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Give her a number of people that you and your FI can afford to pay for and anyone over that number that she wants invited she has to pay for. I bet her list will get a lot smaller real quick!
We made the initial guest list, and we allotted a cetain number of guests per each parent. There were no discussions, because I didn't leave room for discussions. His mother attempted to "go over my head" to FH, and she failed...miserably. It's up to you and FH.
It would be one thing if she were paying for it, but she's not. You're paying for it - you determine the guest list - end of story. I know it's not as easy as that, but I agree with the PPs. Tell her the per head cost and that she can pay for any guests over your 150 people.
Thanks you two for the advice - but my mother is pretty forceful. I asked her for a list 5 times she hasn't given it to me. She doesn't have the money to pay for it - so I can't really make her feel badly about that. :( Also, every time I try to give her a number - she responds with trying to make me feel badly about my friends I want to invite, saying how I'm asking her to snub all her friends, how i probably wont even be friends with my friends in 10 years and I have to invite people who will be in my life forever - ie. her list. SO ANNOYING! See, this is why I'm debating that I shouldn't have a wedding - but I feel like I shouldn't not have one because of avoiding fights.....
Also, if anyone had a 150 guest list - would they mind sharing how many people they allotted to each sides parents? and then to friends? thx
Set your budget and then go from there. It certainly was a rude awakening for me when I saw how much stuff costs. Once you set a firm budget (I researched and made a detailed budget) it easy to say, "sorry, that doesn't fit in the budget." I freaked out too when I got my mom's and FMIL's guests lists. But we worked it out. I'm sure you can do the same. good luck!
ladybug - she doesn't sound particularly rational - wow. To say that your friends wouldn't be in your life in 10 years is uncalled for. Do you have a father or siblings who could help out and try to talk to her?
Ladybug- I heard tradition was to split the numbers 3 ways, however, my mother appears to be wanting 55% for her, then the between us and DF's family. She is paying for the wedding.
Its great hearing that you guys worked it out!!! :) Are there other ways to ask a parent to shorten the list other than discussing money? I don't want to make my mom feel badly for not being able to pay for my wedding anymore than she already does. I think money may be a very touchy subject for some people. Ideas?
My guest list is 150. My FI and I actually don't have that many "friends" on our lists. Maybe 10 or so each. We love our friends of course, but we decided that family was more important to include than coworkers, etc.. We put all of our family on the list first, then our friends, the halved the remaining between our parents. Since my FI and I are paying for the wedding, our parents were pretty cool about not going overboard with their lists. I'd say give each parent 25-30 for their friends.
Ladybug- I heard tradition was to split the numbers 3 ways, however, my mother appears to be wanting 55% for her, then the between us and DF's family. She is paying for the wedding.
This can be a tough one! For us, we just made the guest list up ourselves. We are not inviting any over-extended family (just aunts/uncles/first cousins), and we picked our parents closest friends that we knew they would want and we would want and put them on the list. My parents and his mom made two extra requests and we put those people in. His Dad started spouting off all sorts of extra people that my fiance did NOT want, so he just straight up told him, sorry and too bad we don't want a massive wedding.
I find it easy to put our foot down when we're paying and they're not. I know it's hard to make your mom feel bad regarding money, but she is making you feel bad right back. Make your must-have guest list under 150 and then split the remaining guests among the parents. Tell her you would love to invite a million people but unfortunately it's not within your budget, and that you would need extra funds to let in the extra people. My parents did this when they got married and my dad's mom wanted to invite a million people. Guess what? They stayed within the allotted numbers!
ladybug718, since you and your FI are paying for the wedding, I would say you should get to set as much of the guest list as you want. Write down all of the friends and family members you definitely want to invite, then divide the "leftover" spots between your sets of parents. Your parents can "spend" their spots on more distant family members or their friends, as they see fit.
I'm sorry your mom is being so pushy and difficult, but this might be a great chance to learn how to stand up for yourself! When you tell your mom how many guests she's allowed to invite, she will probably get upset and argue with you. Don't argue back. Just say "I'm sorry you're upset, but FI and I are paying for the wedding, and our numbers are not up for discussion." Don't try to convince her you're right, or frame it as "asking" her to cut her guest list. Just lay down the law and say "this is how it is. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it's not going to change."
