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Hi fellow non-name-changing Bees!
I thought I would start a chat about some of the practical issues for us. Things on my mind (and raise others):
- Are you spreading the word to friends and family that you are not changing? How?
- How do you plan to respond to Mrs. YourFirst HisLast? Or the dreaded Mrs. HisFirst HisLast? (my mom used to tell people that neither of them existed, kind of implying that lady was dead...she's an imp)
- What do you plan to call the family? The TwoLastName family? Never use that phrase?
Also, I don't know if we've had a discussion about this, but for those of us not changing, are you also not planning to use Mrs? I actually dislike Mrs. more than I would dislike changing my name.
Hmm, not a popular topic this morning!
I don't know what I'm going to do about letting people know I'm not changing. I guess use my newly collected list of addresses to send out holiday cards with out same names would be a good start.
But I do plan on gently correcting people who say Mrs. HisLast.
I won't change. I have work published with my name on it, and as a freelancer, my name is literally how I'm recognized to get work. Luckily most people seem to understand this, but I'm sure socially it will get annoying. I'm not sure how I'll handle it yet.
I'm going to keep my name when I get married. I have actually been telling my family for years that I won't be changing my name, so they already know. For friends/acquaitances/randoms, I would correct people and say that I decided to keep my name. I'm a pretty blunt person so I'd probably just say "No, I'm still FirstName LastName." I heard that etiquette-wise, if you don't change your last name you're not supposed to use Mrs. No idea where I heard that though. I plan on being Ms. LastName.
I'm not changing my name (but, I guess instead of "Miss," I will be "Ms."). In social settings, I will not correct people who address me as Mrs. iswimibikeirun (I don't do it now). It's unlikely we'll have kids, but if we do, they'll have FI's last name.
I will be keeping my own last name, because a) i really like my last name b) his last name is like, one of the top 5 most popular last names, and c) because i have my own company, and it has my last name in the name!
Also, i am one of two girls in my family, and I will be the last person in my family to have my last name. There are no boys to carry it on through another generation, so I kind of feel like I should keep the name alive as long as possible.
My kids will have my future husband's last name, though.
I think so far, everyone's cool with it once I explain my reasoning to them!
I am changing my last name, but I am adament to be "Ms. HisLast", NOT "Mrs. HisLast." If anyone calls me 'Mrs' then I will politely but firmly correct them. I've had friends who have gone this route and say that a strong yet still polite correction as soon as the mistake is made is the best way to let people know your preference, and to nip any "Mrs" tendencies in the bud. I'm not going to make a big deal about it or start a rant, but I'm Ms., not Mrs.
Good topic. I worry often about how I'll react to people calling me Mrs. Hislastname or Dana Hislastname. I'll probably just gently correct them.
I honestly think that, as tacky as it sounds, I might make a big Facebook announcement after the wedding to let everyone I know that I'm keeping my last name. It'll nip a lot of things in the bud that way.
If we decide to have kids, I'm okay with them having his last name.
@ MerryMary: thanks for that perspective! Glad to get second-hand advice from successes. It seems to me a quick but polite correction is the right approach. As I said, I'm also totally with you on Mrs./Ms. I don't go by Miss now, I use Ms. IMO, we should just drop the use of Miss and Mrs. all together. We stopped using Master for unmarried men a long time ago, women deserve the same courtesy.
I'm changing my name, BUT my mom didn't change hers and my FMIL did not change hers either, so I've been watching them deal with it forever. Having a mom with a different last name from me was never a big deal for me, and I corrected anyone who called her Mrs. MyLastName. I know it bugged the CRAP out of her, though. She and my FMIL both try not to make people feel awkward when they call them by the wrong name....but they do try to correct the person, if it matters. For example: if it's a clerk at a hotel who you're never going to see again, probably not worth correcting them. If it's your husband's coworker, probably need to let them know so you don't cringe every time they say the wrong name. My mom tells me that she didn't really have any issues until she had kids...before that, she corrected the few people that needed correcting, but she says there weren't that many. However, once I started school, she could NOT convince them that she and I had different last names. So everything they addressed to her was wrong, all her nametags at school events were wrong, and no matter how many times she talked to them about it, nothing changed. It really really bothered her for a long time, but that's bureaucracy for you. She never used the phrase the "_________ Family." I think how much correcting you're going to have to do is going to have a lot to do with the circles you exist in--if you have a lot of traditional people around you, who just assume that you'll be changing, you may be fighting an uphill battle to get them to remember your choice. But, if your circles are a little more forward-thinking, they may not just assume that you're changing and check with you before they start calling you by a different name.
