- 8 years ago
My boyfriend and I have dated for 4 1/2 years now and we are still just that–dating. We are both 24, close to 25 (perfectly ideal for getting engaged, IMO) and have college degrees and well-paying jobs. We did our first 2 years long distance, visiting often and calling every single day (plus video-chatting occasionally). Now I am home again and we see each other at least 5 or 6 days per week, if not every day. We have had “the talk” several times. While I always do my best not to sound desperate or like I am pressuring him, I also want to be honest with him and let him know how I feel. We thrive on the fact that we have always had great, open conversation and I don’t want to lie about any of this.
Basically, all of our conversations have boiled down to this: He wants to buy a house first, and that is not going to happen until he finishes paying off school (which should be done in the next couple of months). Then he will start saving for a ring/wedding. He wants to buy the house all on his own, without my input, which is fine as I have a large college debt, but I will be contributing to other bills, which he appreciates and will probably rely on. I also have a good chunk of money in the bank which I have saved specifically for my future, such as my wedding. He knows that I have money saved for this and would not be paying for it alone.
One problem that I have is that I feel he is doing everything so linearly. I mean, I totally understand setting goals and reaching them one at a time, but I feel like something such as your future needs to be handled differently. What, does he think he is going to pay off the whole house before we have a wedding? He graduated college, bought his nice phone, bought his new car, and now wants his house. I know you are young once and should enjoy the being “young and unmarried” while you can, but I feel like he should have his priorities re-aligned. I wish he would save for the ring/wedding at the same time as he is saving for the house down payment (and yes, I have offered to help with the down payment but he insists on doing it himself. This mostly has to do with my college debt–he wants to get the loan in his name alone to get a better rate, even though my credit is spotless).
In one of our recent conversations I guess I made it more apparent that I want to be engaged sooner rather than later. He asked why all of the sudden I want to be engaged so bad and I said that I had wanted it for the past 2 years or more but was hoping he knew we were on the same page and he would surprise me, but since he hasn’t yet I now need to bring it up to him. I also sort of accidentally blurted out that if he waited too long I would be more relieved than surprised and excited, which is very true, but I definitely pissed him off as he sort of just got up and went upstairs without saying a word. I think it was not so much that he was mad at what i said but more of a reality check to him. I know it bothered him but I feel like nothing else is getting through to him, and although I regret saying it to him, a little part of me doesn’t regret it.
I will definitely say that is is getting harder and harder each time someone else gets engaged/married. Most of them are now lapping us, i.e. have been dating less than he and i have been, and it is hard to deal with, especially when I see elements in other people’s weddings that I had always envisioned for my own. My older sister has been dating her bf for a year longer than us and still has no ring and my younger sister is with her bf for 2 yrs now. I am starting to feel like our family is getting a reputation for not being marriage material…
His sister-in-law recently told me that all of the boys in that family like to drag their feet, which is so true, but I just can’t help but wonder if I am doing something wrong. He always tells me that I am the one for him and he wants us to be married so bad but financial garbage is what is holding us back. He is proud of me for paying off my college loans on my own (and paying as much per month as I can, above what they ask for). But I still feel like if he wanted to marry me that bad he would have asked by now. His brother and sister-in-law got married after 5 years and I feel like he is trying to be just like them, but if he was then he is overdue for an engagement. I am fine with a long engagement and I have told him that, I just wish he would freaking do it!!
He is an amazing guy, i really couldn’t ask for a guy who loves me more and only wants to make me happy. He is smart and has goals and will make a great father someday, but I still feel so confused. Any suggestions??