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Why not have your mom and dad escorted by a GM and BM, respectively? That's pretty normal, from what I've seen.
First of all, sorry for your situation and the awkward position your folks have put you in. I think that it's more than fair to say no dates for parents. There will be other siblings/family/friends that are there that are on their respective 'sides' so your mother shouldn't feel as if she'll be all alone and your father shouldn't feel that he should be able to bring the other woman along if that's against your wishes. You sound as if you've been very mature about the whole thing and seeking solutions as a group and they just won't go along with it, so you and your FI should decide what you two prefer and then just tell them that that's how it is.
For intros, could you maybe escort your mother in (then go to your dad), have the bride's parents come in together, and then you walk in next to your dad? (This way your sisters do not have to be involved and there is no favoring of sides.) Or, can you do the intro of the party and such at the beginning, and then make special thank you toasts to your parents at the beginning of dinner (having them stand for recognition) so that there is equal attention to all 4 parents, but no physical interaction or presentation timing to sort out?
So sorry for your situation. I would also have Randy stay home. Your mom will have other family and/or friends to support her at your wedding. I understand that it will be a difficult day for her, but she should recognize that this day should be focussed on supporting you.
If she is insistent, I would sit her down and tell her what an awkward position this puts you in. You should not be expected to meet and accept the relationship your mom and Randy have on your wedding day. You should be focussed on getting married and enjoying a drama free day.
For introductions, I would let each of them choose a family member to walk in with them. If they don't have anyone, they can either walk in alone or not be introduced. If your mom wants suggestions, you could have a usher walk with her or a sibling.
Hope this helps and that your situation gets worked out soon!
This sounds incredibly difficult and I'm sorry you have to deal with it! I would let your mom bring Randy. She has probably had an incredibly crappy year, and if having a date at the wedding lets her keep a little bit of her pride, just let her have it. Everyone is going to be noticing the tension between your parents anyway, Randy or no Randy. And I would skip the introductions all together if possible! It may be best to keep your mom and dad far apart (and actually, Randy might be a good buffer to help this).
What she said. Even if Randy seems to have a bad track record at this point, that is really besides the point. Your Mum probably just needs to have someone on her arm for this day.
I voted for Randy staying home. This was the rule from day 1, she accepted it so she should go along with it. The only alternate is to let Randy come but keep him out of the spotlight as much as possible and let your dad bring a date.
I can’t imagine what you are going through. Maybe you can write a letter to your Mom and not make it about Randy, but about the two of you.
Dear Mom,
I know this past year has been horrible for you. I can’t imagine what you are feeling and how difficult just making it to the next day is. I want to do everything I can to support you through this hard time. Although it may not feel like it to you, I know you are a strong woman who will make it through and come out the other side better and stronger.
The wedding isn’t going to be what we both thought it was going to be. I know it’ll be uncomfortable having to deal with Dad on a day that should be filled with joy. I really appreciate that you are willing to come and share that day with us, even if it will be painful for you.
I really need you to be there for me and I want this to be a special time for you and me—for us. I don’t know if that will be possible if you bring someone that I don’t know very well. I will be more concerned about getting to know him, than focusing on the wedding. He is obviously a special person in your life and I want to embrace that (and yes, get used to it), but not around my wedding.
Is it possible that we (me, your brother, etc) can give you the support you need so that you can focus your energy on me? I know I’m being kinda selfish, but “I need my Mommy” more than ever and it would mean the world to me if you came without Randy.
Love your Bride Daughter
Thanks so much to everyone for the great responses! It sounds like people are pretty split on whether or not "Randy" should be allowed to come. We have definitely ruled out option #1 in the poll but are still struggling between #2 and #3. I think if he does come then we are going to keep him out of things as much as possible. He will not be allowed to come to the rehearsal dinner and will not be in any photos other than incidentally. We like Beluga's suggestion of having a BM (although I'm not sure if my sisters will be willing!) escort my dad and a GM escort my mom at the introductions.
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So, my fiancee and I are getting married in May this year and have run into some major issues with my parents' recent divorce. I had a great, fun, close family with no indication of anything wrong until last April when my parents revealed that they were having severe marital problems and that my dad was having an affair. They said they were going to try to "work on the marriage" but within a couple weeks, my dad surprised my mom with divorce papers, ending their 31-year marriage. I was already making plans to propose to Tracy and ended up going through with it in June. We planned our wedding for May 2011 thinking that this situation would be resolved by then. The divorce was finalized in December, but things have really not improved. My parents absolutely detest each other at this point and are not even close to being on speaking terms. My dad's sister and my mom's brother, along with cousins, have taken opposing sides and are no longer speaking to those across the divide. My sisters are no longer on speaking terms with my dad. Meanwhile my fiancee and I are stuck in the middle.
We have tried repeatedly to get my mom and dad (and even extended family involved in the drama) to sit down together and talk about how to make things work for this wedding. No progress could be made and we basically gave up on that idea.
To make matters worse, my mom started dating a guy (let's call him "Randy," short for "RANDom guY") she met online about a month ago, and she is insisting on bringing him to the wedding. My fiancee and I have never met Randy, and will not before the wedding as they live on the opposite coast. She says that if she is alone at the wedding, she will get too unhappy/emotional, and she needs Randy there to keep her stable and act as sort of a shield from my dad. She says Randy is very nice, but he has been married and divorced three times, which we see as a major red flag. Our concerns are that they JUST started dating, having this guy nobody knows will draw attention to the issue, it will add awkwardness (including for me who has to get used to seeing my mom dating for the first time at my wedding), our and my mom's memories of this wedding will involve this guy (could taint those memories if their relationship ends poorly), and it will make us appear to be taking sides (obviously we're not letting my dad bring the woman he cheated on my mom with - he is forced to come alone). We originally said NO DATES for the wedding to my parents and they both seemed to agree at the time, not that my dad had a choice.
We also have always really wanted to do introductions of the parents, wedding party, and us at the beginning of our reception. Of course this situation makes that extremely awkward. My fiancee's parents are married, so we would first have them introduced together, then... my mom alone, then my dad alone? My mom, escorted by her brother, then my dad escorted by his sister (mom does not like this idea)? My mom, escorted by Randy who nobody knows, then my dad alone/escorted by his sister (mom likes this idea but we don't want Randy involved in ANY way)? Skip my parents altogether? Believe me, them being introduced together is NOT an option.
Anyone have advice here? Should we let my mom bring this guy? What's the most reasonable way to do the introductions given this situation? We're obviously going to keep him out of photos and smaller group activities like the rehearsal dinner as much as we can. We need to give my mom, who bugs me about this every other day, an answer ASAP so Randy can arrange for time off work and his cross-country flight if he's coming.
Thanks!