Post # 1
This is really embarrassing/hard for me to admit – but i really don’t know what to do, I’m hoping you can help. sorry it’s long, thanks in advance for reading.
My SO and I are in our second year of grad school abroad, and last year we made a really tight knit group of friends, abour ten of us. there are 3 girls in that group that I did everything with, went travelling, went out, kept in touch over the summer, and when the group got together, we’d joke it was for ‘family dinners’ – we were super tight. the rest of the group and us are great – it’s just these 3, and 2 in particular.
there was a girl who was not part of this group, but we were all friendly with her and over the summer she basically decided to get new friends this year – and has chosen our group – great! i really like her, we always got along etc. however – now the three girls that i was (am?) super tight with are constantly with her, and don’t invite me. i’ve been making an extra effort of texting them, making plans etc because i’d noticed some distance and that i was feeling excluded. not passive agressive or anything just trying to make more plans, asking how interviews went etc.
so today i texted 1 of the 3 original friends and the new friend to see if they wanted to hang out – both said they were studying/going to the gym – separately. well new girls’ apartment is across from mine – and i just saw 2 of the 3 come pick up new girl and walk into town! i cried! i’m so upset – i have racked my brain to think if i’ve offended someone and have come up with nothing. My SO and i have had two parties in the last while and they came to those (content to be my friend when i’m having parties?) it’s one thing to spontaneously hang out – but i had JUST texted them and they literally walked in front of my building to get to hers – so it’s definitely intentional.
it just feels really mean – 1 of the 3 has been really rubbing it in saying how new girl’s apartment is ‘her second home’ etc and another of the 3 told me yesterday before there was a group event ‘we’ve been at new girl’s place for hours, hanging out and getting ready’ – again – i live across the street! like, what do you want me to say to that? and last night when i mentioned that 1 of the 3 and new girl planned a weekend away (again, no invite) on my birthday (not bitchy, just ‘oh bummer! that’s my bday!) she said essentially ‘oh….we’ll do it x day’.
so what the heck do i do? bring it up? and with who? keep trying to stay positive and include everyone? continue making an effort and hope a switch flips?
Post # 3
i’d be direct. like “hey, i noticed that x and x and i saw you doing x whrn you said youw ent to the gym. i hate to create drama and it isn’t my intention, but i wanna know, did i do anything wrong? was i offensive? please tell me cause i have no idea!”
Post # 4
@peonyinlove: I’ve been in this situation before. I know that it is frustrating, but sometimes this happens for no reason at all. I’m dealing with this now. I used to have a TIGHT knit group of friends, used to love hanging out and was always on the invite list. ALWAYS.
Then one girl, who I really like, went through a break up…and sometimes I feel like she basically stole my friends!!! UGH! We all do hang out but it’s not as frequent as it used to be and it’s sooooooo hard to not feel left out when they all mention that they’ve been hanging out together.
Some of this is my fault too. I put a higher value on my relationship with my SO than I do my friends…so I know I’ve been guilty about turning down invites. If you turn them down to often, you won’t get the invite at all.
Are you just casually texting and checking in? If so, then maybe try something that is more of an invite. ‘OMG I’m bored and need girl time! Anyone avail anytime soon?’ This way it’s clear that you want to hang out.
Something else I’ve worked on-I got new friends! I made a new BFF, and this helped a LOT. I was going to parties feeling a little left out for a while, then I starting inviting my new BFF along (SO too) and well, changed the dynamic a little bit.
Friendships ebb and flow and I’m sorry for your situation. Try to not take it personal and please try to not get your feelings hurt and cry. Sometimes…well, girls can be mean and catty and who knows WHAT they are bonding over. Are you in a happy relationship? Maybe they are not and are jealous. Are you leaving soon/going back home and they are staying? Maybe they are preparing for you to leave so it doesn’t hurt as bad. Just speculating here.
Hang in there and good luck!
Post # 5
That’s definitely frustrating.
If you were really close to those 3 original girls, I’d just bring it up. Make a coffee date and insist until most are able to make it. Then just be direct and ask if everything is okay between you. You were wondering because you’ve been feeling left out.
Maybe it’s not something intentional on their part and they haven’t realized they were excluding you. Maybe they don’t know you’re bothered by this. Maybe there is something wrong that needs addressed. I don’t know, but they do – so you need to just ask them.
Post # 6
@bebero: thanks – that’s what my SO has suggested as well. i guess i just i am extra nervous about having to essentially confront 3 people – i know how people are, and because there are 3, they could easily default to reassuring one another that they haven’t done anything and that i’m being ridiculous.
so that’s a worry of mine – that they will blow it off, continue the behaviour and then spin it as ‘peonyinlove doesn’t want us hanging out with you’.
obviously i’d have to word it very carefully, i just get nervous that it could go sideways :/
Post # 7
@veryberry13: you’re totally right that things ebb and flow, and i’d really been trying to ride it out and do my part to improve the situation, and now that i’ve seen that it’s intentional and not just general ‘busy ness’ etc it’s super hurtful.
but you’re right – they are not in relationships, and have likely bonded over that single lifestyle (for lack of a better term!) i definitely make an effort to say yes to plans, so i know it’s not that i’ve been turning them down, i haven’t!
@bowsergirl: yep, you’re right. i guess i just have to level with them and see what happens, thanks for the advice 🙂
Post # 8
Are they all single? Maybe they like to all hang out together because they’re single and don’t think you’d like to join them.
Post # 9
you just need to ask. tell them you miss hanging out with them as much and you noticed that theyve been hanging out without you and you just want to know why and if it’s something you did.
Post # 10
@rand04: two are in a relationship, but long distance, so essentially single while here. i think that’s the big thing.
@futuremrsk18: thanks, i think i will. i’m a littler nervous to hear the answer but it’s got to be done :/
Post # 11
@peonyinlove: that really sucks, there’s nothing more hurtful than feeling left out! 🙁 good luck trying to figure this out!