Thank you all! Everyone has good suggestions and thanks for sharing your experiences. Its nice to hear other people have had some challenges with their parents list - not just me - and have overcome those challenges too. :) *peyton* perhaps I will try to get my aunt in on the conversation.
Our target attendance is 150-175. So it worked out that my parents got to put about 60 on the list, FMIL got to put about 60 on the list, and FI and I put about 60 friends on the list. When our initial lists were compiled, there were about 240 on the list (this was before any cuts had to be made). Now we are down to 200 on the list, and thankfully everyone has been easy to deal with. I didn't tell each side of the family that they could only have around 60 people on the list. It just worked out that way, and definitely depends on the size of the families. I have found that I can't tell my mom or FI's mom or FI that someone they want to invite is not important enough to invite, because I don't know their relationships. For example, my FMIL is like a sister with her cousins, so it is important to invite that whole portion of her extended family, whereas my mom and dad will have none of their cousins at the wedding.
I'm not sure if that helps you, but don't get stressed about it. I got really upset thinking it was going to ruin the wedding and the whole planning process and that I wasn't going to be able to have the wedding I wanted because too many people had to be invited, etc... and now looking back I totally over-reacted at that initial 240 number.
Make a list of pple that you and your fiance definately are inviting ..and what ever is left ..thats the amt your mom can invite ..No ifs, ands or buts,..If she can not afford to contribute ( which i fully understand) ,that she has no right to dictate to you who to invite or make you feel guilty about this . This is suppose to be joyous occasion , so enjoy and please don't stress :) If this idea doesn't work , i would suggest her writing the names of pple she wants ..who knows maybe u have some of the same names on your list ?? Good luck !
Omgosh, thank you! My "mom" problems are not solved yet, but I feel so much better now than when I first wrote this post!!!
We have a limit of 150. We made a list of everyone we wanted to invite (including both mom's requests) and then narrowed it from there. It was not easy. Parents were not completely satisfied. But we did all we could do/afford.
My dad is doing this to me too (although, he has the "advantage" of paying for part of the wedding). We want to invite no more than 150 and are hoping to have less then 100 show up (75 people would be great!). My FI's parents put 12 couples on the list, for a total of about 30 people (that's counting kids). My mom put in about 20 people. So I told my dad he could invite no more then 20 people, and I would prefer them to be people I actually knew. He threw a fit. My issue is still not resolved.
However, I suggest you stick to your guns. Make a decision with your FI about the final invite list and tell your mom "You have __ number of people you can invite and no more because we cannot afford a large guest list. Since we are paying out of pocket for this, and no one else is contributing, its unfair of you to pressure us to invite more people then we can afford."
IMHO- if she doesn't have any money to help contribute, she should count her lucky stars that you are letting her have a list! Where is this sense of entitlement coming from, mom?!
All the previously mentioned ideas are spot-on, so i'm not going to repeat. But, it is totally not right for you to feel guilty about guilting her when she's doing it to you!! Be strong, tell her like it is, and dont' take her crap. I mean, seriously, she needs to deal and start being more reasonable. You can only do SO MUCH to make EVERYONE happy. It's not going to happen.
OH, and tell your mom if you don't get a list from her by X that includes X people, you're going to do the inviting yourslef and it will only include a small handful of those folks...or none!
We split our guest list of 100 as 30 for each of our parents and 40 for us, we were a bit flexible, because we ended up with 32 people from FH's parents and 36 from mine. They could use their 30 people for anyone they wanted (family, friends etc) - but our 40 were for our friends, so if they didn't include grandma in their list she wouldn't get an invite (we used the tough love - and our parents behaved)
We have 100 guests, but our Italian families are quite large. Whatever number was left over by the time the family was listed was split into three. We each got a certain number of friends per couple. The issues came up when FMIL told someone's boyfriend they could come with the someone, and he wasn't on the list. Trust me - it got ugly. She is forceful. She also thought I was making the calls, but we were on it together.
That's been our family secret in keeping this smooth - not ONE move without the other. That way, it's our decisions the whole way. No parent can look at our situation and think the other is running it. You can do it very nicely without having to make her feel badly. The bottom line is that this day is for you and your FH. You must be fair to all parents and yourselves.
