Issues with the in-laws…and moving forward!

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My FMIL is very emotionally abuse towards my SO and his siblings, and she is always quick to blame her children’s SO’s for all her made-up problems. I tried so hard to get along with her and just smile and nod at her critisicm for so long. But when it came down to the one time I decided to stick up for myself and her son (while she was telling my stepson that there’s something wrong with his dad and that he needs to get him so she can talk to him), I was “a nobody” and I “mean nothing,” and she didn’t have a problem telling all her FB friends that too…. My SO also was harassed for a week after the “incident,” by her telling him how ashamed she is of him and how ungrateful and what a terrible son he is for blocking her on Facebook (so he didn’t have to put up with her slandering me) and for not answering his phone so she can yell at him some more, as well as using his son on an evening she had him to run into our house and grab the clothes that she bought him so we don’t have them (even though they ended up at our house anyways because he wore them one day).  It got to the point that my SO and I had to block her numbers so she couldn’t call/text us either.  Having a relationship with my in-laws has always been so important.. but you can’t cure crazy.  I’m just glad my FSILs are so awesome.  I seem to get along with my FFIL, but I’ve only met him once since he lives so far away.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’m excited that she’s no longer in our lives and we can move on without feeling like I’m constantly walking on eggshells.  I feel…. free.  Relieved.  Almost ecstatic.

Just out of curiousity, do you two plan on inviting them to your wedding?

Post # 4
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MKWeddingBee:  That really sounds like a great way to approach inviting them to the wedding. It invites them there while letting them know that there are consequences to their actions.  I think that’s the worst part about situations like these… parents can feel like they can get away with anything when it comes to how they treat their children. Good luck with everything, darling!  

Post # 5
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

MKWeddingBee:  Glad to hear you are in a better place.  I have struggled a lot with my relationship with my FIL’s and i hope one day we can be in a better place.  Like you said, not braiding each others hair but jsut accepting the relationship for what it is and not trying to make it something it’s not.  

Post # 6
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Backyard

I 100% understand what you are going through. It is such a horrible thing to experience when someone makes it their life mission to make sure you’re unhappy. FI and I have been together for almost 8 years now and it’s been over 2 years since we’ve talked to his parents. It’s so sad and crushing for me, especially since I didn’t really have a family of my own and I wanted nothing more than to be accepted by them. It took a long time for the hurt and anger to go away but it does. Now I just feel sorry for them. Their anger and hate will never affect anyone else more than it will affect them. 

So good on you for being able to live a happy life even after something so hurtful has happened to you. Know that you’re not alone and you have our support

Post # 8
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

MKWeddingBee:  I know this post is a few months old but I had to say thank you for posting! It feels so good hearing that someone knows exactly what I’m going thru and is healing. I’m sad you had to deal with that but thank god you’re FI was supporting you! I also have been blamed for everything and it sucked. It has been so emotionally draining and even physically exhausting! My FI had been beaten down so much from his family that it was a very difficult road to have him see he deserved to be treated well and just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can treat him like shit. I am trying to work on healing. My FI and I are moving this summer to cut off/lessen interaction with specific family members. That will help. I’m having a hard time since basically his family got away with everything little consequences and no lessons learned. Do you have any tips or thoughts that helped your healing? 

Post # 10
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

MKWeddingBee:  you are making me feel so much better. I don’t have anyone in my life that has/is going thru anything like what I’m going thru. It feels great to not feel alone! Boundaries have been set yet been ignored a few times (grrrrr) but they have sorta helped. My FI has been getting more and more blunt and proactive with his certain family members whenever they screw with us. I wish we could move now frankly it’s amazing I’ve lasted this long. I have a question. Did/are you struggling with being disappointed with how your FI dealt with these issues? I was really let down and totally felt ganged up on and my FI didn’t have my back like I thought he would. I know it was hard for him too but I was blamed for everything and my FI almost was manipulated enough by his family to think I was the one making problems. I’m still hurt by that. I understand that family dynamics aren’t easily broken and my FI had no self-esteem/worth before me so standing up for himself was challenging but I still worry he doesn’t truly have my back. He’s made a lot of progress but I have yet to see him solve these issues as quickly and efficiently as I would do for him. :/  I’m trying to I guess forgive him as well do you have any suggestions as to how to move past this or feel like he does have my back? 

Post # 12
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

MKWeddingBee:  I want to send you a box of chocolates lol you’re helping me soo much and I can’t thank you enough. My FI also just ignored things it was easier and such a hard time for him to realize he had to be very confrontational if things were to change. Thankfully him and I are so honest and open with each other. He knows how much this has effected me and knowing he’s upset too helped too. His family almost bullied me into doubting my own worth and making me think they were right and I was making all the issues. So not cool! I am like you I have always been very emotionally sensitive. I see it as allowing me to love more than most people can but it also means I can hurt more than most. I try to embrace it but it sucks how one rude comment ruins my day. I’m working on valuing myself more to become more confident in myself so rude comments may sting but I immediately know I’m a good person and can stay in a good mood. We’ll see how that goes! I admit I thought about everything his family did way too much I couldn’t help it at first. But I’m so sick of the toll it’s taking I know I have to move on. Planning my wedding has definitely been a fun and harmless obsession that makes me happy and let’s my mind focus on better things. I’m going to be writing a letter to each family member (but not send it) that totally let’s me get it all out. They will be very long letters and probably a lot of swearing but I know being able to get it out will be so relieving and then I’ll burn the letters and hopefully keep moving on! 

You have been so helpful you taking the time to help me really means a lot. I am so grateful you shared your experiences with me. Thank you thank you thank you!!! 

Post # 13
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Glad to hear OP. Kudos for standing up for yourself and establishing boundries. 

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