Post # 1
I’m a regular poster in hiding because I’m normally very open but this issue has been really hard for me. I had a baby about 5 months ago and my husband and I just tried to have sex again last night. I had a relatively significant bought of PPD for about 3.5 months and after that it comes and goes (the depressive symptoms.) My doctor gave me the ok at my 6 week appt, but to make sure I was ready. I had a grade 2 tear (no episiotomy) and I’m pretty sure I tore up instead of down like most people…if that makes sense. (Really only giving the info incase it’s relevant.) With the PPD and being so overwhelmed as a first time mommy, I wasn’t interested and was way too tired. We’ve fooled around but never gone the sex route until last night.
I was putting it off because I was SO afraid it would hurt. But, well I guess I couldn’t wait any longer. Well we attempted, but it was horrible. It hurt SO bad. It felt like trying to shove a tree trunk into a pin hole. (Maybe TMI 🙂 ) Now, I’m afraid to continue because I KNOW it hurts. I’m not sure if there is something I can try or if this is normal or if I should try to go back and see my doctor. I literally couldn’t even withstand the pain to get like half way in even. Not sure if it’s a lubrication issue, I just would love any advice or suggestions you bees have. Sorry if it was TMI for anyone, but I’m having a pretty rough day after that and my baby being up 4 times last night (when she normally only wakes up once.)
Post # 3
im glad you posted this. i just had my baby a week ago so im not even remotely thinking about sex yet (LOL) but i also had a 2nd degree tear from a vaginal birth with no episiotomy and wonder what it will be like when we try again.
i don’t have any experience with this, but i have read that lubrication can be an issue cause your hormones can be different (esp if you’re nursing), which can make things painful. maybe try to go heavy on the lube and see if that helps? also, probably the most important thing will be to be patient with yourself. it sounds like your partner is probably understanding…try to take it slow and im sure eventually things will get good again!
Post # 4
So sorry you had a bad “first time”. I recommend lots of lubricant, and more than that, STRETCH. Foreplay is essential, especially since it seems like your tear/healing process made you tighter. Lots of foreplay will help your opening dilate and then have your man use one finger, then two, then three. Spend as long as you need to at each stretching stage to minimize/eliminate pain (start with a minute for each finger). With such pain during intercourse, it’s likely you tore skin (that happens to me easily; I had a 3rd degree tear), and that can be very painful. While most recommend water based lubricants, I have found most success with oil-based since it doesn’t wash away as easily and prevents tearing during longer sessions. Regular sesame oil is a lifesaver for me. Also, try and find a position that doesn’t put pressure on your scar. For me, since my tear was down, sex is more comfortable when it’s angled towards my belly versus towards my rear (if that makes sense). For you, you may find it more comfortable to do the opposite. Also, if you are close to your period (if you’ve had one yet), you’ll be more sensitive so maybe wait till it passes. But, whatever you do, don’t give up! It will get better, and keeping at other forms of intimate contact will help keep the romance alive in the meantime.
Post # 5
Thanks for the support! I think our first resolution was to try some lube to see if that helps. I didn’t think i could have scarred/healed smaller than prior to baby, but that definitely what it felt like.
And I do have a SUPER understanding husband, since I kinda wanted to try to push through it and he was like, um no! I was so upset though because I want more babies and if we can’t have sex that would be a serious downer (not just because of the kids!)
Post # 6
I haven’t had my baby yet, but I have a condition called vaginismus which is where the vaginal muscles are so tight that it makes sex almost impossible. I couldn’t have sex until about 6 months ago, and the only thing that ever helped was going to a physical therapist that specialized in pelvic floor issues. It sounds odd, but they basically stretch your vaginal muscles to loosen them up like you would if you had a knee or shoulder injury- that’s the best way I can kind of describe it. Between appointments, I used a set of dilators that I bought online and did the stretches myself. I would see if maybe your gyno can suggest someone for you- it would probably be covered by your insurance. You just don’t want to keep trying and hoping it will just get better- if your brain starts connecting sex with pain, it’s going to tense up more and not help the situation (I know this from experience). Physical therapy is really helpful- feel free to message me if you have any questions or anything 🙂
Post # 7
Lubrication can be a huge issue post partum. Particularly if you are breastfeeding since your body uses most hydration for milk production. Definitely try again with LOTS of patience a lube and take it very slow. Try not to get frustrated with your body since it can make you tense up when stressed, causing it to be more uncomfortable. You will be able to have sex again. Remember, it is different for everybody after a baby.
Post # 8
I’m post baby too, and I can say that lube will be your best friend. It was painful for me, but it doesn’t sound like it’s as bad as you felt. Don’t give up, but don’t rush it either. For me it still hurts initially, but then I relax and it gets better. If you are stressed or tense, it will be worse.
Post # 9
I’ll second the advice about lube, and trying different positions (some don’t bother me at all, some are a little uncomfortable, and I think it has to do with where I tore). I think another thing that has helped me is that I told DH that for the first few times, when I was really nervous about it, I wanted to be the one to initiate. And what I would do is spend some time by myself, trying to get myself in the mood and more relaxed- that way I didn’t feel pressure to move things along faster than I wanted to to make DH happy (not that he’d ever pressure me, but I’d feel bad). And when I was feel pretty good on my own, THEN I’d go (more or less) pounce on DH. That way I felt like I could go at my own pace warming up, so to speak, and if it turned out that I didnt’ feel like it after all, or if it hurt, I could forget about it without hurting his feelings or anything. Does that make sense? Sorry if that is TMI.
I’ve been lucky- DS is 3 and a half months old, and sex is fine for us, but I have several friends who said their kids were close to a year old before sex was really totally comfortable again, so it can sometimes take a while, but it DOES get better.
In the meantime, maybe engage in some intimacy that doesn’t necessarily involve penetration? That way you also don’t have to worry about making more babies 🙂
Post # 10
Just take it slow. Our first time after was less than great – I was super uncomfortable but the time after was much better. Give it a week or so and give it another go with the tips the other bees recommended. Just let your husband know if you’re uncomfortable but don’t give up completely or both of you will get frustrated.
Post # 11
Your right or left hand can be your best friend the same as it is for a man. You can use some lube and manually stimulate yourself, gradually stetching the opening of the vagina as you stimulate yourself. This just helps to get you used to the idea that your genital area can be a souce of sexual pleasure again. You can do this alone when you have a few minutes of peace and quiet(not that you get that very often with a newborn), or you and your husband can both ensure that it is done before attempting intercourse.
Hormones and anxiety often play a role in the discomfort after childbirth. If you think about it for a minute, your baby fit through your vaginal opening so obviously your husband’s penis can too.
Post # 12
Remember when you had sex for the first time and it hurt? You have to re-stretch things out, and make sure you have enough lubrication. It’s really important to try again and get over the hurdle!
Post # 13
Thank you all so much for the helpful advice! We tried again last night with a little bit of extra foreplay and it went much more smoothly, although still pretty uncomfortable definitely a step in the right direction! Thanks again!!!