I've been pretty adamant about not changing my name since I can remember. So, it won't surprise too many people. I've been correcting people on my future new name (or rather non-existent future new name) since I've become serious with my FI. Whether I correct people will depend on the situation. If it is a close friend or acquantance, than I will correct them, but if it is someone not close I will probably just let it be unless they constantly refer to me as Mrs. HisLastName.
Kids will be taking his last name. And we will be the "HisLastName's". Otherwise, the kid's names would be rediculously long. And as much as I would love for my kids to have my last name, I'm okay with making it easier for my future children and "taking the easy way out" and letting societal's norms be the norms for our children.
Im think Im going with second last name. As Wil Troy-ROSSA
I plan on keeping my last name. I am one of two girls in my family and my sister has already dropped her last name completely to "respect" her husband. I would have been ok with it had she hyphenated, but she didn't.
I've never wanted to drop my last name. I plan on keeping it and FI has made peace with that, but what good is it if I can't pass my name onto my son some day? FI is completely against it, even though his brother has a boy and will carry on the name. We get into an argument every time this comes up.
The topic has come up every once in awhile so as it comes up, I let people know. I doubt I’ll make an announcement or anything like that. People rely on facebook a lot these days so I figure NOT changing my name will send some sort of message.
If someone calls me Mrs. HisLastName or Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, I probably won’t correct them unless they’re a close friend or relative. I guess that will slowly spread the word as well.
Our children will probably be hyphenated or take one of our names as their middle names. We’re about 5 years away from that so I’m not thinking too much about it yet. Collectively, we’ll be “The HisLastName MyLastNames” because his name comes before mine in the alphabet. If my last was Anderson and his Brown we’d be the Anderson Browns.
I use Ms now and will continue to use Ms.
I am not entirely keeping my name, I'm adding his to mine. But I'm not making an announcement about it. I suppose that I will sign my new name on the thank you cards and probably update my facebook profile (sooo official) but that's it. I will be happy to have people call me Mrs. Soandso, and I won't correct them unless it gets annoying. I won't mind being called the HISNAME family either when we have kids, but hopefully by then we will be the MY NAME-HIS NAME family.
Great topic! I'm not taking his name and I've started mentioning it as soon as the topic comes up, even though we're not getting married for over a year. I tell them that while I'd like him to take my last name, I respect his right to keep his own. (I might also be the same sort of person who asks people when they realized they were straight.) I'm really tempted to put something on our website (when we get around to making one) saying that M and R will, upon marriage, be changing their last name to DeezNuts. And then below it, saying actually, we're lazy and will just keep the names we already have. I have a feeling he might veto that, though...
I currently return-address envelopes as coming from HisLast/Entangled or Entangled/HisLast (depending mostly on how alphabetical I'm feeling, since his comes first). I intend to continue doing the same. His immediate family has five or so last names between the lot of them, so I think we can handle two. Our names don't smoosh together all that well.
I go Ms. now and intend to do the same. While older relatives may get some leeway, mail sent to Mrs. HisLast is being sent to someone who doesn't exist. I may not return it to sender, but I'll probably be that person ripping off the address label, correcting it, and mailing it back.
Also - I see it come up a lot about kids names. I am not ok with having kids in the first place, but if I do have kids, I am very much not ok with them having his name. Once you set aside tradition, it seems backwards to me. Plus, my last name is better - the poor kids would be so sad at being stuck wtih his, which is merely ok. ETA - the fact that I am adamantly anti-kids and he's somewhat ambivalent means that if we start shifting our views here, I have a lot of power to extract compromises. If I'm going to be stuck with children (ugh!!!), I intend to extract a LOT of compromises beforehand.
I changed my last name, but I'm curious for those of you keeping your last name (especially to carry on your family name), why are you choosing to give your kids your husband's last name instead of yours or both of yours? I ask because this is something I really struggled with. The day I changed my last name was the day my last name literally died in my family, it ended with me. :( Knowing that was the weirdest feeling and it really overwhelmed me with guilt and sadness.
I'm making my husband deal with it in his family, and I deal with it in mine - both by spreading the word and doing the firm-but-gentle corrections when somebody calls me Mrs H----. I'm pretty sure none of our friends would ever assume I'd change my name.
We'll be the T____-H____s (Mylast-Hislasts). And our kids will probably hyphenate, if only because we think it's hilarious how posh our names sound when put together like that (double-barrelled names is an upper-class thing in the UK, where he's from and where we met).
@ Lillindy: I'm not keeping my last name to carry on the family. My dad has eight brothers and sisters, and we're breeding like rabbits. German and Catholic.
But if we have kids, they'll probably get FI's last name, or mine as a second middle, because his last name is awesome. It sounds really good. A small part of me wants to take his last name because with mine pronounced with a Spanish accent, it sounds like the name of a tango dancer, exotic and sexy. But I'm a clumsy super pale blond woman, nothing feline and sexy about me (so sad, so true). So taking his name would be like false advertising! Anyways, back to answer, his name is awesome. That's really all there is to it.
