Post # 1
I am a well known bee from the west coast with a bit of an issue.
My future husband is the love of my life.. he proposed in the summer and we have been amazing. We do not live together, great relationship, everything is really really good. except this… I feel a little cut out of things and like my opinion only matters a little in situations.
He asks me career advice and I know him well enough that I advise him based on what is best for him and what makes him happy. He is miserablle and every other day or so wants to quit but refuses to go without work for weeks. He tells me that he wants to leave and that he will put in his notice but then he talks to his parents and he changes his mind and stays. I am the one who sees how much he hates the job not them.
Also, when it comes to saving our money it turns into an arguement… when to plan things for the wedding becomes an arguement. We found a beautiful venue in August with everything we could ever want.. but we cant agree on how to move forward.
I feel like I am just trying to have a conversation but he misreads me for making an arguement.
We respect eachother, we have no financial issues as individuals, we work well together always.. but for some reason I just feel like I dont have a say in big decisions and I am worried that this is going to be an ongoing issue.
He lets his mother walk all over me and make hurtful remarks. The problem is that he is SOOOO non-confronational. A quality I love, but hate at the same time in few situations.. .he avoids conflict so much that he doesnt see that someone else is being hurtful, and sees serious conversations as confrontation that he does not want to be a part of.. so he shuts down.
What do I do? How do I make him see that these are things that need to be discussed and compromised on.. and that I feel like my strong opinions are nothing is he disagrees? How do I help him compromise? How do I make him see that his mother can be hurtful? i didnt want him to go against her, I just want him to stick up for our decisions as a couple instead of just excepting her trying to control things? I just want him to see things my way and consider them!
Post # 3
Yikes! I know how it feels to be non-confrontational. It has taken a few classes, and a lot of courage for me to start being assertive. However, that is with people I work with or don’t feel comfortable with. I’ve always been extremely honest with my parents and family. I don’t think you can make him do or feel anything. I hate to tell you this, but his mother probably makes all the decisions in his life, and he has always let her.
Men in general are not very good wedding planners, and they don’t understand time lines, and the order of things. If I were you I would read up on every step before you make any decisions so that you have all the answers. It may help for him to put more trust in you.
I’m not sure why he doesn’t see that his mom is hurtful. Could you be overly sensitive? Does she make sarcastic comments, that are common in that family, but you take them personally? Is she purposely hurtful to you? Maybe you need to give your fiance a few examples of when she hurt your feelings, and gentley ask him what can be done about it.
Post # 4
Also, you might help to keep reminding him, that once you two are married, you will be one flesh, a team, a unit. You will be his partner in life, and its important that you always present a united front. If he is not ready or willing for that kind of dedication, then he is not ready for marriage.
Also, always helps to have his mom on your side! If she doesn’t like you, start by bringing over desert if you go there for dinner. Maybe buy some toys for her dog. Compliment her on her outfit. Tell her about some good sales you saw.
Post # 5
@hiddenbee99: I haven’t been in your situation so I hope this helps…
Is there anyone who your FH listens to? Maybe having an unbiased person to be your advocate? My bff’s husband can not deal with confrontation at all; he literally shuts down and won’t say anything else for the rest of the night. She learned to have to hold his hand and gently remind him of the bigger picture. Patience is a virture here.
As for his mother, you might just have to develop a tough skin for her. Your FH might never see your side on how she treats you until it directly affects him.
Post # 6
@hiddenbee99: A lot of stuff at play here…
Regarding his misery at his job… that’s about him, not you. I’ve been dealing with my husband’s shitty job and his shitty attitude toward it for a long time. Sometimes my insecurities would come into play… like why can’t I help? Why can’t I make him feel better? Why doesn’t take my advice? It just exacerbated the entire issue. He’s obviously upset, then I’m upset. And it’s a big old ball of FUCK! So let that go. Just support his choices, be an ear to listen. But don’t take that terribly personal.
Now, onto his Mother… again, my husband is the type to take the path of least resistance. And it pisses me off to no end. I made it clear, set the expectation, that when it comes to his parents pissing HIM off, he can handle how he sees fit. When they offend ME however, he has an obligation to step in. That’s that. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And he has met me halfway on this.
It’s not fair for him to “shut-down” on you any time you have some type of issue that needs ironing out. That’s what couples, especially spouses, NEED TO DO! I don’t know how you approach these conversations, hopefully you aren’t immediately putting him on the defensive. I’ve stopped doing the “We need to talk” bit (guys HATE that phrase!!). Now it’s “Hey, can I ask you a question?” And phrase it as non-chalant as possible.
If you haven’t looked into premarital counseling, DO IT! It’s a neutral territory, with a neutral third party, and you have an opportunity to air out your grievances, set expectations for one another, etc. As long as BOTH of you are willing to work at this, it’s a totally workable problem. But get it taken care of!
Best of luck to you!