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I'm still ten months out and am getting really annoyed with the random acquaintances (ie neighbors down the street I haven't seen in ten years, or creepy girls who were in my girlscout troop in 7th grade)who are assuming they'll be invited to the wedding!! Both of these instances came about from my bridesmaid or mom being asked about the wedding and then people saying "Oh! I can't wait to see her as a bride, when's the wedding?" and then people talking about how fun the wedding will be. I'm firm and insist that I only want people I'm close with or HELLO, actually KNOW, at my wedding, but my parents (who I am fortunate to have paying for a bulk of it) keep saying they'll just invite people to avoid hurt feelings. Advice about this? How do you handle it when it comes up in conversation? I've only had one person tell me to my face "I'm invited, right?", but I've noticed people starting to hint at it on facebook, etc (And I am not even facebooking about the wedding because I knew it would attract people who wanted to come...) Anyways, I hope I don't sound like a total bit*h but I am getting irritated!! How do you handle this??
Oh aren't people nutso? Weddings just bring out the crazy in everyone...
I have some childhood friends who have been assuming they're invited & I saw some extended, EXTENDED family & they were talking like they were going to make the trek cross country to be at my wedding. Crazy!
I've actually not said anything to them yet... luckily I have time on my side before I can say I've decided on a final guest list. At the same time, it's kind of rude to assume you're invited- so why can't we be equally as rude & tell them they aren't invited ( or just not tell them at all)? Sigh.
I think the best approach is to say you're keeping it to close family & family friends (if thats applicable!) or blame the size of your venue. Hehe :)
That's a good one about venue size!! I just keep thinking as I walk down the aisle, I want to see faces that I know and love, not faces that are there just out of "Oh, we didn't want to hurt their feelings!"
I'm in my last semester at school and I have the most random people in classes asking me when they are getting an invite. I haven't talked to these people more than a quick hello in passing. I simply tell them that it's 3 hours away and they have to camp and most back off 
Exactly! You want to be surrounded by your closest loved ones & friends... I get you!
I just can't understand why so many people assume they're invited when they have little to no relationship with the couple. Most of the people who have assumed they're invited have never even met my FI nor do they know his name!
I would NEVER do that & just invite myself! Yikes :)
@Ireland - Exactly!!! I just don't get it... It's good you have camping as a convenient excuse, and how fun that sounds!!
@Recessionista - Same here!! The neighbors I mentioned I haven't seen in over ten years - they've never met my fiance - and my parents see them on the street maybe once a month! I would NEVER invite myself either, but I guess some people just assume....I mean, c'mon, weddings are crazy expensive!
I've read other bees posts about this and thought I would never experience this myself but:
I recently got reconnected with someone that I hadn't spoken to in 12 years and during our second conversation, she said "I'm invited, right?" ??? She started calling me to vent about all her issues with her family right away (nothing much has changed in those 12 years) so I stopped returning her calls and I won't have to deal with her but I couldn't believe she just asked like that! People are whacked!
i think im going to start a business where brides can contract me to phone these rude and dilusional people to explain how it works in the real world and how their comments and expections are just stupid and rude
and the premium package will have me going to their homes/place of work/school and i get to slap some reality into them
whew.. i feel much better now :)
@eloping- You are too funny! Can you also take care of the crazies that add extra guests to their RSVP?
Dear eloping, I'd hire you! It's funny sometimes when random people think they're invited.
I'm not even engaged yet and I've got people assuming this, among other things.
I live abroad, as part of an expat community, and one of the families will be going home next year, the same time I'm going home (to the States) to get married. My boss told them recently how nice it would be for them that they'd get to go to my wedding. I have no intention of inviting them; most of the people here I'm only friends with because of proximity!
I would just say Well we haven't set our guest list yet, so were not sure who's invited or not... Something I wish someone would have told me when I was at your stage.
