(Closed) Is your FI too involved?

posted 9 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe he could be in charge of the rehearsal dinner and you could be in charge of the reception?  Or he does the Ceremony and you do the Reception (or vice versa)?

Post # 4
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Is he giving you his own ideas when he shoots down yours or is he just shooting them down because they’re too different? You might want to show him blogs, magazines, etc. where you found your ideas to show him they’re not outrageous suggestions, but pretty common wedding ideas now.

You shouldn’t have to throw out all your ideas to make your FI happy. You can compromise. Pick the elements that are most important to you and focus on those. Let FI have his way on not having OOT bags or other aspects of the wedding he feels strongly about. 

Post # 5
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

no way I planned everything; thats only because he lives in europe

little sad planning alone

Post # 6
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Having a TOO involved FI can be the worst thing ever- mine is constantly changing things and making decisions without my involvement! Mine is the exact same way- he shoots down anything he thinks is "too much"… including a DROP of color on our wedding cake (I have  had longtime dreams of a colorful cake), the ties I picked out for him, etc!

 Sorry if this isnt a helpful post I am just totally feeling your pain! We are 2 months away from our date and I am having the hardest time seeing vendors because I have to accomodate his schedule on top of mine and theirs… my other engaged friend suggested I just do it on my own from this point on! its too stressful to always agree!

Post # 7
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House

Mr. Bruschetta’s planning the honeymoon, and that’s keeping him PLENTY busy!  In both of our cases, we check in with one another to run our ideas past each other, but we’re each "responsible" for different things.

Post # 8
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

My husband wanted to be involved in a lot…not everything, but a lot! While it was extremely wonderful to have his support with everything, it was sometimes frustrating to have to work around everyone’s schedule and we didn’t always see eye to eye on things. Compromise is hard, but a part of marriage as well as wedding planning!

My suggestion is to take the things that mean the most to you and come to him with those. If he shoots everythign down, tell him that you both need to give a few things up since you’re in this together. You don’t want the wedding to be all about his ideas any more than he wants the wedding to be all your ideas.

Once you guys agree on stuff, it will be more fun to plan together. Nothing is better than having support with planning.

Post # 9
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have a similar problem – except the FI has very specific ideas on EVERYTHING.  I show him some options, and he has a problem with them for one reason or another.  And when I ask him what does he want instead, he can’t articulate it and just says, "I’m not sure, but I don’t want THAT."  He takes forever to make up his mind and takes a while to find an option he likes when he researches it on his own.  It’s making the planning really challenging and now I’m worried because we are running out of time.  He is literally picking everything down to the pocketfolds for the invitations – doesn’t like the ones that the inserts go in sideways, wants toploading, but wants the whole pocketfold to open from the side.  I’m having a really hard time even being motivated to plan anything, but the wedding is only 3 months away!  AGH!

Post # 10
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Well, if he’s shooting down all your ideas, it’s turning into HIS wedding, not yours together!

I would point that out. Tell him the things that are most important to you with LOTS of beautiful pictures and make sure he knows those are the things that you are willing to compromise a bit on, but that they are VERY important. Then give him the chance to do the same. 

If you can, find the thread about "things you hate about other people’s weddings" and see if any of the "cookie cutter" ideas are on there… if he knows your guests might not be happy, would he stick with it?

Good luck and best wishes!

Post # 11
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My FI has very specific ideas about a few certain things (especially the ceremony and the cake) so we have just kind of decided that some things will default to my preference and some will default to his. We never discussed this, it just turned out that way. I think its because I never really had a specific image in my head of what I wanted my wedding to be, just fun. He is in the same boat, we just want people to have fun and enjoy the day.

A few topics that we have discussed and not yet decided upon are OOT bags, which he thinks would be too complicated since a majority of our guests are coming from out of town. I think he is right, but we may compromise by at least doing maps and brochures for the area.

We also went back and forth over the favors. First we were going to do something non-edible. Then we couldn’t find anything not-cheesy that we could afford, so we were gonna do Jordan Almonds (b/c that’s what his family "always does"). We nixed that idea though because its just not us, and now we have taken on the momentous task of making homemade chocolate truffles with various flavored fillings and wrapping four up per couple in a cute box. I make truffles as gifts at Christmas and everyone loves them, but it is very time consuming. We have orderd the equipment and packaging, so we are commited. Its going to be long, hard and tedious, but fun!

That said, he does have a tendency to be unresponsive of a few ideas that I shoot past him, then object about choices I have made after the fact. Example: "What colors are you thinking about for our wedding?" His response: "White." So I chose my favorite colors = BRIGHT. I went with Yellow Orange and White (with a bit of Red thrown in here and there). One day we’re grocery shopping and I point out the lemons and oranges and mention that those are the colors, and he says "Yeah those are probably the LAST two colors I would have chosen." I said too bad, you should have piped up when I asked ya!!

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

yes. Its endearing one minute and frustrating the next!! haha

Post # 14
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My fiance can be like that too!  He shot down sooo many my ideas in the beginning.  He thought about them and came around on some of them, though, so maybe he just needs some time to get past the cookie cutter wedding thing? 

Post # 15
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m having the same problem and I have to keep telling myself it’s not a problem– it’s a good thing.  If I want anything that’s out of the ordinary he says things like ‘I’ve never heard of that before, why do you always want to be different?’ Or any DIY idea I have, he gets really negative and says stuff like, you’re going to stress yourself out, we don’t need that…’ It’s very frustrating. Why can’t he just not care like most grooms. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree that if you should give him something to direct and not full reign! You are really early into planning and most of your ideas will become more narrow as you move along. As it becomes more clear, than try to include him.

I agree that its hard at first. I even had a post about something similar to this. I found a picture I loved … just the colors … and to my fiance, he said the picture looked evil … lol. It was an ad from like L’oreal for lipstick or something and I loved the colors combined, but he hated it.

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