My mom feels the way you do about not giving me her mother's maiden name. The Timms line is gone. She wishes she had pushed harder for that. You should definitely think hard about giving your kids your maiden name as a middle name at least.
I'm not changing my last name - one, because I'm a bit older with a lot of paperwork (my business, professional reputation, mortgage, financial accounts,) in my name, and I don't want to deal with changing it. Second, it's not necessarily the norm in my circle and there's almost some reverse pressure not to change your last name.
That said, I could care less if anyone mistakenly calls me by his last name in social situations or on invites. So in my case I won't be spreading the word, I'll just continue using my name as I always did.
Great topic!
I'm not changing my name. I love it too much. And The Guy's name is impossible to pronounce and spell.
I'm basically spreading the word by word-of-mouth. I've said, basically since The Guy and I have been together, that I wouldn't change my name, so I think most people know. Also, when we're announced at the reception we'll be announced as "Mr. HisLastName and Mrs. MyLastName." I'm okay with the "Mrs." part.
I won't mind if someone calls me by his last name, but I will continue to use my name professionally and legally (e.g. on bills).
Our future kids will go by his last name. I had a different last name than my mother and it never caused any problems at all - I think it's more and more common now.
Close friends and family members have always known that I would never change my name, and the topic usually comes up with other people when I talk about marriage, so I don't think letting people know will be a problem. I have always considered myself a Ms. and will continue to use Ms.
As to the kids, FI and I talked, and I've agreed for them to have his name. Partly it's because it's a battle I'm not prepared to fight (we live in Korea and it just became a legal option for children to have their mother's family name a few years ago - so socially it is still very strange). Also, FI brought up the point that as we plan to stay in Korea until our future children finish elementary school, if they have a Scottish family name, they will probably be ridiculed (especially because I have a 'Mc' surname and all 'Mc' surnames in Korea are for some reason associated with McDonalds). Our kids will have Scottish or German first names though, and they will most likely be common names in my family, so that is the way I will pass on family name history to my children.
I am hyphenating my name. I decided to do this because: a) I am the first person in my family to have a college and masters degree and b) although I don't have any journal publications, I have received grants and gave papers and posters under my maiden name.
Like many of you ladies who are hyphenating or keeping your last name, I don't have any problem being called Ms. HisLastName. Our children will have his last name. When my FI and I talked about this the other day he said, jokingly, "If you hyphenate I will tell our kids, "okay, the HisLastName's are going on a family vacation, the MyLastNames are not invited!" He is so funny!
I have one of those crazy hard to spell and say last names...and I love it. So I'm keeping it. I've always known I'd keep it but my fi is not so happy about it. Every time someone brings it up in front of him I try to change the subject. And it's brought up often since all my friends have known this would be my feeling.
How are you all having yourselves announced at the wedding. I was just thinking "For the first time as husband and wife m and d" rather than Mr. and Mrs.
I'm not changing my last name. I've identified with this name my entire life and I can't imagine officially changing it to anything else. I've also built a professional reputation using my maiden name and would like to continue using it as well. With respect to kids, I don't mind if our future kids took his last name. In a social situation, if anyone calls me Mrs [husband's last name], it wouldn't be a big deal for me - our last names are similar anways!
I am in my mid 30's and well known in my professional field-there was no way I was changing my name! I don't think it will be much of an issue except for one thing-I can't figure out what to do about monograms!
EEK, I can’t decide whether to take his name or not.
I’m the last female in our family with our last name, and I like my last name, and I like how it sounds with my first name. People can’t really mess up my last name, like they can, and generally do, mess up my first name.
I think his last name sounds harsh with my first name, and hyphenating is totally out of the question because it makes my name seriously sound like a dictator, or the type of teacher who would hit you with a ruler for talking out of turn.
But, I do like the idea of us all having the same last name. Luckily, FH is a big feminist himself, and doesn’t expect me to take his last name.
<sigh> I don’t know what to do. :-/
I changed my name to Melissa Maiden HisLast so you know where I'm coming from. Besides simply liking HisLast (great name!), I wanted our whole family to be addressed as one name. For those not changing their name - how will you address your family?
I am not chaning my last name but I am also not making a big ordeal of it. If people call me Mrs. MyFirst HisLast, I don't really care all that much. I am keeping mine for work reasons and just going by whatever socially. As far as a family - our dogs are registered at the clinic under his last name - so I guess having kids we will do the same. The whole name change thing (or lack thereof) isn't a big deal to me. And as far as family goes we will probably just let them keep calling us by our first names as they have been doing so far.
We are not having children. so that's not an issue. We have 2 dogs and they are registered at the vet with different last names-one has mine and one has his(we each had a dog before we got together). It is so confusing sometime, I have been joking we are going to hyphenate the dog's last names!
