Post # 1
I guess you could say that I’ve pretty much given up on my hope of being a January 2011 bride!
I’m not really sure where to start but my bf and I have been “shopping for rings for over a year now!” He keeps giving me deadlines first it was by June of last year, then by end of last summer, then by Christmas and the last one that has come and gone is March. Yes, It’s been 7 whole days and I’m somewhat a mess.
To top it all of in November, my future sister in law got a call from the Rachael Ray show offering to allow him to purpose on national tv, but he didn’t have the ring yet. I’m a huge Rachael Ray fan. I’ve seen so much disappointment regarding this that I have officialy lost all hope. (I even heard the message that she saved so I could hear it!)
We had discussed a ring and then he went out during December and bought a motorcycle(our deal was ring then motorcycle)! Let’s just say I wasn’t impressed!
This fall I joined up for RCIA so I could convert to Catholicism so that we could have the Catholic wedding like he wanted. I’ve now been a Catholic for 4 days now.
Then last night as we were getting ready for bed, he mentioned how he’d like us to start to try to have kids in the fall. First, he was the one dead serious about waiting until after we were married. So now I sit here wondering what the hell is going on?
I just needed to vent and am interested in hearing what the hive has to say!
Post # 3
I don’t really know if what I’m going to say will be helpful, but it’s my honest opinion.
I think when a guy says he wants to get married, or he’s going to propose, especially if he states a deadline and it continuously doesn’t happen, he’s just buying more time for himself for some reason. I think by giving a deadline he thinks he can please you long enough to stick around, and then again, and again. If it were me, I would not put up with it longer than a few months before I would really start questioning what was going on. I hate to hear the stories on the waiting boards of guys who keep telling their gf’s they are going to propose and give them actual time frames and then blowing them off. It really bugs me and makes me feel bad for the girls!
As far as him mentioning having kids right now, little red flags going off over here. A child IMO is a bigger commitment than a marriage because together you are creating ANOTHER LIFE that will depend on both of you to love & sustain it. I’m wondering why he thinks he is ready for that kind of commitment and not a marriage.
If I were you I would have a serious talk with him. You have converted to his religion to “give him the wedding that he wanted” but what is he giving you in return except extended proposal dates?
I hope you can find out from him exactly what is going on, and I’d definately put off having kids with him right now.
Post # 4
Wow how incredibly frustrating! That SUCKS about the Racheal Ray show, that would have been crazy awesome! Do you live with your BF? Sounds to me like you are making sacrifices for this guy and not getting any promise of a commitment in return. Id be heartbroken after the motorcycle incident..did you talk to him about that? I would defintely NOT have kids with this guy til there is a wedding thats for SURE!!
Check out Mr. Bees Plan too http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged
Post # 5
I would have a serious talk with him about marriage and see what his plans are. That is a lot of different timelines that he has blown off. You can’t exactly tell him how to spend his own money, but I know I’d be upset about the motorcycle…especially since you’d agreed with him on ring before motorcycle.
Post # 6
I think a serious talk is in order. Unfortunately, it may not end the way you want. It seems that he tells you what he thinks you want to hear but isn’t acting on what he says. Does he do this with other aspects of your relationship? If so, I don’t know how strong of a commitment he has in this relationship.
I am curious to know. How did he explain the buying the motorcycle before the ring?
Post # 7
A Catholic wanting kids before marriage? You need to give some details on what this guy is thinking!
Post # 9
He wants you to be a member of his religion yet wants kids before marriage? ?
I say it’s time for a serious talk. Do read Mr. Bee’s post.
Fwiw, if it were me, we would have had the talk the day the bike moved into his garage. Wishing you the best, but as Ricky Ricardo would say…”Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!”
Post # 10
I agree that you two need to have a serious talk. A child is a bigger committment than marriage but he can’t seem to make a committment to marry you? That seems very off to me.
Post # 11
LOL @ bellenga!
I agree with all previous posters. Forgive me in advance for being so blunt, but I have come to the conclusion based on previous members’ threads with similar stories, that sugarcoating has not helped matters. So I’ll just say it: This whole situation is unacceptable and there need to be some actual, tangible changes made and things to be done about it.
What is the point of a deadline if absolutely nothing happens when it is not met? Is that the way things work in the real world? If you failed to meet deadlines for your job for an entire year, would your employer keep you around? If he wants to give you another proposal promise, then he deserves to have one given back — “If you break this promise to me, I’m out the door. This is your last chance.”
No respectable woman’s purpose is to serve as a doormat — or a baby factory, for that matter. That is utterly absurd for him to suggest starting a family now. Stop making comittments for him and for your relationship when he is not meeting his obligations toward you, before you get any deeper into something you could very seriously regret.
Post # 12
Wow what a sad situation 🙁 I can’t imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Unfortunately, I agree with the other bees who think that this is unacceptable behavior.
One big red flag is that he seems to have purchased the motorcycle without talking to you about it first. That is a big financial decision and if the two of you are living together and (possibly?) considering marriage, it is completely unacceptable for him to make such a large purchase behind your back. Judging from what you have told me alone, it seems that he does not see you as a partner in life, but rather as someone who is there when he needs you. He sees that as long as he can tell you what you want to hear, you will stick around. Of course I do not know the whole story so I could be way off, but again I am going strictly off of what you’ve said here. Generally, people who are considering marriage see their partner as an equal, and in the motorcycle situation this does not appear to be the case. I don’t want to be alarmist, but if it were me, I would definitely be wondering what is up.
Others have said you should have a talk with him, and that is true. However it sounds like you have had this same talk numerous times, with the same empty promises that do not materialize. I really think you need to see some action and effort on his part, not just another deadline.
Realize now that the outcome may not be what you are hoping for, but it is better to find out what is really going on NOW so you don’t keep repeating this cycle with the same sad outcome.
I hope it works out for the best for you, whatever that may be.
Post # 13
And @ littlemissmango: very well stated
Post # 14
Why don’t you take advantage of the fact that he’s bringing up the kids topic and tell him that you don’t understand how he could make a commitment like that to you (since you will share a baby forever) and at the same time drag his feet in what concerns to proposing? Tell him you just don’t understand him and would like to know exactly how he thinks and views the future. If you don’t get a response that satisfies you, then absolutely change your attitude towards him (like eveyone has been sayiing: try to be more focused in yourself and you own life). Last chance to see if he reacts!