Here's my thing:
If she isn't paying for the wedding, I don't think she really gets a say in who you should invite. I much rather invite my closests friends, who I see every week, and talk to everyday, then invite family members who I have never meet, and if we have meet then last saw or spoke to 7 years ago. So I would tell your mom "Hey I haven't seen these family members in x amount of years, and I don't really feel comfortable inviting them, espically since I don't really know them, even if they are family, and I also can't afford them plus x amount of friends too." If she wants or offers to pay for them then well that's a different matter.
Don't let her make you feel guilty. Tell her you can only afford x people total which means she can only invite y people. If she refuses to give you her list, then her people aren't invited.
Thanks guys! Its so interesting hearing everyones different opinions - it definitely helps put things into perspective. Since then, I think I may give up my "dream" location and start to look for a more affordable location to be able to accom. 10-15 more people.....ugh!
if you're paying for the wedding, don't feel obligated to invite ANYONE from her list. Your friends are more important than your third cousin twice removed...haha
OMG this is the biggest headache. I swear the guestlist is a thorn in most people's side.
When it comes down to it, YOU are paying for the wedding so YOU get to decide who is invited. Perhaps you can give your mother a number and say that she can choose from her list who she wants within that number.
I really feel for you. We are dealing this right now with FI's family. My family is payin for it, but they want to invite the world and we are even having a second reception for them to attend. So, I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm sorry!! I hope you guys work it out!
hi ladybug, well, my parents also wanted to invite the world to our wedding, and i know it's soo hard, but perhaps you could just try to tell her that she can only invite x amount of people and that's it, you want to be surrounded by people you actually know and want to be there other than strangers, right?? eck, it's so hard...my parents and i fought numerous times about this and i, with the help of my sister were able to allot a number of guests for them to invite...
good luck with it, it's so hard, but i'm sure you'll work things out=)
We did it in percentages. Everyone came up with an ideal list and when we were 250% over that number that we could afford (200 we could afford and 500 people were on the ideal guest list), everyone had to sit down and knock of a certain percentage of their guests unti the total number was correct. My mom's list was small so she only had to knock off 3 people but my FMIL's list was enormous so she had to cut quite a few people of her choosing. I did it this way so it would be more fair. And my mom couldn't say that anyone had to have more cuts than she did - everyone had to do the same amount. And I did when the invites went out cut a few more of hers and she never even noticed.
My fiance and I are inviting 150 people, and we are paying for the whole thing ourselves. My parents are both deceased. Our guest list is probably 95% friends, 5% family, because our friends are the family we've chosen. FMIL has suggested (not demanded) that we invite a few friends of hers (3 or 4 people, tops). And that's it, as far as parental input to our guest list goes. If we're paying for it, we determine who comes. Period.
It makes me really sad that you'd rather give up your dream location for just 10-15 people. I would not worry about it at all, and like other posters have said--tell her the lay of the land. The truth is, you're going to regret your wedding day not being your dream, and you've already mentioned you're spending more than you'd like to get the wedding you want. Don't let her pressure you out of it--just don't worry about it. Tell her you need her list of however many people, you'll work in as many as you can and that's it. Seriously!
We made our guestlist ourselves, and didn't give a choice to either parent. I have an extremly large family (think 8 aunts/uncles on one side and 4 on the other, all of which have two+ kids) so we invited those who are closest to us, and told our parents it was our wedding therefore our choice and simply are sending out the invitations without telling them anything more.
Thanks again everyone. :) Such great advice. I've sort have been avoiding my mother - I guess now that I have had time to think about it and hear everyones opinions, I should confront the problem head on!!! Thanks!
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My mothers list is 130+ people and we want our wedding to be only 150 people (due to costs). We have not signed any contracts yet and every discussion about this wedding is turning into a HUGE headache. I should mention that money is an issue. My fiance and I are both in school --> low on funds. I am planning (and paying for myself) a semi-pricey wedding - probably out of my means, but its what we both really want. Every time my mother and I talk about the wedding its an enormous argument - fighting about money, who in the family to invite - she tries to make me feel badly about wanting to invite my friends and cutting off family that I wouldn't recognize if I bumped into them on the street. I'm really beginning to feel so stressed and the wedding process hasn't even begun. I want to be excited, but all this stress isn't worth it!! What should I do? I feel like if money weren't an issue - none of this would be an issue. Are any other brides out there struggling with this issue? Should I forget a wedding altogether to avoid this? Help! :P