Post # 1
In regards to our wedding in Canada, sh!t is about to hit the fan! Eeeek.
My FI’s family is huge. We chose to limit his family invites to: Parents, siblings, and first aunts & uncles. We are inviting 2 sets of his second cousins that we’re close to, but all other cousins are cut off. Sorry! Hey, there are over 45 of them & he can’t even name them all.
So I had to take a look at my family: I’m the oldest grandchild with 20 cousins (ages 7-23) younger than me & and to keep it even, I don’t plan on inviting most of them. Only my cousins of legal drinking age are invited… That leaves out 15 young cousins. Oooh are their parents going to be upset.
My aunts won’t say anything to me personally, but they will talk behind my back for months. Even my mom is a little choked & offered to pay for their plates, but that’s NOT the point. I feel like if we invite all my family, we have to invite his & then it will just get out of hand.
If this wedding was held in my FIs hometown, this wouldn’t be an issue because they wouldn’t fly their kids out to our wedding there! I think its unfair that I need to invite the kids just because they’re local. Does that make sense? Believe it or not, I’m all for children at a wedding… I just don’t want his family to feel slighted that all my extended relatives get to come when theirs weren’t even invited.
What do you think I should do? Invite them to avoid upset family members or stick with the original plan? lol or please tell me if I am just being completely unreasonable!
Post # 3
Wait, you’re inviting his first cousins AND some of his second cousins, but not over half of your FIRST cousins? Or you’re excluding his FIRST cousins and only inviting his SECOND cousins?
If you’re inviting all of his first (and some second) cousins, then I think it’s really only polite to reciprocate on your side of the family, unless there is some estrangement. Especially if you’re having other kids under drink age (from his family or elsewhere) at the wedding already, but if you’re cutting out most of the family on one side then it’s probably ok to cut out most on the othe side too – just have CLEAR criteria so you can explain if people ask WHY (or so your mom can pass along why more discretely) – example: “We’re only inviting cousins who we keep in touch with” or “We’re only inviting cousins who are over 21” or “We’re only inviting first cousins”. These (in my mind) are easier to accept and understand than “We picked 5 people from each side who we like the best”, which is how you DON’T want to be percieved by anyone. 🙂
Post # 4
My FI and I have smaller families. But I cannot imagine NOT inviting cousins. That would cause gigantic drama. I would have to cut friends and include all cousins. I think that you could cause lasting famliy drama by inviting only some of your cousins. I think that a few grand is worth keeping the peace.
Post # 5
How will his family even know if your cousins are there – I mean, how will they know they’re your cousins? Do they know all of them?
Post # 6
You’re talking about adding 45+15 people to the guest list? COuld you invite them to a brunch the next day?
I don’t think it’s a big deal and I think your aunt sounds like a big, rude gossip queen unfortunately. Maybe your mom (or dad, whover’s side she’s on) can explian it to her so she doesn’t go around behind your back. You’re talking a handful of CLOSE cousins on your FI’s side (the ones he actually talks to!!!) and the older ones on your side. Perfectly legit in my book
Post # 7
how about a standard across the board – so no second cousins, first cousins only. no kids at all, that kind of thing? that would be easier to explain. you shouldn’t feel obliged to invite everyone.
Post # 8
If you were to invite everyone, what would be your invite:acceptance ratio? If your FI can’t even name all his first cousins, chances are they are not going to be interested in coming to his wedding. We invited all my husband’s extraneous family members he hasn’t seen since childhood (because his dad insisted) and almost none of them showed up.
Can you invite all the kids and cousins and contrive some sort of on-site childcare?
My vote was to avoid family drama if at all possible. Your wedding is just a day but the memory of it will live on…and you don’t want those to be memories of animosity. People don’t give you a free pass on offending them just because you’re getting married. So I would consider just how bad the fallout is going to be if you don’t invite them all. To me it wouldn’t be worth it. Good luck!
Post # 9
@daydreamer: Its kind of confusing, I know… We’re only inviting 2 of his cousins though! None of his first cousins or 2nd cousins are invited except those 2 because we’re extremely, extremely close with them. There won’t be any other children at our wedding besides his niece & nephew.
@chelseamorning: his mom said we could expect every one of their family members to show up because they’ve waited “so long” for him to get married. All his family members got married in their early 20’s and he’s mid-thirties. While he’s not incredibly close to his cousins & their families, they all come together for weddings, funerals, monthly breakfast, etc.
@layla: His family would know because we have a lot of weekend activities planned for all our guests (local & visitors), but thats not really the point. I doubt they would care too much. I just don’t want it to become “Rebekah’s” wedding… you know! I don’t want them to feel like they are under represented!
@ejs: I’m glad someone can see my side of things & yeah, most of my aunts are a bunch of hens.
To clear things up: As it stands, 2 of his cousins are invited (plus their wives) and 5 of my age 19+ cousins are invited.
Post # 10
Welcome to my world. It’s a nightmare, but cutting the list without drama can be done. Fiance and I did it … his mom just stuck to her guns from the very start. She said to his overly extended family: My son wants a smaller wedding, I am giving him whatever he wants … and that’s that.
If you give room to wiggle … there will be wiggle! DONT DO IT! Lol. That’s my advice.
Post # 11
I agree w nybride09: an across the board standard. That way it doesn’t appear that you’re making exceptions for anyone.
Post # 12
I have the same amount of cousins as you roughly (25) and we’re not inviting any of my 2nd cousins. FI has 3 cousins and we arent’ inviting any of his 2nd cousins. Unfortunately for his guest count, his grandparents didn’t have 10 kids like mine! 🙂 I think it’s not about #’s but instead about even standards and you need to set the same standards, ex: “no cousins at all” or “only 1st cousins unless we hang out outside of family functions” etc.
Post # 13
There is enough family drama at weddings…I think that you should do whatever is in your power to do to avoid adding more…
Post # 14
Hey who voted I’m being unreasonable??? lol just kidding!
@msHyman: Thanks for all your advice… that’s a good idea. I just need to get the mom’s on board 🙂
@kjpugs: I think I do need come up with some sort of blanket rule. Regardless someone is going to be unhappy…
Sigh. the things the blushing brides don’t tell you. lol I want to write a book about REAL wedding planning & not the fru-fru Martha Stewart version of rainbows & sunshine.
Post # 15
Wow. Posts like this make me glad that both my parents were only children.
Maybe you could do a “meet the newly weds” party at a more casual venue and invite the extended family then? Yes, someone will be mad, but it’s a way to involve everyone….
Post # 16
Your wedding is about your and your man. PERIOD. Whatever you want doesn’t have to be justified to anybody. PERIOD. If you are close with an extended family member, it’s ok to invite them and not all other memebers in the same ‘rank’.
I hate when weddings turn into family political crap!
I say, do whatever you want– and getting your mothers on board to spread the word in a ‘nice’ way would take the stress off you and your man.
‘Adult reception to follow’ is commonly put on invitaitons now to denote no children allowed. And as long as you identify those peopel invited by name on the invitations, there shouldn’t be any confusion over who is/is not invited.