@cakegal - we had to pick up some medicine for our cat the other day, who is registered at the vet with FH's last name and FH only somewhat jokingly asked me if I wanted to have her last name hypenated once we get married :)
He then said he had been thinking about it, and what to do about her name for a while LOL
@Melissabegins, we haven't discussed the family name issue wrt our own family yet, but the way we handled it for our invitations was to address them to "The HisLast/Maiden Family" for those families where parents have different names (which turned out to be the vast majority, interestingly---there were only a half dozen where both use his name, plus one where they took her name...and no hyphens at all!) In most cases the kids have his name, but we didn't want to just say "The HisLast Family" and exclude the women who have chosen to keep their names. I would be down with having our own family addressed the same way---makes sense, and if you use it consistently, it communicates pretty clearly that both names belong to the same family unit.
Our dog has my name, though, and I don't think we're going to change it... ;)
I love my last name as well, and I want to carry on the family name even though I have a younger brother (who fell far from the tree, rolled down the hill and into the river that floated out to sea. hahaha!). I'm thinking about doing a Jennifer Love Hewitt kind of thing, but my kids will probably take on the FI's last name or perhaps have the "Love Hewitt" as we don't have middle names.
I'm keeping my name and keeping the Ms.
The family adressing thing is weird - I think I can only remember one or two instances in the past 24 years where my family of origin has referred to themselves or been refered to as "the Xs" so I can't imagine this will come up often. But if it does we're the X/Y family which I actually love love love since it mentions and represents that there are two individual in this family/relationship! I think it sounds great. I get a kick out of the X/Y wedding too.
I've told my mom and the two friends who asked if I was keeping my name but I think many don't know. I don't plan to make an announcement but will correct when appropriate.
I plan to give my name to at least one of my children, we'll probably have two and split it.
@arachna - i like the sound of X/Y wedding, also! But i do find it odd that you've only heard of a family being called X's a few times. Maybe I am more old fashioned than I think, but I call people that all the time! Going to dinner at Smiths. The Meowingtons are taking a vacation. Do you know if Bubbas have any food allergies?
I will be more observant of that in the future!
Now that I think about it---I bet this might just be an artifact of living in places where it's more common for couples to have different last names....I also can't remember the last time I heard "the so-and-sos" except in conversations with my parents, but that might just be because so few of our friends would fit that, so we just say "going to Bob and Joan's." This does sort of exclude kids, but they're all little right now, so it's implicit....wonder how that will change as they get older! I do know a few people who refer to their own families as the "X-Ys" even though in reality no one actually has a hyphenated name, so I guess that's another approach?
I didn't change my name. Had absolutely no intention of changing it and there was no discussion about it. We added a note in our wedding website saying that neither me nor my husband would change our names after the wedding. This was mostly to remind his family and our American friends, because my family and our PR friends didn't need the reminder -- women in Puerto Rico do not change their name when they get married.
I'm currently going by 'Ms'. I'll probably keep using that, though once I graduate I'll be able to go by 'Dr'. If someone calls me Mrs HisLast, I just correct them until they get it right. If we ever have kids, they're getting two last names, one from me and one from my husband, most likely hyphenated.
I am keeping my maiden and remaining "Ms. Soychai Maiden."
Fiance and come from a VERY religiously conservative background (you know, where people literally think I'm becoming his property when we get married--UGH!), and many of our friends (and his family) are not taking too kindly to this. I will politely correct people who call me Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. I feel that that completely strips me of my personhood! I won't make as big of a deal out of Mrs. Soychai Hislast. My facebook profile and e-mail address will remain my maiden name, and I'm hoping that will give everyone a clue that I'm still ME, name and all! :)
As for kids, we will either use his last name or hyphenate. We'll be the Maiden-Hislast family as much as possible.
Hmn, I didn't really spread the word. Occasionally people would ask me about it and I would let them know. The first conversation I had about it with my brother was "you must not introduce us as Mr and Mrs HisLast!" (He was our MC.)
I do not respond to Mrs. HisLast, not because I'm trying to make a point, but because I rarely realize they're talking to me. When I do, I correct them. I find "Actually, it's Jillbean MyLast" works fine and no one seems offended. In my experience most people like to know how to address you. The only time I was a bit freaked out was with his grandmother - I let it slide the first time and then the second time I pulled out my line. She loved it! She's from Quebec so she is legally still HerName HerMaiden as well, since you can't change it there.
I will say I do occasionally get a jerk on the internet who is like "YOU MUST NOT LOVE YOUR MAN ENOUGH", but I mean, it's hard to take that seriously.
As for the XX Family or XY Family, I have not run into that because I never refer to us that way. I'll keep you posted if I start after kids!
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