It's certainly more than just a phase…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Things will only change if he actually wants help. If he does, AA and a therapist. Don’t try to handle it alone.

If he doesn’t TRULY commit to change, meaning NEVER DRINKING AGAIN if he’s an alcoholic (yes, it’s that serious), no “one drink” or anything… 

Do not marry him. Better to cancel and lose money or postpone and lose money than to marry an addict who isn’t committed to recovery. (I’m not saying you have to dump him right away, but I wouldn’t marry him until he was actively working on recovery.)

Post # 4
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

@mrscross1020:  This is so hard. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I do probably need a little more background to determine if he just loves the party life and would rather binge drink all the time, or if this is more of a serious issue and it is interfering with every day life and is a full blown alcoholic. Do not be confused – a party boy can easily become one or even be a functioning alcoholic (most people see if the have a job and seem to drink and still manager their life that they arent necesarily an alcoholic which is totally untrue).

I agree that you should not make any sort of major commitment until you figure out if he truly has a problem and what he is willing to do. There is no quick fix, even with rehab and AA it is a life long struggle.

My DBF is an alcoholic (almost 4 years sober:)!!!!) and he really has his stuff sorted,  but even when he has not attended a meeting in a while I can sense his stress. All you can do there is offer support, I met DBF when he was already sober so I have never dealt with what you are going through. If you believe he needs an intervention talk to friends and family and let them know that it is having a negative affect on him. He will not see he needs to change unless everyone around him does and stops suporting his life style.

Post # 5
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@Bebealways:  +1

@mrscross1020:  Wow, I just went through this too.  First, decide what you’re willing to live with.  I knew I wasn’t willing to be married to an active alcoholic.  I am willing to be married to a recovering alcoholic.  So that’s what I told my DH (FI at the time).  I told him he needed to go into an out-patient program and complete it and stay sober, or I wouldn’t marry him.  Lucky for me, he did the program and has been sober over 4.5 months.  We got married and everything has been great ever since!  But it could have EASILY gone the other way.

Educate yourself about this disease.  That’s what it is.  He didn’t choose this lifestyle.  But he is stuck with this disease for life.  Are you willing to be committed to someone like that for life?  You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.  I suggest going to some Al Anon meetings.  They’re free, and they’re held everywhere at all different times.  Good luck, and I’m here for you if you have any more questions.  But don’t just think you’ll get married and this will go away.  Deal with this before marriage.

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