Issued the ultimatum- losing hope!

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

 katherinenicc :  So, I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I don’t understand why it has to be him that proposes? You are ready to move forward with your life together. You feel sure you want to marry this person. Why does he need to be the one to call the question?

Ask him to marry you. If he says yes, you can start planning the wedding. You can pick out a ring. You don’t need to be passively waiting for him to take the initiative. 

If he says no, you have an answer too. You can start planning how to start your life without him. Continuing to wait another year and change for him to decide he’s good and ready is silly. You have done all the work such that he should know what he wants. Ask him point blank and you’ll have all the answer you need to get on with your life, one way or another. 

Post # 3
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Move out bee. Get on with your life May be he will come for you may be no but stop beggin. In sorry bee no amber is  a no. Don’t wait more don’t move in agin with no ring

Post # 4
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

teamroro :  While I agree that asking him to marry you is a good approach, it’s not the best approach for your current state.  You put the onus on him and gave him until 2018.  You need to give him that time.  Plus, you seem like the type of woman who wants her man to take affirmative action.  Some of us are like that.  In my opinion, he needs to be the one to step up and commit.  Asking him would only force his hand even more. 

Post # 5
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee

It definitely wasn’t this hard for me/us. But I have a very low tolerance for all that drama/tears/back and forth stuff he pulled on you. I would have  been out when he wasn’t sure at year 3/4. And I wouldn’t have been lured back with promises.

But you are where you are…. if you can summon the strength, I think you should leave. But I highly doubt you will.

I would never have wanted to be engaged to someone I wasn’t SURE was thrilled to be engaged to me. My fiance is giddy and excited to be engaed to me – do you think your SO could ever feel that way? Don’t you think you deserve to have your fiance feel that way about you?

Post # 6
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee

so you’re living separately now but still together? No, you need to start dating other people.

Post # 7
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

I’m pro women asking men to marry them unless it’s a circumstance like this.

He already knows you want to marry him, the proposal doesn’t add anything new. 

I was in a relationship once where I felt like I was always ahead of him with where I wanted us to be. Eventually, finally, he came around (not for a proposal, but in making the relationship actually serious). But it turned out when he finally got there, I was too bitter that it had happened like that. I wasn’t able to let go of the resentment and I had to walk away. 

I’d do some soul-searching about how much bitterness or resentment you think this might imbue in you. 

Post # 8
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

katherinenicc :  Do you really want to marry a guy who you had to wheedle and convince and talk him into it?  No.  You want a guy who can’t WAIT to marry you!!  

His non-answer is an answer.  He just doesn’t have the balls to break up with you so he’s trying to make you miserable so you’ll do it.  Oldest dude move in the book.

Post # 9
Member
5105 posts
Bee Keeper

Is it possible that he could be saviing for a ring?  I’m just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  However I did date a guy who was very wishy washy and we did break up.  The next relationship I ended up marrying that guy.

Post # 10
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

Did you try to sit down with him once again and talk about shy he is still not sure yet? Maybe make him remember how he felt when you moved out and then try to convince him that the two of you need an honest talk about the hole issue once again. Before you start talking make sure you have ‘an open end’ and no timeframe for the talk (so you can talk as long as you need to) and make him agree that both of you can talk honestly and there will be no question, that one refuses to answer. 

Instead of breaking up right away, this seems to be the better option. 

Post # 11
Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee

His actions (or lack thereof) are telling you everything you need to know. It’s up to you to pay attention.

Post # 12
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee

I admittedly went through some waiting b.s. myself

But honey, I’m sorry but this sucks, I dont’ even know why you’re giving him until 2018. I don’t think ultimatums are a bad thing, it’s not forcing him to marry you it’s asking him to make good on his word or at least let you know where you stand. But in your case you already moved out. And even having you move out, he was willing to lose you rather than propose. Then he said he wanted to try counselling, can’t fault him for that, initially he may have been sincere in hoping this would help. But now it seems like he misled you to get what he wants and you moved back in- and now here you are an entire year later and he still hasn’t proposed? 

I don’t think he wants to get married Bee, not to you or anyone. Maybe he’s scarred from what he witnessed growing up, maybe he just doesn’t like the concept of marriage. He’s entitled to feel this way, but what he’s not entitled to do is mislead you so cruelly. It doesn’t seem like you can be happy living together without marriage, so it seems you two have incompatible goals for the future, sorry Bee but I’d pack it in at this point. Waiting can be angsty- but when it’s to the point where you’ve already moved out/ gone to counselling/ moved back in under false pretenses and put up with this another year on top….that’s too much. 

Post # 13
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

katherinenicc :  My husband was always the type of person to say he never wanted to get married. He said word for word that “marriage is a scam”. I was heartbroken over the fact that he never wanted to get married, but I decided I was okay with it after a very long adjustment period. It wasn’t worth the fighs, etc. but he eventually came around. We just got married on our 8 year anniversary – May 22, 2017 (to keep dates simple). 

Sometimes it’s just hard for guys to commit, I don’t think that necessarily that they don’t WANT to marry you, or they don’t love you. Sometimes they just need to get over whatever is mentally blocking it for them. 

There is a comedy special by Mike Birbiglia called My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. My husband and I watched that together quite a few times (one of our favorite comedians) and he told me that he got to a place where Mike did. They ending really hits home, and hard. He says something along “I gave up on the idea of being right”. Would strongly recommend watching it! 

Which still sounds like my husband doesn’t want to be married which isn’t true at all, it just took him some time to realize he wanted it. He was wishy washy about it, but if you believe he loves you and you love him you need to decided if it’s worth sticking around or not. If it came down to it, and you never did get married would it bother you that much? I had to make that decision as well. I decided to stick it out, and be with him regardless if we got married or not.. and as much as I thought it wouldn’t happen, it did.

 

Hopefully that can give you a little glimmer of hope, or some insight. 

Post # 14
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I believe this is the exact scenario in which an ultimatum would be appropriate.  Though I think you kind of said it yourself..do you even want to marry someone you basically had to beg?  This is a really unfortunate situation if the relationship really is as level and solid as you described.  I can see both sides and it’s hard to argue who should get what they want and who should sacrifice.  If he’s willing to give you up in seeking out his vision of his future, you can’t really blame him for that because you intend to do the same thing.  I think it may benefit you to really meditate on what your relationship together means to you and why you may feel so anxious to “make it official”.  I am not anti marriage at all, but it’s very obvious that he is and if this is the man you love and want to be with forever, then that is part of the package. I’m just saying in this case, you’ve described a lovely relationship where you’re both commited and enjoy living together and share all that mutual affection and respect you can still experience without a piece of paper..well that still sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.  I feel for you, I really do, I know how much it hurts to want it, but ask yourself where that want comes from.  You wouldn’t be weak to stay.

Post # 15
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

Your man is either completely dragging his feet on this or not wanting to get married. Either way if you’re done waiting then he needs to know. You were don’t last year and gave him another opportunity to commit and for whatever reason he didn’t.  Unless it’s a money issue and he’s saving for some big expensive ring then I wouldn’t wait any longer.

Do you know if he’s planning to propose by the end of the year? Does he have a ring fund or gives you any inclination he’s working towards something like it? I don’t see the point in extending him another 4-5 months. You already gave him a year to work on these barriers. I think a year is long enough unless he was severely damaged. 

Plus you are just getting engaged. Unless you told him you want to get married immediately that buys him at least another year lol. 

Anyways good luck and I hope you can work this out, but if not then go confidently onward knowing you tried your best and this wasn’t meant to be after all. 

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