Issues with MOH

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@anon-bee:  If this was my MOh and one of my closest friends I would want her to be in my wedding period. So I would either buy the dress myself or let her find a black dress within her budget.

This is the moment where you decide whether your friend spending her money on a dress you want for your wedding is more important than having your friend in your wedding and your life.

 

Post # 4
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is the moment where you decide whether your friend spending her money on a dress you want for your wedding is more important than having your friend in your wedding and your life.

@j_jaye:  +1, well said.

Post # 6
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@anon-bee:  She is probably embarrassed. it is embarrassing to let a friend down and unfortunately it is human nature to avoid tough/embarrassing situations/talks.

Can you just let her find a dress in the right colour range? She is MOH so a slightly different dress wouldn’t be that unexpected at a wedding.

Post # 7
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I disagree with the PPs.It would be a wate of money to buy a dress for a disinterested MOH. Maybe she just doesn’t care about your wedding. She won’t respond to you AT ALL! Buying a $200 dress isn’t going to solve it. You just need to ask her if she still wants to be in the wedding, if she ignores you again, I’d give her a week to decide and if she doesn’t answer, I’d just take the pressure off of her and say “I really don’t want to put you in a financial bind because of the wedding and I don’t want you to resent me if you can afford it,so if you’d like to do a reading or another job in the wedding I’m cool with that.”

 

Post # 8
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@lina010:  +1. This ‘friend’ is ignoring all forms of contact, hasn’t done anything she has said she would… I would definitely give her the option of backing out, and tell her that she doesn’t seem to be interested in being a part of your wedding anymore, that there will be no hard feelings if she decides she can’t partake, and that you hope she enjoys herself as a guest only.

Post # 9
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@lina010:  Agreed. I also think it’s more than the dress at this point. She claimed the MOH spot from the get go…and she’s doing a poor job thus far in my opinion.

Post # 10
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

urgh. That’s so tough. I’ve seen this happen twice between myself and a friend of mine–WITH THE SAME GIRL. The girl wasn’t MOH in my wedding, she was a bridesmaid, but that was her issue. She refuised to buy the dress for my wedding after having 4 months to save and just planned on NOT ordering it–and not telling me–until I called her on it. With my other friend, the same girl was MOH but really flaky. She didn’t end up getting a dress by Tuesday before the weekend wedding (we literally just needed a knee-length grey dress from ANYWHERE–even our own closets. she ordered a pink and grey dress and “didn’t like it” so she had nothing.) In both cases, the girl ended up not in our weddings… and now neither of us are friends with this girl because of the fallout.

I don’t have any advice other than, it seems like she likes the IDEA of being MOH but not actually being MOH. I’d have a backup MOH honestly–take away her responsibilities (maybe without telling her) and give them to someone else, and don’t worry about her getting her act together. I hope you don’t end up having a blowout fight like I did… but be prepared for something like that to happen.

 

Post # 11
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Baroness_Meg:  Also agree with this. Had this exact convo with my flaky friend, and that’s what ended up happening. She only came to my wedding, I’m convinced, because a super dependable guy friend crammed her into his truck and drove her.

Post # 12
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i’d contact her and not even mention the wedding. she might feel like that’s all you talk about/care about. 

call her and say ‘hey that concert looked awesome blah blah blah – want to come over thursday night to watch blah? i really miss hanging out with you i feel like we haven’t spoken in a while. ‘

see if she’ll reconnect with you in that way – if yes, great, bring it up when you’re in person, if not – then you need to have a ‘are we still friends/what’s the deal’ talk.

Post # 13
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think you need to call her and have a serious heart-to-heart talk with her. 

I would begin by asking her how she’s doing and what’s been going on in her life and then asking her if she has been feeling pressure — financially or otherwise — regarding her participation in your wedding and that, if this is the case, you want to work with her to address this. 

Would she prefer NOT to be in the wedding and to just attend as a guest?  Does she definitely still WANT to be in it, but to purchase a less-expensive dress?  Does she feel awkward contacting the other girls?  Once you know what the issues are, then the two of you can decide what the best resolution will be.

Post # 14
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lina010:   

@Baroness_Meg:  Absolutely agree!

 

@anon-bee:  It seems like you’ve handled everything thus far as well as you possibly could. Regardless of her reason, she is being a bad friend let alone MOH. Ignoring you is so childish and goes beyond the wedding. If she has enough balls to announce “I’m so your MOH” then she should be adult enough to handle communicating with you about what’s going on.

 

Give her an option to back out, she may even feel relief or realize that she hasn’t exactly been a great supporter of her friend.

Post # 15
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with PP. Maybe try to talk to her about other things in her life to let her know you still care about her as a person.

But I also agree that she probably doesn’t want to be in the wedding. So give her an out. And if she doesn’t respond, take her out completely and just tell her, “It’s too late for you to order your dress now, so unfortunately, I can’t have you in the bridal party anymore. You are welcome to come as a guest if you still want to come.” 

Post # 16
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If it was just the dress thing, I would say cut her some slack and reach out about her situation – maybe she needs some help, maybe something happened with her finances (maybe someone else bought the tickets for her, you never know). But refusing to reach out to the other BMs? Using any other email provider is “blasphemy?” I call shenanigans, completely. Something is going on, and it’s about more than money.

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