It been 3 good years, he cant be mad at me…

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I would ask for a timeline before you drop an ultimatum. Bring up the fact that you are going to try to have a child…. If he wants to have a child with you, he needs to be at least engaged to you first. 

Post # 3
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

yogahhh:  Hi there! I’m a waiting bee as well, and though I’m not the same age as you, I have been with my SO almost 4 years and have lived together for 6 months, so we are in a very similar situation. When we moved in, I got a bit fired up thinking about everything, just like it seems that you are. My SO always said I was the one he wanted to marry, but until I really explained to him the timing of everything, he just simply didn’t understand. I had told him I wanted to be married by 23, because he and I have a large age gap. He simply didnt understand until I broke everything down for him. He didn’t really understand that engagements take a year or so, and that a ring can take a while to shop for and all that. Also, he simply didnt understand how I was feeling about him “dragging his feet”. I think he just thought “one day, when she’s 23, we’ll think about it”. 

So my suggestion is to simply tell him that you are getting frustrated, and tell him the way you see your timeline panning out. You don’t have to “pressure” him or give him an ultimatum, you simply need to explain where you are coming from, and if he loves you, he will work to understand and hopefully come up with a plan for your future together. By holding this in, you will begin to resent him, which will NOT help in the long run if you do end up married. I say it’s time for a good, thorough conversation 🙂

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  edepp2010.
Post # 4
Member
692 posts
Busy bee

I’d put it bluntly and point out your age and desire to have kids and marry. He needs to shit or get off the pot.

Post # 5
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think wanting to be career stable is an excuse.  I think it’s valid that guys want to propose when they feel like they are in a good place overall.

However, neither one of you should be waiting to live your life.  I would phrase it this way, followed by the fact that you are mid-30s and you both want to have a child.  I would then ask for a timeline and explain how you are hurting from the feeling of constantly waiting.  I don’t think this situation requires an ultimatum, just a very strong push.

Post # 6
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would ask for a timeline and let him know how important marriage is to you, especially before you have children. I hestitate at delivering an ultimatium like “marry me by such and such a date or I’ll leave you” because you will either drive him away because of pressure or forever feel like he only married you because you forced the issue, not because he wanted to. That being said, if he keeps dragging his feet and is unwilling to give you what you want then there is nothing wrong with making the decision to leave the relationship.

Neither one of you can force the other to do something they don’t want (i.e. he can’t make you be content with living together and having babies without marriage and you can’t make him want to marry you). All you can do is have a conversation about your needs, and a timeline that you are both comfortable with. Good luck! 

Post # 7
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why are some men like this? I do find it asinine that you can live with someone for over a year, talk about this person as your future wife, and still not commit. Using the excuse that your career is not where you want it to be is ridiculous. Life is what happens when you’re making other plans, as the saying goes. Perfect timing is a mirage. Waiting until all aspects of your life are in a perfect place before you marry? Hah! You think your life is set in stone and once you get to a certain point it’s all good from there and you can proceed according to plan? No. Things happen, things change, and you deal with them together.

I’m going to be blunt here because it really baffles me when people post how they’ve been waiting for and living with someone for years without a proposal and they’re miserable. I don’t believe that kind of patience is a virtue, it’s a sacrifice. Sacrifice has no place in a healthy relationship, as it breeds resentment. So, if you want to just hang out and play pretend wife while he find himself, great. But if you don’t, tell him what you have said here. And if he doesn’t do anything about it, stop wasting your time. Grow a set and leave. 

Post # 9
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

yogahhh:  Good. Continue to be honest with him, there is nothing to be gained by hiding your feelings about the situation. The whole shut it up thing needs to be shut down lol. Be calm, be firm, not teary (as hard as that is, I’m sure). Take care!

Post # 11
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why not propose to him?

Post # 12
Member
6749 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If he is considering kids while in a less than ideal job- then he has no excuse for not getting married. Getting married can cost as little as you want it to, but kids are expensive.

Post # 14
Member
47 posts
Newbee

best of luck chick – i know how a few glasses of wine can lead to some less than elegantly delivered feelings but sometimes better out than in!

Post # 15
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Personally I would not have a kid in this situation. It would just irk me that he’s willing to live together, willing to get pregnant, but not willing to get married? What’s up with that?

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