Weddingbee boards

So I have posted about this before: the issue with what name to call my FMIL. I've always known fiance's parents as their first names.

She hasn't yet demanded that I call her Mom, but I think she's trying to get me to warm up to the idea at the moment. It sure is making me uncomfortable, although if she does insist, I *might* call her that. 

Some background info:  My FMIL and I have had major issues in the past. I have a love-hate relationship with her. So does her son(he admits it). She is really nice, caring, warm, generous, and welcoming at times. She hugs me, etc. However, like 8 months ago and before that she was extremely meddlesome, controlling, manipulative, intimidating, trying to break us up, jealous, criticizing me behind my back, you name it. She has gotten a lot better now, but still can be a bit controlling, overbearing and give unsolicited advice. Just a year ago, entering her house would literally make me feel sick. She would try to avoid me or hardly acknowledge me(even the brother would do this). In fact there were times we secretly dated until she found out, or kept the plans/details of our wedding and the date secret until closer to the time. So we got a late start to planning the wedding because we took so long to tell his family The Date. Things are okay, except for her occasional threats of not coming to our wedding or being apart of her son's life anymore, if he doesn't do what she says and makes her angry. (empty threats, I guess) Then she'll show up to the wedding/bridal showers or see us and act as if she never said such a thing. She also has been trying to tell me what I *should* do in all areas of my wedding, from colors, to flowers, to favors, and even our honeymoon. Even demand that we sleep apart the night before the wedding. Like, I said, I have a love hate relationship with her and I think it sometimes stems from differing values/viewpoints that cause conflicts between us. He's also the first born, so it's always hardest for that child. But we do both try to improve our relationship and like eachother a lot. I still always feel a little nervous when going over to her house. It's odd, because my fiance's brother has a new girlfriend, who is very young(20), and they haven't been dating that long, but she is more comfortable around the family than I am. I still haven't felt okay enough to *spend the night* there, while the new girlfriend does.

Anyways, the issue is about her name. She started signing emails to me with her name, then AKA Mom, shortly after she learned The Date(this summer). I pretty much ignored it and still addressed her as her first name. My own mother saw one of the emails and asked me if I was going to call FMIL mom. I said, no your my only Mom. Well after awhile, I think FMIL dropped the issue. Well recently, she did that again. This time the email was to both my fiance and myself. But my fiance said something to me about it and said, "I think my mom wants you to call her Mom. You should call her Mom." I ignored that he said that. Then, she signed another email with just Mom, to both of us. (I assumed she just meant for her son) 

Well, yesterday, she was at my wedding shower thrown by my coworkers. When I opened the card it was signed by Mom and Dad Last Name. Well the person writing down the list of gifts asked who it was from. I said, it's from my fiance's parents. She asked, what's her name, I said FMIL's First Name. Well, FMIL chimes in, IN FRONT OF everyone, "Mom and Dad Last Name." This completely embarrassed me, but I just was speechless, I didn't say anything in response to that, I think I just smiled.

So anyways, I think she is just trying to get me to warm up to the idea, as my wedding is in a month. I'm sure she will probably say something to me later on, instead of continually implying it. I think it would have to grow on me, as it has a little bit. Because it really makes me uncomfortable at the moment. For one thing, her kids might think it's weird, even though fiance doesn't apparently. She isn't even old enough to be my mother (unless she was a 16 yr old teen mom). 

Now most people would say, she just wants you to feel included as part of her family. Well she does keep saying, "we're all happy to have you be apart of our family." Maybe it makes her feel weird to have her DIL call her by her first name, I don't know. (Another weird part is that she has a poor relationship with her own MIL and doesn't call her Mom. She calls her Grandma Last Name So maybe she wants it to be different between us) I think I would feel even weirder calling her Mom Last Name. I would rather just call her Mom if she insisted I call her one of those. I am worried that she wants me to call her Mom, because she wants to establish some sort of social totem pole. So that I view her more as a Mother figure and respect her like one, or maybe follow her unsolicited advice more often. My fiance actually almost agrees on that. As you can see I am very undecided about this subject, but she often gets her way in life. I would probably do what she says. It's just that the thought of it is awkward/uncomfortable feeling for me right now. I actually read a statistic that 76% of people call their FMIL by their first name, 11% call them Mom only because she insists, and the rest call her Mom because they want to. I think I would be part of the 11%!

You can tell this is really bothering me because I wrote such a long post about it! Sorry!

@starry: Our stories are very similar. My issue with my MIL, and maybe the same with yours, is that I don't trust her motives. She says she loves me, hugs me, sends gifts, but I don't TRUST that the actions are coming from a loving part of her. It SOUNDS horrible and ingrateful, but the woman's track record of ACTIONS don't match up with the "love" that she says she feels for us.

My MIL signs things "Mommy" and I totally assume that it's just for her son's benefit that she does this ( I think it's halarious and he thinks it's horrendously embarassing.)

Based on this vantage point, I'm inclined to think that it is a bit of a control move, in order to get you in line as one of the "children." When I've had issues with my MIL, one of the things I have to remind myself of is that she is NOT MY MOTHER at all. As things progress, it does seem like she harbors a matriarchal fantasy of some kind, but she also doesn't have the CHOPS to be a matriarch of any sort either, so that deflates it for me.

I would say continue doing what makes you most comfortable, because later you may decide you're tired of doing it to please her and it'll seem like a change of heart when it really wasn't. Your fiance encourages you because he's trying to keep the peace on his end (which is his job) but this may be one of those things you don't want to compromise. I don't know about mentioning it to her or trying to have a one-on-one, because the decision is very self-explanitory. You just don't like her enough. She just hasn't earned the title. There is no other reason and if she confronts you for an explanation it would be a shame because that's an awkward conversation.

I totally agree with @moonbeam, calling my mom, Mom, really means something to me.  My MIL hasn't tried to stir up any trouble with me, and I still can't imagine calling her mom.  I feel more apart of my husbands family now that we are married...but it's not like I gained additional parents.  What you call her should also make you comfortable...it's not just about her.  Or about what your husband wants for that matter.  I would continue to call her by her first name and she can sign her emails Mom for as long as she wants.

My MIL would like me to call her mom but there is no way that's going to happen. Her and my DH even went so far as to say that is one of the reasons that her 1st sons marriage failed because his wife never called her mom. I have an amazing Mom and Dad and it's not her. You make up your mind but calling someone mom represents so much more than a title it entails everything a "mom" should be and she doesn't sound like she fits the bill.