Weddingbee boards

Okay bees I need some advice.. My wedding is less than 3 weeks away and my mom (who is supposed to marry us) isn't speaking to me. It's a complicated situation but I'll try to explain. My mom met my stepdad in September of 2008. She married him in November of that same year (2 months to the day they met) He was perfectly nice to me before they were married, even gave me his car since they no longer needed it. By January though I was at my limits with how rude he became when he moved in so I moved out. I lived away for a year and when my lease is up my mom asked FI and I to come back and rent the mother-inlaw suite attached to the house to help them out financially. Things became akward once again and he started saying things to my FI like "sometimes you have to lie to your wife because they get emotional" or other things badmouthing me and otherwise unhealthy for our relationship. He also would enter a room and literally stop me from having a conversation with my mother because he didn't want us ever talking in private or where he couldn't hear. FI and I started looking for a place of our own but Mom and stepdad decided to move to a new city closer to their church (they're both ministers) so we are now renting my mom's house. Last Monday my stepdad came to pick up their furniture and was rude to my FI so he left the house even tho he was home sick sick, broke my dresser, piled heavy items on top of my laptop computer, locked their cat and my dog in a room together (they don't get along) causing damage and scared pets, and trashed my livingroom. I got home from a 10 hour shift and found my house in this condition and called my mom and had some words about how he is disrespectful and rude and I didn't appreciate it. She basically told me she can't do anything about her husband and I needed to get over the problems I have with him. I became upset and said a few more things and she hung up on me. The next day she wrote me a letter saying she couldn't control him and I shouldn't put her in the middle. I let things go and didn't talk to her for a week so we could both cool off but had to call her about a business message she received today. We got on the subject of my stepdad and I told her that I did not think it was fair to be forced into having a relationship with someone that was rude and disrespectful to me just because she is married to him. She told me that things like that happen in marriages and there was no choice. I told her I chose not to have a relationship with my own father because of how he treated me and I refuse to be forced into a relationship with someone who means nothing to me just because he's married to her. This hurt her feelings and she said she had to go. What else can I possibly do in order to keep my relationship with my mom (especially so close to the most important day in my life)? I love my mom dearly but I don't think its fair to be forced to be polite and enteract with him on a constant basis even though he doesn't treat me well. Am I wrong for setting my boundaries? Any advice?

Well...I think in the end the issue is if you want to have a relationship with your mother or not. She made it perfectly clear if you are not polite to her new husband than she will not want to be in your life. So, either be polite or don't, but you need to be perfectly okay with decisions either way.

I fake polite with people I don't like ALL the time. Like my grandmother. Nasty old woman, but she is my dad's mother so to keep the peace between him and I...I am "polite".

I get where you guys are coming from I guess i just don't understand why its too much to ask for to have a conversation without him jumping in. I also don't get why/how I end up as the bad guy in this situation but I guess it is how it is. It looks like I have some tough decisions to make.

i agree with @msblueshoes. limit your convos with him. if u need to talk to mama, go to llunch or something, or have your man distract him, play his lil game. and first and foremost, change the locks. u r a renter, he is not allowed in your house without you there or without your permission. i say ignore him, limit contact, and dont indulge him when he says outlandish stuff...and your sweetie should prepare himself that ole stepdaddy is gonna say crazy stuff.  and when its all said and done, i know u wanna help mama, but i would try to see about getting out of their house.  i know finances may not permit, but certainly try and not see the man. he sounds like an a$$....