shift the night before. While he isn’t thrilled, he told me that if I want him to go, he will. I already have three things that evening I am trying to decide between.
I responded that I didn’t know what FH was doing, and what’s going on? They responded (EARLY this morning) that they were having everyone over for dinner. I haven’t responded, an now am getting texts from others about whether we will be there. How would you respond? Thanks!
Post # 12
My husband’s family does random holidays. He’s a cop, and his sister is a nurse, so they’re not often both off on the actual days, and we have to be shared sometimes with my family and sister’s FI’s family. It works out well enough for us… but it never occurred to me that his parents might feel like their kids only want to get together “on their schedule”.
If they took your schedule more into account would it still bother you?
Post # 13
@SapphireSun: It doesn’t bother me that they spend all the holidays with her family. If that were the end of it, I would actually be really happy about it. It’s that they want to have all holidays celebrated twice on their behalf and they expect us to drop whatever plans we have to do it.