It's always my fault.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
795 posts
Busy bee

@depressedbee:  Oh wow……your friend list needs a complete overhaul. Including your FI!! Flush these people like the turds they are. It sounds to me like you need to work on yourself. Don’t date or worry about new friends yet, what is it about YOU that is making you unhappy?? Fix those issues, then get out there and find some people who are worth your time. 3 years ago, I dumped my 2 “best friends” of TEN years. It hurt, but they were toxic and I had to let them go. I got involved in new social circles, and now my friends are amazing. As far as dating, once you’re ready, get on match.com, type in what kind of guy you want, and go get him. Sorry you’re having a hard time, if you lived in my city, I would come pick you up and take you out!!! 

Post # 4
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with 2 such nasty bullies. As soon as you said he slapped you, the alarms went off, and the rest of your story only confirmed it. As hard as it is right now, I think you’re well rid of them, and that even though this is painful, it’s the first step to a better life. It sucks that you’re depressed and they didn’t take you seriously. All I can say is that I’ve been there, and it’s awful but it does get better. 

*hugs*

Post # 5
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@depressedbee:  So sorry this is happening.

But honestly, I think it’s for the best. Both of them seem to be toxic, and with your depression, it’s seriously not good for you.

You deserve someone [both a friend, and a lover!] who don’t talk trash about you. There will always be days where you and your lover won’t see eye to eye… but that doesn’t meant he world needs to hear about your every flaw. Those are things couples keep between them, not share with a third party.

Take some time for yourself. What is it you don’t like about yourself? Can you change it? If you can’t, you need to work on accepting it. If it’s something you can change, you need to decide if you really want to change, or work on accepting who you are.

Everything will feel better in time.

Post # 6
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

So they called you delusional about the messages, and then when you said you had screenshots, the story changed to them not being “serious”? How would either of them feel if you had similar “not serious” conversations about them?

Look up the term “gaslighting”; kind of seems like what they’re doing to you. Trying to make you feel crazy and then saying you’re always in the wrong.

You are right to ditch both of these people. Nobody, nobody NOBODY deserves to be treated like you. There are two people who should always be fighting for you – your sweetheart and your best friend. Even if you ARE in the wrong, these are the people who should be able to talk you down, gently let you know where you’re being unreasonable, and still try to be supportive of you. And for both of these people to not be supporting you, and to be ganging up on you together? Why are either of these people involved with you if that’s how they both feel about you?

Anyway, you certainly don’t deserve their treatment. Stay strong, find new people to surround yourself with. Focus on yourself – that’s the best way to meet the people you SHOULD be dating and the people you SHOULD be friends with. Do the things you want to do, and spend time being the person you want to be, and the right people will fall into place.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, it sounds like these people were seriously toxic and you’re right to be ridding yourself of them. If I found out my FI was saying stuff like that about me behind my back, wow, would I be pissed. Even if I am unreasonable from time to time, and FI would be right to call me out on it, he does it gently. Tries to help me see the other side of an argument, gently, without insulting me. (As I do for the people I care about!) And whether or not you were being unreasonable, a good friend should be able to say “I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated, I would be mad too… but maybe he didn’t mean XYZ, or maybe here’s a side of the story you hadn’t considered.”

These people are ridiculous.

Post # 7
Member
4215 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow.

Seriously. You are better off without these people in your life. Never, ever speak to either of them. Delete them from facebook. I don’t have many friends either. I understand it’s hard and isolating. But you must get toxic people out of your life. 

I think you should see a counselor. They can help with the depression and also help with the social anxiety. When you feel ready, you can get into some hobbies and activities that allow you to meet people.

 

Post # 8
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

@depressedbee:  I am so sorry you’re going through this, what an awful betrayal from both of them. You don’t need either of them. Only a complete asshole would tell a depressed person they are overreacting. Would they tell a person having a heart attack that they were overreacting and just to get over it? I don’t think so! You are strong because you told them you don’t deserve treatment like that and cut them off, and I know that you can get through this. It’s time to be you, not a modified and ‘acceptable’ (to them) version of you. Get some help for your depression and this awful event. It will help loads to have someone to talk to that can help you cope with everything. I understand that you’re feeling really lonely right now, but try and put yourself out there – you could have a look around your community and see if there’s some classes that you might enjoy taking – cooking, a book group, quilting, knitting, Zumba, yoga…whatever you want, go for it. It will give you something to look forward to, and expose you to new people that may feel lonely like you do. You could even get a pet (if allowed where you live). Take up a hobby – for me, it’s building miniature houses for model railways. It’s challenging and all-absorbing. Hours go by and you can think of nothing else but building a tiny little house.

I just want to say, don’t feel alone. You’ve made a huge decision (and the right one), and that takes balls to say ‘enough!’. We here at the bee are here for you, and although we’re mainly nameless/faceless people, we care. That’s what I love about this site, a place where we can all come together and support each other when we feel there’s nowhere else we can turn.

Stay strong, and most importantly, look after number 1 – You.

Post # 9
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@depressedbee:  I’m so sorry it has happened to you. Obviously, you were not in the wrong. I believe like the PPs said that you should walk away and never look back. But please, do not do this alone. You’re depressed, and from what I’ve read you’ve had suicidal thoughts. I’ve been there myself a few times in my life and seeking professionnal help has changed everything. I was offered neutral support (and medication for my anxiety) and it has made my life so much better. I strongly encourage you to see a therapist so you can get your emotions back on track. Hang in there. Life has so much beautiful things to offer, and you’ve made the first step toward happiness, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Wishing you the best. *hugs*

 

Post # 11
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@depressedbee: The problem is, they’ve made me think I’m such a horrible person that I’m literally petrified to go talk to anyone so I sit in my basement, cry, and drink. I feel like a counselor would sit tehre and pretend to agree, then laugh at me when I leave. 

