Post # 1
I was having an interesting conversation with a friend about this recently.
Last week I thought I caught my SO lying to me about something pretty major. I confronted him about it, got upset, but he swore to me that it wasn’t true and he wouldn’t lie to me. Although it still bothered me, I “decided” to trust him. I say “decided” because although I didn’t truly believe it, I thought that being in a relationship meant having trust and faith, and that if he told me something, I should believe it. In reality, I think that since we had a lot of trust issues in the beginning of our relationship, I just didn’t want to deal with it again, and I didn’t want to experience that pain.
Turns out, I found out he actually was telling me the truth and I had jumped to conclusions.
But as I was telling my friend, I was completely ready to have faith in what he said even if I didn’t really believe in it.
So this is my question to you. In a relationship, if you catch someone in a lie or in what you a pretty sure is a lie, is it okay to just let it go when it is denied? Is it okay to trust someone who you think has, in fact, broken your trust?
Where would you draw the line? Cheating? Or way before that?
Post # 3
I think it dpends on the relationship. My Fiance is a very good man to me, and I think and hope he would never lie to me about anything major. Of course he has told little white lies to me, that have turned into discussions about how am I suppose to believe you about major things, if you lie to me about the little things? I have done it too, and so the converstaion has been about me also, but not the big of a deal in the end. No one is perfect.
But sometimes your gut just knows something. I have def. had friends tell me that their bf swore up and down for years that they didn’t/did do something and then found out it was a lie eventually, because they kept bringing it up, and I think that is because their gut kept telling them it was a lie. Sometimes your intution is the best thing to follow.
Now if you decided to believe the lie, then you might be setting youself up for future heartache. You can end up decieving yourself too, because you continue to believe something that you don’t truly believe, and that can’t be good for you. I think you when you choose to believe your SO, then you need to truly believe, because if you don’t it will keep eating at you, and you will be hurt either way. I’ve been in relationships like that before, where I adted a guy and he cheated on me, but I deicded to believe he wasn’t because he told me he wasn’t. Well go to show I didn’t truly believe him, and I would get upset about everything. Eventaully found out they did cheat on me, and we split up.
Trust is something that should not be based on “Well it’s okay if you lie to me, because I trust you, and so I will believe you.” That’s kinda messed up to me, but to each their own?
Post # 4
I voted “other” because the only lies that are acceptable in our relationship are those that have to do with giving presents to each other. In other words, if he or I guess what a present it, it is okay for the other person to deny that that is what it is, until the giving of the present.
Post # 5
Nope. We don’t lie to eachother.
I don’t consider giving inaccurate information to avoid revealing a surprise to be lying, but some may and that’s the only time it’s acceptable to me.
Post # 6
Id rather my Fiance tell me the absolute truth,than be lied to,even little white lies,because I dont want to feel like I have been treated like a fool.
Post # 7
@vlbee: Well the line is drawn way before cheating, but I’ve also learned that my trust issues (not because of Fiance, due to another male figure in my life) have made me assume the worst when it comes to things like that. So, in the beginning I had a HARD time trusting him. I definitely get where your coming from – of course, if I knew for a fact he was lying that would NOT be acceptable and I’d say only little white lies (i.e. gifts, surprises, etc) but really, I’ve been in a similar position to you a few years ago.
I decided that before I freaked out, I would need to see something concrete. It was a good decision and has helped me learn to trust instead of assuming the absolute worst. Of course, there is a limit to what we can all do. I’m not sure I’ll ever trust anyone 100% – and I’m okay with that. It’s something I’m working on but won’t be changeable easily. I’ve got a lot of hurt to sift through before I can do that. Personal growth and all that. 🙂
Post # 8
From the very beginning, Darling Husband and I were totally committed to being open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING. We talk through issues, and we also keep them between us until they’re settled. We are also very naturally open, chatty people though, so I have to say, it comes pretty easily to both of us.
I don’t mind if he fibs about a surprise or something, though. To me that’s not lying because I’ll know eventually, and he thinks the same thing. Anything beyond that though and I want to know the truth. He’s my very best friend and I want and need to trust him.
Post # 9
Okay, another query: Say in a normally trusting couple, one person thinks the other is lying, and won’t drop it because it’s a “gut feeling.” But the other one swears up and down that they are not lying.
Can the subject be dropped…and the couple agrees to disagree? Who gets the benefit of the doubt here?
Sorry, I’m a sociologist at heart, lol…just curious about the dynamics of faith in relationships.
Post # 10
I think it depends on the person and relationship. My ex lied a lot. Even when I knew he was lying, he would say he wasn’t. So no, I wouldn’t trust him and just let it go. I’d remember it until I eventually caught him with it, and then got mad at him for lying. (yes, it was a bad relationship).
The only time my husband has ever lied was to keep a secret for a surprise present or something. He’s just not a liar. So if he said he didn’t lie, I would believe him and it would be done with.
Post # 11
@vlbee: From my experience, it depends on what the gut feeling is about. In my past, I have not given up on finding out the truth when I just *knew* my ex SO was lying about something. I have great intuition and so I was not about to give in and let him believe he was right. Turns out, he was lying! There are some people that honestly cannot stand if someone else gets away with a lie. Personally, I don’t care nowadays. I have grown up since my lying ex and I split so I know when to let things go. I know in my heart that if the person who I think is lying really IS lying, well then they get to suffer with guilt! It doesn’t bother me unless it’s something major….I could easily agree to disagree if my gut feelings were just about something small. It doesn’t bother me one bit because like I said, only the alleged liar is the one who really knows the truth and so the guilt shall eat at them until they confess 🙂
Post # 12
I’m not really into the whole lying thing. Little white lies are fine, especially if it’s just a joke and I find out at the moment or sometime a little later. But lying about anything else just seems ridiculous to me.
Although I think relationships should be built on trust. If I thought my Fiance was lying about something major, I would be pissed.. and I wouldn’t just give him the benefit of the doubt. Trust doesn’t mean stupidity. Everyone messes up. I don’t go around accusing him of things… but every once in a while, it’s ok to call him out!
Post # 13
Loaded question with no certain answer, it totally depends on the lie. Does he LOVE my dress? Nope, he really doesnt… should he tell me so? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! If I found out would I say anything? NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Post # 14
no lying… at all. Darling Husband and I are incredibly honest with each other (no flat out lying, stretching, leaving out info, or mixing truth with lie) and have been from the very beginning…. it’s been a great foundation to our communication and we both know that we’re safe and secure to be totally ourselves with each other…. even when it might initially hurt the other.
I do like noritake22‘s answer though!.. lol… that would never work with us though, I’m a TERRIBLE liar…. probably why I’ve learned to just be so honest. lol