Post # 1
Soooo, I have been trying to get to know my FILs better. And to include them in the wedding wherever possible. For example, I offered to pay FMILs way back to SA (plane ticket) so she could be here and be a part of the planning and all that jazz. She seemed to be pretty into the whole thing so I thought she’d like to be here. She replied and set a specific date ( other than the date offered) to coincide with an event she’d like to attend here at home and so she doesn’t miss a concert she wants to see. No biggie – it is expensive and she’d like some bang for my buck. Though I think it trivialises the gesture a little bit, I don’t want to be over sensitive about it. I’m rolling with it.
So I invited my FBIL (who I am trying to get to know better) out to dinner and we never see him so I like that we can all be friends and I asked if he’d like his long-time gf (who hates me due to opposing views on the world) to be in the bridal party – because he is obviously in it and we have a string of lovely bridal party things planned. He seemed to love the idea. I would like to get to know her better too and hopefully move past any differences we have and for all of us to have some fun together getting to know each other. Also, I am fairly sure they’ll be tying the knot so it is a way to cement a relationship that will be around for a while, right?
So I email her and say all of this and point out that it could be fun, getting together and hanging out and would she like to be in the wedding. I thought I am being super nice – a lovely gesture to extend an olive branch to her and as a general gesture of brevity to FBIL. Also, I am paying for everything for the bridal party (as it’s the done thing here) so it won’t cost her anything.
She flat ignores me. She doesn’t mail back to say thanks, but no thanks – she just ignores the email altogether.
What do I do now? FBIL and FH seemed so keen on the idea, now i have to tell them sorry she’s ignoring it, and I really don’t want to start anything. Also, she’ll be AT the wedding anyway, and I think this is going to create a weird vibe – no one wants that on their wedding day.
Anyone have some insight for me? Thanks in advance.
Post # 3
@Flanders: How long ago was it that you e-mailed? She may not have seen it or is considering either accepting or declining, if it’s under a week to ten days, give her time, i’d follow up with a call to make sure she had a chance to read it before I did anything else.
Post # 4
Do you ever see her in real life? Could it be something you bring up to her in person? Or a phone call. You could always be like “Hey, I sent you an email last week but wasn’t sure if you got it. I wanted to call and make sure your email address was right since I hadn’t heard back from you!”. If she is a total biotch then that might be a bad idea but any sane person would have to reply to that.
If nothing else, talk to your fiance and his brother about it. Maybe then can figure something out.
Either way, I think it’s really cool of you to be the bigger person and try to make things work with his famiy.
Post # 5
You can’t make anyone like you or be nice to you, unfortunatley. You invited her and this is, obviously, her response. You haven’t started anything.
I would just tell your FBIL that she has not responded to your efforts to contact her and see what he says. If he is upset about the fact that she is ignoring you, I’m sure he will have a talk with her. If he’s not upset and just says, “oh well, thanks for the gesture,” then you’re off the hook.
It was very kind of you to go out of your way in the first place but I wouldn’t take it any further or try to talk her into it.
Sorry you are having to deal with this. You will probably be better off if she continues to stay away.
Post # 6
@Nona99: It’s been over a week now. Maybe wait it out another week before I say anything. I don’t want to stir the proverbial pot you know?
@Birdee106: I used to see her but not so much anymore as she is currently out of the country doing a course. I think maybe to wait until I do see her and then do what you said and just mention it casually?
Thanks for the advice guys 🙂
Post # 7
@MrsM914: LOL! My thoughts exactly. I must admit I am scared to bring it up with him because if he does talk to her about it, maybe she’ll accept just to smooth things over with him. Who wants someone in your bridal party who is doing it to avoid drama with their SO? Like I said, I fear bad vibes on the day. Thanks for the input though 🙂
Post # 8
One of two things:
1. Your email went to her spam folder and she deleted it without knowing (or it’s still sitting there).
2. She’s a bitch and she is ignoring you on purpose.
It’s nice that you’re trying to get to know them and all, but some people are just assholes and nothing you do will ever make it better. I would probably send her a follow up email as suggested above and see if she replies. If she doesn’t, tell your FI to tell his brother to check his girl because she has a major attitude problem that needs to be resolved.
Post # 9
It sounds like she might be busy, so I’d give her more time.
You could also bring it up to the FBIL by asking is she has mentioned the offer to him. It could be that she’s just trying to figure out if she can commit to being a bridesmaid (especially if she’s currently out of the country, and I asume in school). I would not mention to him that she has not responded, just casually ask if she’s said anything about it.
Post # 10
@Flanders: Oh, if she’s out of the country, she may not check her email a lot. I will say that if someone I really hated asked me to be in their bridal party, I’d probably say no (or in her case, tell my FI to tell you no).
Post # 11
Are you sure she saw the email? It might have gone to spam.
Post # 12
@Flanders: I’d give it 2 weeks and then try calling her. If she ignores your phone call and doesn’t call back, then I’d figure she wants to say “no” but isn’t mature enough to do so. If after 2 weeks and phone call you STILL haven’t heard from here, I’d still try to communicate with her via the FBIL, I guess. It’s just such a big thing to have dangling out there, unresponded to… I think you’ll want to get a response, at least to clear any awkwardness.
Post # 13
I know you are trying to be nice, but perhaps she doesn’t want to get to know you. And you are creating more headache for yourself if she accepts. There are a lot of brides on here who pick unfit bridesmaids (ie people they aren’t close to) and they end up with the bm not ordering her dress, shoes, causing drama, etc. Do you really want that?
At this point I would take her ignorence as a no and ask people you are close to and love 🙂
Post # 14
I specifically have her personal mail address that I know she checks, it’s gmail to gmail and it was given to me by FBIL as he knows she checks it too. I didn’t include any attachments or anythimg like that.
@vorpalette: That’s exactly it – like she could say no, I even said to her look there is no pressure at all and I’d completely understand if she’d rather not due to being busy. I am the sort of person who’d just say ‘no thanks, but i wish you every luck in your event see you then!’
@FionnaCake: Yeah shame I won’t tell him because I don’t want him to feel low about the whole thing. I think I’ll see what happens. And if she doesn’t repson do what a PP said and just let it go.
Post # 15
@megz06: Thanks! I agree totally. I have team awesome as my bridal party, just a bunch of girls I know and love – and the groomsmen are a riot too. I thought of asking her because we are doing loads of things like picnics, sleeping over the night before etc for just the bridal party and I thought it would be a shame for her to not be included, since I am almost sure she’ll be my SIL one day.
@stillme: Absolutely, my biggest issue would be her not saying anything and then just lingering around the wedding being all pouty. She does have a reputation for pouting.
Post # 16
@Flanders: Tell your FI that his brother’s girlfriend has not responded to your e-mail and leave it at that. Either you or your FI can tell his brother the same thing the next time you see him. Resist the temptation to elaborate or draw conclusions – that way you can’t be accused of trying to start anything – you are simply relating the facts – you offered – you never heard back.
If you think there’s a possibility she might deny getting your e-mail, you or your FI could contact the brother and just tell him it was sent but you haven’t heard back so you wanted to make sure she received it. Tell him there’s no pressure – if she’d prefer not to be in the bridal party, that’s fine – you just want to make sure she was aware of the offer.
As for your wedding, be civil. Greet her, make a bit of small talk and then be on your way. You don’t have to go out of your way to make conversation or spend time with her – just be a gracious hostess.