Post # 1
I posted about this in the Emotional thread, not realizing there was a Christian thread, and I think I might have more like-minded people here that can advise me.
Long story short, I live with my future in-laws and I accidentally found porn on the shared family computer, with every reason to believe it was being viewed by my Future Father-In-Law. It really was an accident – I clicked right next to the search thing and hit history instead, so it brought up the most recent websites with graphic descriptions of what had been viewed. He was the last of the fam to leave the house, and I’d last seen him in the dark at the computer, and they were the most recently viewed sites.
I already have a rocky relationship with him. I think he’s very rude, and he’s made pointed comments about things such as my political views. He’s very outspoken, and overtly chauvinistic. And here’s the thing – he’s a church leader, very respected. Fiance and I have taken a lot of criticism for choosing to attend a church that’s my denomination instead. A lot of it is due to the fact that it reflects poorly on him in the church that he hasn’t been able to keep us there.
So my big problem is, this is bothering me. Fiance and I have never discussed our feelings on pornography; I’ve just assumed it’s off limits. We’ve both waited until marriage, but we’ve done things that we shouldn’t have. He can be pretty vulgar at times, though I’ve explained to him how unattractive it is and he tries to keep in mind I’m not just “one of the guys.” But I have no idea now considering what I know what he’s been raised to believe about sex. I think pornography is so degrading to women and damaging to a marriage, but his father is doing this fairly openly if it’s on a shared computer and not deleted! I’m concerned that everyone might know and just quietly let it happen/not be bothered. I didn’t see any good that could come out of telling Fiance about it, because a confrontation would only be awkward and embarrassing for all, and what’s him knowing actually going to do? Best to just move on. But now I’m just really struggling with the hypocrisy of it and feelings of disgust for his father, plus discomfort that he’s watching porn while we’re alone in the house. It’s just a little weird to me, especially when it’s not even behind a closed bedroom door or anything. I’d like to discuss it with my Fiance, or at least bring up the general topic, but how do I just ask out of nowhere how he feels about that?! Seems a little odd. And I don’t want to stir up trouble. I’m just confused and bothered about this, and I don’t really know how to feel. Maybe I’m overreacting, but this is the man who raised my future husband, and he’s a married man doing something that I know the church would really disapprove of.
Post # 3
Tell Fiance you were reading an article or find an article and just ask him. I mean you are marrying this man and you should be able to talk to him about everything. It’s a hard concept on some of the embarassing things, but who else are you going to talk to about your concerns.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s any of your business if your Future Father-In-Law does this. You should talk to your Fiance and ask him if he does, but I don’t think you should ask about your Future Father-In-Law.
Post # 5
@HisIrishPrincess: Thanks! i was actually thinking about that as well – just saying I read some marriage article and it made me think of it. I think that might be a really good approach just to ease my concerns. I know my Fiance and I have a feeling it will turn out fine, but it’s been bothering me for days and I don’t think I can just put it out of my mind until we’ve discussed something.
Post # 6
I already commented on the other thread, but i want to comment here too.
I think you really need to let this go.
These are my reasons why.
1) It’s his house.
2) It’s his vice and you don’t know how or if he struggles with it, or what kind of guilt he feels about it.
3) As much as it disgusts you, it’s really not your place to judge him for it. That’s something between him and his God.
I think what worries me the most in your post is this:
Fiance and I have never discussed our feelings on pornography; I’ve just assumed it’s off limits. We’ve both waited until marriage, but we’ve done things that we shouldn’t have. He can be pretty vulgar at times, though I’ve explained to him how unattractive it is and he tries to keep in mind I’m not just “one of the guys.” But I have no idea now considering what I know what he’s been raised to believe about sex
That’s a convo you should totally have before marriage! Nothing should be off limits conversation wise in a marriage! (Personally, I don’t agree with waiting till marriage because (to me) sex is very important and being on the same page with your partner is so important in order to have a healthy and happy sex life. But, i get why you’re waiting and why it’s important to you. ) If I were you, i’d prolly use the Wedding bee as a starting point and say “I read this thread, yada yada yada”… and let the conversation progress from there. Depending on how his views go, you might feel able to share what you found. But if he’s 100% against it and disgusted, i wouldn’t mention it because you mighy damage the relationship between him and his dad.
Post # 7
@MrsVandykins: Thanks for responding again! I’m so bad at letting things go, so thankful for this forum to keep agonizing over what to do!
I totally miswrote this, btw. I didn’t mean I thought the pornography discussion was off-limits, but that pornography itself because of our views on sex! But because people can obviously have quite different views on this, I’m realizing it’s an important discussion to have.
