Post # 1
Hi fellow non-name-changing Bees!
I thought I would start a chat about some of the practical issues for us. Things on my mind (and raise others):
– Are you spreading the word to friends and family that you are not changing? How?
– How do you plan to respond to Mrs. YourFirst HisLast? Or the dreaded Mrs. HisFirst HisLast? (my mom used to tell people that neither of them existed, kind of implying that lady was dead…she’s an imp)
– What do you plan to call the family? The TwoLastName family? Never use that phrase?
Also, I don’t know if we’ve had a discussion about this, but for those of us not changing, are you also not planning to use Mrs? I actually dislike Mrs. more than I would dislike changing my name.
Post # 3
Hmm, not a popular topic this morning!
I don’t know what I’m going to do about letting people know I’m not changing. I guess use my newly collected list of addresses to send out holiday cards with out same names would be a good start.
But I do plan on gently correcting people who say Mrs. HisLast.
Post # 4
I won’t change. I have work published with my name on it, and as a freelancer, my name is literally how I’m recognized to get work. Luckily most people seem to understand this, but I’m sure socially it will get annoying. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it yet.
Post # 5
I’m going to keep my name when I get married. I have actually been telling my family for years that I won’t be changing my name, so they already know. For friends/acquaitances/randoms, I would correct people and say that I decided to keep my name. I’m a pretty blunt person so I’d probably just say “No, I’m still FirstName LastName.” I heard that etiquette-wise, if you don’t change your last name you’re not supposed to use Mrs. No idea where I heard that though. I plan on being Ms. LastName.
Post # 6
I’m not changing my name (but, I guess instead of “Miss,” I will be “Ms.”). In social settings, I will not correct people who address me as Mrs. iswimibikeirun (I don’t do it now). It’s unlikely we’ll have kids, but if we do, they’ll have FI’s last name.
Post # 7
I will be keeping my own last name, because a) i really like my last name b) his last name is like, one of the top 5 most popular last names, and c) because i have my own company, and it has my last name in the name!
Also, i am one of two girls in my family, and I will be the last person in my family to have my last name. There are no boys to carry it on through another generation, so I kind of feel like I should keep the name alive as long as possible.
My kids will have my future husband’s last name, though.
I think so far, everyone’s cool with it once I explain my reasoning to them!
Post # 8
I am changing my last name, but I am adament to be “Ms. HisLast”, NOT “Mrs. HisLast.” If anyone calls me ‘Mrs’ then I will politely but firmly correct them. I’ve had friends who have gone this route and say that a strong yet still polite correction as soon as the mistake is made is the best way to let people know your preference, and to nip any “Mrs” tendencies in the bud. I’m not going to make a big deal about it or start a rant, but I’m Ms., not Mrs.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
Good topic. I worry often about how I’ll react to people calling me Mrs. Hislastname or Dana Hislastname. I’ll probably just gently correct them.
I honestly think that, as tacky as it sounds, I might make a big Facebook announcement after the wedding to let everyone I know that I’m keeping my last name. It’ll nip a lot of things in the bud that way.
If we decide to have kids, I’m okay with them having his last name.
Post # 10
@ MerryMary: thanks for that perspective! Glad to get second-hand advice from successes. It seems to me a quick but polite correction is the right approach. As I said, I’m also totally with you on Mrs./Ms. I don’t go by Miss now, I use Ms. IMO, we should just drop the use of Miss and Mrs. all together. We stopped using Master for unmarried men a long time ago, women deserve the same courtesy.
Post # 11
I’m changing my name, BUT my mom didn’t change hers and my FMIL did not change hers either, so I’ve been watching them deal with it forever. Having a mom with a different last name from me was never a big deal for me, and I corrected anyone who called her Mrs. MyLastName. I know it bugged the CRAP out of her, though. She and my FMIL both try not to make people feel awkward when they call them by the wrong name….but they do try to correct the person, if it matters. For example: if it’s a clerk at a hotel who you’re never going to see again, probably not worth correcting them. If it’s your husband’s coworker, probably need to let them know so you don’t cringe every time they say the wrong name. My mom tells me that she didn’t really have any issues until she had kids…before that, she corrected the few people that needed correcting, but she says there weren’t that many. However, once I started school, she could NOT convince them that she and I had different last names. So everything they addressed to her was wrong, all her nametags at school events were wrong, and no matter how many times she talked to them about it, nothing changed. It really really bothered her for a long time, but that’s bureaucracy for you. She never used the phrase the “_________ Family.” I think how much correcting you’re going to have to do is going to have a lot to do with the circles you exist in–if you have a lot of traditional people around you, who just assume that you’ll be changing, you may be fighting an uphill battle to get them to remember your choice. But, if your circles are a little more forward-thinking, they may not just assume that you’re changing and check with you before they start calling you by a different name.
Post # 12
I’ve been pretty adamant about not changing my name since I can remember. So, it won’t surprise too many people. I’ve been correcting people on my future new name (or rather non-existent future new name) since I’ve become serious with my FI. Whether I correct people will depend on the situation. If it is a close friend or acquantance, than I will correct them, but if it is someone not close I will probably just let it be unless they constantly refer to me as Mrs. HisLastName.
Kids will be taking his last name. And we will be the “HisLastName’s”. Otherwise, the kid’s names would be rediculously long. And as much as I would love for my kids to have my last name, I’m okay with making it easier for my future children and “taking the easy way out” and letting societal’s norms be the norms for our children.
Post # 13
Im think Im going with second last name. As Wil Troy-ROSSA
Post # 14
I plan on keeping my last name. I am one of two girls in my family and my sister has already dropped her last name completely to “respect” her husband. I would have been ok with it had she hyphenated, but she didn’t.
I’ve never wanted to drop my last name. I plan on keeping it and FI has made peace with that, but what good is it if I can’t pass my name onto my son some day? FI is completely against it, even though his brother has a boy and will carry on the name. We get into an argument every time this comes up.
Post # 15
The topic has come up every once in awhile so as it comes up, I let people know. I doubt I’ll make an announcement or anything like that. People rely on facebook a lot these days so I figure NOT changing my name will send some sort of message.
If someone calls me Mrs. HisLastName or Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, I probably won’t correct them unless they’re a close friend or relative. I guess that will slowly spread the word as well.
Our children will probably be hyphenated or take one of our names as their middle names. We’re about 5 years away from that so I’m not thinking too much about it yet. Collectively, we’ll be “The HisLastName MyLastNames” because his name comes before mine in the alphabet. If my last was Anderson and his Brown we’d be the Anderson Browns.
I use Ms now and will continue to use Ms.
Post # 16
I am not entirely keeping my name, I’m adding his to mine. But I’m not making an announcement about it. I suppose that I will sign my new name on the thank you cards and probably update my facebook profile (sooo official) but that’s it. I will be happy to have people call me Mrs. Soandso, and I won’t correct them unless it gets annoying. I won’t mind being called the HISNAME family either when we have kids, but hopefully by then we will be the MY NAME-HIS NAME family.