- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
Most days I hold myself up pretty well. Hell, I even convince myself that I’m happy and content. Then there are days and nights like tonight where I start to spiral down again. How can you tell which one is the real you? Am I just fooling myself into thinking I’m happy? Are the bad times just dark doubt creeping and seeping into the cracks of my armor, or is are they the real me?
A year ago I left a marriage that at best could be described as hollow. We had been together 8 years, married for 4. He had stopped sleeping with me both figuratively and literally pretty much the day after the wedding. I was left feeling ugly and useless and not a woman at all. That’s really the best thing that I can say about our married time together. I was devastated. To say that I was left a shell of myself suggests that something aside from a physical body was left at all.
I met Fiance during the months leading up to my departure. I say met, but really we’d known each other for almost 10years at that point. Sometimes the universe just works things out in your favor when you least expect it, and we were both lucky enough to reconnect when we needed each other most. Somehow, he helped me through the darkest days, when ending my life seemed like the only relief I would ever be able to find.
Today, I am mostly happy, but sometimes I just spiral down fast. I haven’t had a job since June 2010, leaving me feeling pathetic and useless. I can’t even keep the house as clean as I’d like even though I’m just freaking home all day. I fear that I’ve spun this cotton candy charade around me and am terrified of the rain that will surely melt it all away. I hate hate hate the person I see in the mirror. Hate her for her disgusting body and ugly face. Hate her for her uselessness. Hate her for her inability to live like a normal person. Hate her for not having any strength left. Some days I just want to obliterate her, wipe her off the face of this world.
Oh and Fiance…beautiful, gentle, loving, supportive, amazing gift of a man…he deserves so much better than this pathetic package that just takes up space in the house.