You’re definitely right in terms of his struggle and guilt. I’m trying to work on my attitude towards him, because I tend to think the worst because of the ways he’s been offensive. None of us are perfect, of course, but a mean-spirited attitude towards everyone around you is a different story, I think. But, it’s still not up to me to judge and I don’t have to view him as a leader or role model, only deal with him with grace.
Thanks again for the advice!!
Post # 8
@tirralirra: Ahhh, that makes more sense, (porn being a nono but not the talking). Oops! Sorry to mis read!
I hope everything works out!
Post # 9
Hypocrisy can be extremely frustrating, especially when it comes from people who claim some kind of superiority. I would be very careful in “outing” your Future Father-In-Law and would advise against it. Either his whole family already knows (as you’ve theorized) and are letting sleeping dogs lie or they just aren’t very tech saavy and just don’t know. As someone who married into the family and already caused some waves (totally silly waves btw) with the denomination shift you could quickly become the scapegoat.
As far as talking to your Fiance, I say just ask him! Open communication is so important. If you’re looking to cover for why you were thinking about this why not say that someone wrote a post on the Bee about it and it got you thinking?
Post # 10
I need to be honest here. I don’t think you should be alone with Future Father-In-Law if he’s doing that out in the open when you are around. I think you need to set up some serious boundaries in order to protect yourself from any number of possible gross situations.
. This isn’t about him watching porn, it’s about inappropriate sexual activity and a serious lack of boundaries. i agree that you shouldnt say anything about what youve found to the family, but i would tell someone you trust.
then you need to talk to Fiance and make sure you are in the same page re your feelings on the general issue.
Im really sorry this happened to you. I agree with PP re not judging, but you can be kind and still be safe.
Post # 11
And I’ll add one thing for the OP. You should not be planning a wedding with someone and you don’t know what their views on sex are. I don’t have a problem with men watching porn. I just don’t care as long as it doesn’t take away from being able to have a healthy sex life within the confines of a MARRIAGE (and I say that because we didn’t have sex before marriage and I think that’s where a sexual relationship belongs). However, you’re ready to judge this man because of his views on porn, but you’ve admitted to doing some things with your Fiance that you probably shouldn’t have. I’ll use my imagination, but that may mean that you’ve done everything but penetrate. You’re in no better position than Future Father-In-Law is and you don’t want to come off complaining about your Future Father-In-Law and sounding like a hypocrite in the same conversation, do you?
Post # 12
@Tinatiny1: It does make me uncomfortable, for sure, not even because I think he’d do anything, but I was fairly sure I heard porn on the computer and brushed it off as ridiculous until I found it, plus…most people (from my understanding anyway, which is extremely limited!!) don’t just idly look at it just for looking’s sake, so you know, that’s uncomfortable. But there’s not much I can do, honestly. I work at home, and he’s usually the last one leaving for work and the first one back. I seriously considered moving out, but there’s a lot of reasons that wouldn’t work right now. We have the money, but it’s a matter of timing and job locations being up in the air, etc. I already try to avoid him as much as possible, but I may just go a little extra out of my way to not be around while there’s no one else here.
I did talk to Fiance tonight just as you guys suggested. He immediately said what I believed to be the understanding – it’s not that we’ve NEVER discussed our views on sex or anything, and have done pre-marital classes in church that covered sex, so we’ve had to talk about it before, but I guess it’s not something we’ve had a great need to go into detail with. Maybe we assume too much that we’re on the same page, and porn isn’t ok with me, so if he’s been raised in a family that’s never had an issue, it could be a conflict between us. But he assured me that he doesn’t think it has any place in a marriage and that it can mess with your head, create unrealistic expectations, etc. So I definitely feel more confident now and hopefully can just put this incident out of my head! Some things you just can’t unsee, Bees!!
Post # 16
To TirraLirra: You have every right to
feel concerned or uncomfortable ecspecially If he claims to be an
individual who represents God! Thats something detestable to God, as a
leader one must set an example that can be followed.
Granted we all are imperfect but thats still something that has to be
addressed. The Bible clearly speaks against this, heres just a few
scriptures(Psalm 119:37) (Matthew 5:28,29); (Colossians 3:5).Those scriptures clearly indicate that its very wrong to do this & how we must fight against the urge.
So my advice to you is 1st pray about it in order to find the right words to say and then bring it to your future husbands attention & maybe he will approach his father about the matter and I noticed you also stated you would like more information on that subject heres a website that has much more Bible based articles on this subject I hope this helps please feel free to visit http://www.jw.org.