I have no problem saying no to people but my mom is a different story. She's all about the guilt invite and I told her point blank that she is having nothing to do with the invitations. I'm picking them out, I'm mailing them out. She just has to get me addresses for her people and if there are people on there that I don't want on there, then I'm not sending them an invitation. Done and done.
Yep, I've definitely had a few crazies who I'm not even close with, and have never been, assuming they're invited. One actually said to me, "Oh, I'll just see your dress at the wedding, right?" I said nothing....and he repeats, "Right?" I still said nothing. It was awkward, but I wasn't going to tell him he's invited! I just couldn't believe it!
We had that...in droves, actually. Our church is huge, and I sing all of the time. So, people THINK they know me, when they actually don't. Many people would ask me about the wedding, and as I answered their insincere question, they would practically mow my answer over with what they really wanted to know, "Am I going to get to be invited?"
My boss's son is one of my very good friends, and he is invited. So, anytime I need a couple of hours off or a day off for wedding stuff, my boss brings up how he's not invited. No joke! It's annoying. But I would calmly tell them that it's a smaller, intimate wedding. It's true in my case, but those are very non-commital descriptions that can really save you. And the venue thing - that's genius.
O yea ppl are seriously crazy!
Recently my FH's cousin by marriage was like "I know I'm invited" and i was like no, actually you're not. She looked really dumb in the face. I was so annoyed! You're only his cousin by marriage and then you're not even that close with him.
O and then there's this crazy e-stalker on facebook who just kept asking me if he was invited..let me just say that I never met this person before he befriended me on facebook. At first I just kept ignoring the question cuz I'm like this guy can't be serious but after he kept asking I finally was just like "no you're not invited I don't know you and my fiancee doesn't know you".
Ppl get on my nerves....seriously!
The "friends from high school" thing hasn't happened to me because I no longer live in my hometown.
However, one of my BMs (college friend) was telling me that she was talking to a mutual acquaintince (who i haven't seen since college, but talk to on FB) and she was like, "OMG, aren't you so excited about how much fun HotChildintheCity's wedding is going to be?! I am!"
My friend was like, "you're not inviting her, are you?" No. freakin. way.
I didn't have this problem at all.
But it probably wasn't due to the tact of the people around me. It was probably because my mom and my fiance just included everyone and their mother (literally) in the guest list so everyone who thought they would be invited was actually invited.
For our enagegment party the number grew so much in the final week due to my mother and my fi mother realizing they had to invite other people because they "heard about the event". Just because someone knows its happening does not mean they need to be invited. I have a feeling the same thing will happen for our wedding.
Also we already have friends who just assume all of their friends will also be invited. If I haven't personally kept in touch with you then you are not invited. I can't invite everyone I have ever been friends with since kindergarden, it's just not feasible.
i actually hate this part somone people i HAVE to invite i dont even really like lol
I've got a similar situation... I've had 2 girls who aren't close friends of mine or my FI (more like acquaintances, only see/talk to them at parties organized by friends). Problem is, they both hooked me up with very useful contacts for the wedding. Girl #1 gave me a contact for an awesome photographer who'll give us an excellent deal for doing the wedding photos & has already done our engagement photos for free! Girl #2 introduced me to a friend of hers who is just starting out and wants to be a wedding florist so she won't be as expensive as an established florist. So now, I feel like I owe them and must invite to the wedding. but that'll be an extra 4 people (since both of them will be bringing dates!). At $80 - $90 per person, that's not going to be cheap!
Not only that, Girl #2 (who has known my FI for around 8 years but only in passing, she never hung out with his regular group of friends) has been really lobbying to be invited to the wedding! the first time i met her was just this summer, a month after we got engaged. already she's been telling our friends at the party "oh, i'll just be so-and-so date". yikes!
i'm like everyone else, i'm not saying anything about the wedding anymore on facebook (both of them are my FB friends).
So how do I not invite these 2 girls (and their "plus one") to the wedding without looking like an ingrate? I do appreciate what they've done since both of the people they connected me to (photog & florist) are just starting out and won't be charging as much. I live in the SF bay area, and lemme tell ya, wedding photog is shockingly expensive!
thanks!!