The stuff they say about me, then I try to defend myself, and they call me crazy or the latest, “You think you’re perfect and think you never do anything wrong.”  Funny thing is, I feel like I’m *always* wrong, even when HE hit ME, I felt I DESERVED abuse.

I can assure you no therapist will ever judge you and laugh at you. It is a serious issue, and if you’re starting to believe you deserved to be abused, you’re only confirming that you need someone to help you right now. It’s a learning process to come to the point you feel you’re useless and deserve to be abused. It does not happen overnight, it takes time, and once it’s there, you start to believe it and the feeling grows stronger. In order to get rid of it, you need to do the reverse thing and go through a new learning process to feel it’s not okay and that you don’t deserve anything that happened to you, and that it was NOT your fault. A therapist will guide you through this learning process, making you rant about it, cry about it, question yourself about it, and give you perspective about what has happened, and tools to learning to love yourself again. You might have a few books to read as well, and it can only be helpful. But to get there is a long process, because you basically need to ”train” your brain to see things differently, and that’s why you need someone you can rely on, and who will be neutral, to guide you throughout the whole process. 

 

Post # 12
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

No one who claims to love you should make you feel like that. Congratulations for being strong enough to break free. If you could do that then you have the strength to do anything you Set your mind to. What you’ve gone through sounds like emotional abuse. There are many bees here who have survived abuse, and they’ll all tell you how hard it was to break free and how worthwhile it was in the end. 

And a good counsellor wouldn’t laugh at you. Look at all of the replies on this thread – you told us your story and none of us made fun. Instead we’re all behind you. 

Post # 13
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@depressedbee:  Do you have any family? Would you be able to stay with them or visit with them soon?

 

Don’t give up on the idea of therapy. There are bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones as well. A good therapist will be able to help you sort through the problems you’re having and help you find healthy coping mechanisms.

 

Do you have any hobbies you love? Is there anything that you’ve been wanting to accomplish in terms of education or career or personal growth? Focusing on those things for a while could help start to pull you out of your dark place.

 

Always remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. People who constantly belittle you, ignore you, refuse to help you, and abuse you have no place in your life. DO NOT believe them when they say you don’t deserve the best life has to offer. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and to have relationships that are positive influences on you. You are so much stronger than you realize.

 

Please, please, if you’re in America, consider speaking with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. They have trained professionals who can help you work through those dark moments when you need support the most. It’s free and they have resources on their website that can help you.

 

And always remember that we, the Hive, are always here for you.

 

Post # 14
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@depressedbee:  Aww sweet heart, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this! Good for you for giving back the ring, stay strong!

Do you have any family you could talk to? Any old friends who you haven’t talked to in a while but who could help you get back on your feet?

It makes me really sad that you feel like a counselor would laugh at you. I promise you that they would not, so PLEASE, please seek therapy. Consider going to a psychiatrist for some anti-depressants. And if you’re feeling suicidal, there are always hotlines you can call, with someonecto talk to. Personally, I find human voices more soothing than anything written down. 

And when you’re ready, reconnect with your ex-boyfriend, I bet he’ll at least be a good person to talk to. And if it turns out you’re better off as friends, I recommend okcupid, which is a free online dating site, and how I met my fiancé. 

Post # 15
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yes, yes, I agree! Please try to see a therapist to help you get past this. I understand your fear of being laughed at, but these people would not be in their line of work if they were all judgmental pricks. They’re used to talking to people with terrible problems, and with flaws much bigger than the ones you perceive in yourself.

I can’t speak to why your friend, who is a counselor, would treat you the way she has. I mean, there are doctors out there who smoke 2 packs a day – you’d think they would know better, given their line of work, but they still can’t stop themselves. Maybe your ‘friend’ is having a hard time behaving the way she should in her personal life? I can’t speak towards why she’s treating you like she is, but I can say that that’s not the experience you will have with a good, professional therapist who is there to help you with your problems.

I understand your anxiety, I really, really do. I get it. It’s scary to go bare your soul to a stranger. But I urge you to go try it out. And if you’re feeling anxious, or have worries about how they perceive you, tell that to them at your first appointment! They should be able to help you out and set your mind at ease. Give it a trial run, and if one therapist makes you feel anxious, try another. You’re allowed to do a trial-run.

I was going through a rough time in my own life a few years ago, and saw a therapist just a few times to help myself sort through some things. A lot of therapists have profiles you can find online, that tell you something about their specialties, and their approaches, and their beliefs. Searching around a little bit should help you find one who really resonates you, who you’ll trust. 

<3 <3 <3

Post # 16
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

OP I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree with many of the PP’s–time to drop these friends like a bad habit and MOVE ON.  There’s one sad part of life that it’s time to accept:  Most people talk about other people.  It’s sh!tty, but it’s true.  You need to NOT be afraid to live your life because ‘people might talk’ or ‘make fun of you’ behind your back.

You need to be open to experiences, start saying ‘yes’ to everything–AND if you are really wanting to make friends, I would try to start off your friendship as a ‘giver’ by ‘listening’ in the beginning.  This means that instead of you sharing everything about yourself that could lead you open to judgement (if you are worried about it), you just get to know people by asking about them and getting to know more about this.  This will help you to establish trust, and then you should *hopefully* feel a level of comfort with them after a while that you can open up yourself more and have real friends.

Hang in there and stay strong!

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