Dude, this didn't even stop for us AFTER the wedding. It's been three weeks now and people who were AT the wedding keep asking me 'how come so and so didn't make it?' and I have to keep telling people 'because they were not invited' JEEZ.
I guess I'm lucky! I don't have alot of friends (after the baby and career!) and we have a med. sized tight knit family, so we really don't HAVE to exclude anyone! Good luck to you guys!
Ugh, yes I've been dealing with this ALOT! It amazes me how many people will just come out and say "I'm invited, right?" Um...no. I've just been telling people that we're keeping it to family and very close friends only.
I hear you!!
So we went to a mutual friend's wedding this summer, when we were just engaged. I didn't even have a ring on my finger, and at least two groups came up to us at this wedding to tell us, "We can't wait to dance at your wedding!" Um -- that's really sweet but I barely know you and we haven't spoken in years! I have a big family! I can't invite you, sorry!
Then three old friends corralled me and pretty much asked point-blank if they were invited.
All of these people were aware that our wedding is two years away. Sheesh. I've never felt so popular in my life! 
Haha miss sequoia, that's a good way to look at it, we're popular! :)
Glad to know I'm not alone with this!
if you do feel indebted to those two girls, it is because they did you a favor. return the favor with a thank you card, and if you really really really feel they should receive something of monetary value (even though it doesnt sound like they have spent a dime on you), you may include a starbucks card with a thought about good deeds being rewarded.
if someone gave you a plate of cookies and mentioned your weding, would you need to invite them?
OMG - yeah i actually had an "friend" just blirt out during conversation with her about random wedding stuff that she instigated and i wasnt really engaged in "are you being vague because you dont know or because im not invited?" seriously who asks that?!?!
GAAAAAh!
Somebody wrote on my facebook wall that they're happy I found "the dress" and above mentioned creepy girl wrote under it "Can't wait to see it at your wedding!" Some people just DON'T GET IT!!!
I wish I was meaner and could just say, you're not coming to my wedding. So you'll never see it!
@eloping: sounds to me like you'd make quite a killing with this new business of your's.
Oh the randoms. I started a new-old job recently so naturally I bumped into a few people who I once worked with. FI works in the same building and he did a great job of spreading the news to only those who we wanted to know. Unfortunately his tactfulness ended when everyone saw me wearing my ring.
I think I have the biggest NUTJOB on my hands. Get this, a co-worker of mine went so far as assuming she would be part of the bridal party. She even wanted to talk colour schemes to make sure she could find the right dress. Eeeek!
my dad feels strongly that people who want to come to a wedding, should be able to come. imagine how surprised I was when my second cousins, whom I never see and rarely talk to, started calling me wanting to know the details of my wedding so they could buy plane tickets!
I had to gently and respectfully explain that our wedding was small, only immediate family and friends. Awkward :/
I'm having this problem, too. Bees, please help me come up with a tactful response because I'm not sure how to deal with this situation.
Fiance proposed a month ago. We got a few engagement cards in the mail from family and friends, but I also got one from an old roommate I had 3 years ago and haven't talked to much except via facebook everyone once in a while since then. Her card said Congrats. Let me know where you're registered.
I wrote her a quick facebook message and thanked her for the card and said we just got engaged, are taking things slowly, and haven't even thought about registries.
Come this week. We went to a tasting and are booking our reception venue. I posted something on my status on facebook about it, and now the old roommate writes on my wall something along the lines of"how was the tasting? any updates?"
We've picked our ceremony site, and it can hold 100. We have to limit our guest list, and honestly, I have no inclination to put her on there. So she sent me a card and a few facebook messages, but she hasn't been INVOLVED in my life in the past 3 years, lives out of state, and hasn't even met my fiance. There are plenty of closer friends we'd like to invite, and honestly, even some of them won't make the cut since we really have to limit the list.
So what do I do? Do I just ignore the messages from here out? Or do I write back some vague answer and hope she gets the hint that we are having a SMALL wedding?
I recently had this problem because I'm inviting some friends that I work with but not everyone in my lab. I sent out Save-the-Dates and when people started talking about them, one of the non-invites was like "Oh I haven't gotten mine yet!". Ahh! Definitely awkward. I just had to straight up say they weren't invited, but it was hard because they'd heard me talking about wedding planning and had always assumed because they heard about it, they were invited. I suggest nipping these things in the bud before it gets to that point though, because I knew for months this would be a problem but avoided it out of not wanting confrontation. I'd definitely make it clear early on that you'd love to invite everyone but unfortunately you have limited space and you're really going to be looking mostly at family invites. Don't be vague sunnydebs, be specific! It's much better than having months of awkward fake wedding talk because you know they're not invited and they think they will be.
I guess we were pretty lucky because we didn't have anyone approach us, assuming they would be invited when they weren't. We did have some issues with my MIL, because she assumed that she could invite people who weren't included.
@ sunnydebs I think the best thing to do is to face this head-on. It might be hard, but at least you'll get it over with now, instead of spending the next several months delaying the inevitable. I think I'd write back to your friend and say something about how you're sorry that you can't include her, but you're keeping the wedding very small, just family and very close friends. She might be upset, but at least she'll start dealing with it now, rather than a couple months out, when she doesn't get an invitation.
That is exactly why I am NOT having the wedding in my small hometown. Everyone knows my family there, especially my dad, and everyone would expect to be invited. Blech. No thank you.
Two people I know who did have their weddings in my hometown this past summer said it was MADNESS. One girl invitied 200, but her parents and future in laws just kept adding people and then people brought other people and random people crashed and in total more than 500 people were there! That would just make me mad.
We're having the wedding in my hometown, but this one person lives over 500 miles away. They're obviously itching for an invitation, which is strange since they haven't been itching to be my friend for the past few years. Besides, they won't know anyone there. I have no obligation to invite her just because we used to be roommates. Ughhhh, I am frustrated with people assuming anything.
Thanks for the advice, bees. I'm going to send her a note and say we picked the venue, and we love it, but it means shrinking our guest list. We would have loved to have her, but due to the size of the venue, and the size of the venue, we just can't invite everyone we'd like to.
Is it true? Not really, because she never even crossed my mind as a possible guest until she started bugging me. But I guess this way, I'll at least try not to hurt her feelings.
Why, oh why, do people start coming out of the woodwork and your past to bug you about your wedding plans the second you get engaged? :-\
@sunnydebs-I wouldn't say anything or even make it into an issue this early on. What if she is just curious and making conversation?
any time someone (who is not invited) asks me about my wedding I just assume they are being nice by asking, I tell them what is going on and that's that. Most of the time people ask about wedding plans to be polite because they think you want to talk about it-nobody actually cares. And I can't say that I've ever been DYING to go to someone's wedding ..that just sounds really weird to me.
now if she comes out and says "where's the invite" you have a problem,but at this point I wouldn't do/say anything. You are going to have a lot of battles to choose from and this really isn't one to turn into melodrama.
So get this, the other night when I was at church this women behind me started to ask questions about our wedding. I honestly hadn't really talked to her much before but the question came up if I was going to have an open invitation to the church. There are currently 600 people at our church! I just looked at her. Don't get me wrong we go to one of the best churches and some of our friends will be invited but I cant invite that many people. My hubby to be and I are still in school and are doing our best and trusting God to provide, I just thought it was a funny question coming from someone I hardly know.
thanks for the advice, bees. :-)
prettylady that is absolutely nuts!
People always want to be invited! I like to think of it as the fact that everyone loves a wedding and wants to be included. The hard thing is that most people don't have the money to just have unlimited invitations! I hate the awkward "no you're not invited" thing. My FMIL and FFIL just keep adding people to the guest list and because my side of the family is so much larger, I feel bad saying no to them. But we did ask for their list 3/4 months ago! (Sorry, needed to vent!)
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